Re-introduction - POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

Re-introduction - POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
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AndyR

Registrant
My first time on here back in January was brief and I don’t believe I was ready then so I’m going to give it another shot. I’m a 36 year old man married to a lovely supporting wife and two children that truly give me reason to live. The secret only my wife and counselor as of recent know is that I was sexually abused by my brother numerous times around the age of 11. My brother is 6 years my older and was sexually active with girls at this time. I was convinced giving him blowjobs and letting him do it to me was a game and harmless. Perhaps one of my biggest shames is I didn’t stop it and 11 year old me enjoyed it, typing that makes me sick and the level of deception this took on his part makes me sad. Little did he or I knew these multiple occurrences would result in early sexual realization, acting out, deep depression, self loathing, anger and thoughts of suicide as I grew older and into my adult life. All this while growing up with a physically and emotionally abusive father, who called me fat and worthless on a regular basis and had no problem punching me in the mouth if I dare say something to his disapproval. Everyday I struggle with my self worth, the real me versus the facade I put on and whether how I feel is justified. I luckily have a great wife and counselor who give me strength and acceptance. Thank you for letting me share.
 
Welcome Andy!
It truly is incredible, not in a good way, the shame that revolves around these actions. It gets weaves into every little nook and cranny of our lives. It’s sad, it’s painful. Especially since nooks and crannies should be left for English muffins and butter!

So many people diminish the events. Among other things, it’s chalked up to “part of growing up.” But it’s not. It’s not at all.

Giving voice to your pain, to your trauma.... it’s how we gain power over it instead of it being the other way around. Giving voice to it, sharing it, it removes the silence and breaks you out of the prison of isolation.

I’m sorry that you need to be here, but glad that you found us. Welcome!
 
Welcome back Andy. The doors of MS are always open to men who've encountered sexual trauma along the way. I appreciate you weren't ready the first visit and want to give it another shot. This is a wonderful place to be doing this work. It is great you have a supportive wife and counselor. Unpacking all the feelings you're carrying, both about what happened with your brother and how your father treated you as a boy will take some time and dedication on your part. But trust me, healing is possible. First we tell the truth about what happened, then we come to realize nothing before, during or after the experiences was our fault, then we begin treating ourselves with a bit more kindness as we learn we are worthy of love and care. Yes we carry some powerful, negative beliefs and emotions... but those really belong to the trauma and not to you.

I look forward to seeing you on the board Andy. You can tell the truth here and it will be received without judgment. You're not alone with any of this. All the best on your healing journey.
 
Hi Andy

Welcome to MS sorry for what has brought you here, glad that you had the courage to reach out. This is a good place to come and share with other that have been where you have. good luck on you healing journey.
 
Hi, AndyR.
Thank you for trusting us and sharing your life experience here.
By sharing you not only help yourself but help other guys here too. Welcome to MS!
 
AndyR said:
My brother is 6 years my older and was sexually active with girls at this time. I was convinced giving him blowjobs and letting him do it to me was a game and harmless. Perhaps one of my biggest shames is I didn’t stop it and 11 year old me enjoyed it, typing that makes me sick
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@AndyR your body and mind enjoying sexual pleasure and stimulation is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that it takes a lot more than hearing “you’re normal” to undo the deep roots of shame, but the repetition of this fact helps in the unmaking process. The dirtiness and shame you feel for engaging and desiring to be sexual with your brother now only traps you further in the downward spiral of shame. That 11-year-old kid didn’t know any better, he was introduced to sex before his mind and soul could handle it and he was desperate for the love attention and affirmation that giving a blow job would bring him. There is no shame in that kid, or in the man he became, wanting that. There is no shame on that kid for seeking it out. He was just trying to play the game according to the rules he was given.
 
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