Hi I'm 19, and i'm kindve a sporatic poster, so it may tak me a while to get around to you.
I'm not exactely sure i know what you mean, but i'll answer as best i can.
The three things that helped me most to get over my abuse and get on with life were
1 telling people about my abuse and talking about it.
2 letting go of the shame and trying to understand on a subconscious level that it wasn't my fault.
3 being proud that i survived with my faith and dreams intact.
The things that make me feel good in life are:
1 creating and dreaming
2 belief in the all the cycles and balances of nature, and belief in my place within it.
3 cherishing all the things in life i love, good and bad, and experiancing as much life and knowledge as i am able.
I have a dysfunctional family. My grandmother and step grandfather both have some sort of anxiety disorder. My dad is a herione addict who is currently in jail and will most likely spend the rest of his life there. My mom is co-dependant and can't see what a great person she is, and lets herself be used and mistreated by men. My mothers first three boyfriends were all alcholics, and they all put me down and verbaly abused me. Her current boyfriend is the same. My two half brothers were both in a lot of trouble when they were young, and now one, (the one who abused me) is still doing meanial jobs, is divorced, and has 3 kids. My moms side of the family is distant and i no longer know them very well, but one of my uncles on her side took care of me when i was very little while my mom went to jail for accepting stolen property. (she stopped using heroine while in jail, and went on to become a land survayer fo CalTRANS. I'm very proud of her.) I have 2 uncles on my grandmothers side, one is dead, murdered by a man who chanced upon seeing him in a female customers home and thought he was cheating on him with her. The other is a workaholic, who has struggled on and off with a cocaine addiction and possibly a gambling addiction. Both my grandmother and my grandfather on my mothers side died, my grandmother while i was very young,(though i remember caring for her deeply) and my grandfather (who i barely knew) when i was in my pre-teens. Kids made fun of me in school until high school. I had a few close friends, 1 of which i have maintaned a relationship with, but is no longer very close. He used me at times, and has had a very troubled time, and has yet to hold down a job. He keeps running away from home then coming back. I had consuelers since i was like 8, the first was incometant and thought i was a schizo, and put me on medication that knocked me out all day. The second was really cool, but since i didn't have any friends and he was one of the few people i could relate to, i never told him anything. I also had school therapists, one was ok, the rest were dicks. In high school I was tottaly alone. In my first year i was put in a special program, but it was designed for people with severe social problems an mental ddisorders, and the classes were remidial, so i was way too ahead of everybody and had to suffer the shame of riding the little yellow bus. Fater that i tried a semester at a normal high school program with a few remedial courses, then went to independant shcool, then finnaly took the california high school equivilancy exam, which is th equivilent of a GED for california only. I tried colledge, but it was exactely the same as high school, so i flunked out every time, not because i couldn't understand the work, but because i could find any real reason i was there. I dirfted a while, got into mild drugs like alchohol lsd shrooms weed, and even did extasy once (MDMA, or a crappy substitute) (mostly weed and alchohol)
I eventually got tired of being really depressed and escaping from reality all the time, so i started to exercise, and rebelling against my self image and popular opinion. I met another friend, and he and i are best friends to this day. we have a lot of the same problems, and i think we have helped each other a lot. Eventually, after alot of depression and reminicing, i confessed to myself that i was abused when i was around 5 or 6, and told my mom. I went into therapy again, and eventually also told my best friend. I Have been doing steadely better every since. it's rough, but i feel very close to living a life free of pain. I hope you find this story somewhat inspiring at least, because if i can manage to rise from where i was to where i am, i think that gotta be worth something. Well thanks for readin and good luck
