Re: Confused 18 yr old survivor

Re: Confused 18 yr old survivor
C

confused18

New Registrant
i have been a victim of sexual abuse by another man at an early age. Its hard fo rme beacsue all of my childhood i have been asking myself if im gay or not i like girls but latley i have been so messed up i guess these haunting memories dont go away sometimes i have nightmares about what happened to me and i just feel like crap if anyone is going through what im going through pm me or e-mail me please
 
Confused18. I am sorry for what has brought you here but am glad that you have found us.

You are not alone in how you feel. Almost everyone of us has felt that way. When you add the guilt and shame (which was never and never will be yours) we wind up feeling like shit.

All I can say is join us, post, listen and take part. You will never find a greater bunch of guys anywhere. No judgement or condemnation. Just concern, support and brotherly love in the truest form.

Once again welcome
 
C18

Welcome. I am new here, too, as of a few days ago.

I'm sorry that you have had a rough time of it, and I can relate. That is the beauty of this place, that people from similar survival circumstances can interact and offer support.

As far as the sexuality thing, I don't think that you have to decide anything like that (either way) in the heat of the moment when you are feeling crappy. Try to do the basic things that will make you feel better, with good friends and healthy relationships with others, and you can go from there.

Good luck, and Happy New Year. I mean that. It can be a good one!

Later,

Kurt
 
Hello Confused18.

It is amazing to me, as I am currently coaching an 18-year old who is feeling such similar things as you. He, like me, was abused for some time by our old sport coach, and he is starting to deal with things right now. He also is wondering of his sexual orientation, as he engages in some negative behaviors that would on the surface appear like he is gay. But honestly, I think he does not know at all. And to have been abused, even by a man, does not "make" us gay.

He is not a member here, as we have somehow not managed to get him registered for some reason, but he does read here some, as he knows I come here. If you would like, I can talk to him, and perhaps pass his email on to you, so that you two could talk some.

I wish you welcome here, although I still wish greatly that you did not have need for such a place as this. Good luck, I wish you well.

Leosha
 
welcome..

when someone molests you, it forever affects who and what you are. take some time and be compassionate to yourself. you dont have to label yourself anything until it is clear to you. take time to learn about the abuse and how it has affected you, and in time things will become clearer.

hang in there. i'm pulling for you...phos
 
Hey there... I hope that you find some comfort knowing that everyone here will be able to relate on some level to one, many, or all of your experiences with SA and the after-effects.

One of the best pieces of encouragement I've received here was: "Share the shit out." I encourage you to do the same. When I first came here, I was confused not so much about my sexuality, but about the images I seem to need in order to have sex. The aftermath of SA is the worst part of this, I think. As if the abuse wasn't enough, now we all have to deal with how our brains processed it and what switches have been triggered. It can be a tough journey, but this place is definately a refuge.

Glad you are here... wish you didn't need to be.

-Sean
 
Confused18,

I wish you didn't have to look for us. I know I would have preferred not needing the help that I need. I'm glad I found this place, and these people. A year ago I would not have believed I could have such friends, or could begin to like myself. I want more of that, and I hope you get it, too.

All your feelings are normal reactions to someone else's abnormal treatment of you. You were a boy, not an object. You are a man and a brave one to face such horrible memories.

Come around here and see how much caring there is. It's terrible that we went through the things we did, things like what you survived. But it's great that we can help one another conquer the effects and go on to good lives.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Confused,

Being sexually abused has no effect on our sexual orientation. If a gay youth were assaulted by a straight person it wouold not make him straight and vice versa.

Most of us who were molested as boys will have memories that cause us a whole bunch of things. We get sick to our stomach, can't sleep, feel terrific fear, don't know if we can trust anyone etc. I will give you a link to some lists of effects of sa.

Also, I will place a link here to a great paper addressed to adolescent survivors here. It is at the drop dfown menu for Survivors and click on adolescents.

You have received good advice. I hope you are feeling welcome, respected and safe here.

Bob
 
Link to paper for Adolescent Survivors:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adolescent%20Survivors/index.htm

Bob
 
Just a few of the effects onj us of having been molested as kids.

The feeling of violation is a suffering that only another survivor, or therapists who work with survivors, can understand. A loving partner of a survivor can also become aware of the depth of suffering. But even then, that can be at the end of a long and difficult effort. The following is a list of very common results in the lives of adults who were betrayed and violated as children or teens:

We wonder and worry about our sexual orientation
We fear we have been turned into a homosexual
We feel that we have been ruined at the core of our being
We confuse sex and love
We fear that we somehow caused it and are responsible for it
We doubt that we are real men.
We suffer from anxiety and depression
We often have addictions to food, drink or drugs
We feel dirty and ashamed
We are unable to feel that we are not guilty
We feel worthless
We often do not function well as responsible adults
We have sexual dysfunction in our marriages
We may act out sexually in an obsessive compulsive way
We have life long problems in relationships and intimacy
We have sleep disturbances and nightmares
We are filled with self hatred
We worry that we will never be well
We see sex as dirty
We may have a sexual addiction
We may be addicted to pornography
We may use pornography to masturbate
We cant trust
We cant connect our unacceptable behavior to our having been betrayed and violated
We find it difficult to admit to the betrayal/violation
We find it difficult to seek help or to find competent therapists if and when we do reach out.
We feel helpless
We feel hopeless
We feel profoundly lonely
We feel that we must not tell or it will ruin the family
We doubt that we would be believed if we do tell
We feel we will be shunned if we tell
We fear being rejected by family and loved ones
We fear being called a liar
We fear being sued for having broken the silence.
We fear that we might become one of them, an abuser
Bob
 
Hello Confused18,

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. Hang in there, it does get better, although those words might seem empty to you right now. The bad times seem to come in waves, so if you can ride this out, it will get better. Post here as much as you need. The guys here really care. You must be a strong man to be able to deal with this so young, so I commend your courage.
Be easy on yourself,
Jim
 
Hi!

Welcome. It is hard I know to come here... it takes courrage to ask these questions. You are so brave to have put your feelings and experiences out here.

You are not alone. I know so many man who have known those circumstances you are in. It sounds small right now, but putting it out here is a big step. There are many who have known what it is like to find themselves in that connundrum. But - gradually - it will losen. Things do get better. You have started that by asking the questions out here. Bravo for you.

Have you contacted a local or regional gay and lesbian hotline to seek out a responsible therapist? If you feel anything is too mich at any time - reach out - call any crisis line you can find. (I keep the nimber by my phone). Every person in the world knows the experience of a crisis (or they don't live - or they lie). It is a universal experience. That you have reached out is a brave step. You are not alone.

Kind Regards,

Asher
 
To Confused 18 - please take note of member 816. I have experienced & am experiencing many of the issues that he states in his response. The difference is that my negative experiences took place when I was 12 (don't know what age you were)& it took me until 2 years ago to mention it to other people for the first time (a gap of 34 years). During that time I developed a number of coping strategies that included: ignoring that it ever happened, pretending that everything was OK, thinking that if I mentioned it to other people I would be seen as some kind of freak & so kept it to myself. I didn't realise I was doing this until one night I was out with 3 good friends drinking socially & the story left my mouth. I didn't intend this to happen - they were all shocked, but responded with so much support I couldn't believe it. Since then things got better until recently - I experienced several deaths (relatives / people I had worked with and a couple of old friends that left young children) and had a stressful worklife (many demands with no let up)- this triggered all of the memories again in my head & I knew I had to do something about it(I thought I was going mad, hearing conversations between people at work when all of those people I could hear were not even present). This feeling developed over about 4 weeks where I could feel myself slipping into the mire - one day at work I was sick of people asking me if I was OK (I'm Mr Happy normally) & couldn't take it anymore - I left work & went to the Doctors & forced an appointment. I told about 80% of what had happened to me & was offered support through our health service (Clinical Physchologist - sounds frightening but better than Mortician). I left the surgery & got back into my car - I then made the most horrendous sound I've ever heard (and I've watched most horror films). When I calmed down, I telephoned my Manageress at work & arranged a meeting & again explained the situation. Once again I received nothing but support - the company arranged some immediate counselling (NH is slow)& I told the full story to a professional. The relief I experien :mad: ced was unbelievable. I have a long way to go, my next session is on Monday the 5th, but i realise now that I must stop blaming the 12 year old for what happened & thank him for what I have achieved. You might think I am going on a bit but: I have blamed myself for what happened for far too long - do not go down that route. Adults can and do manipulate children - that has happened to you. If an as adult you realise that you pefer one sex to another, then that is an adult decision you can make. Do not let your abuser make that decision for you. Whatever your preference is I hope you lead a positive and happy life - you are a valuable unique person & never forget that. If you need professional help, seek it now - don't waste all of the years that I have. You are very brave to raise this subject at such a young age and I wish you luck. *Negativity from others can make you strong - they only seek your weakness to make themselves feel better.
 
Confused18 - Welcome to the site and glad you were able to post. While I was reading your post, I noticed many of the symptom's sexual abuse victims generally show. Bob and others have done a good job sharing them with you. Here are a few more - nightmares (even night terrors!) are common making us feel and sometimes relive the abuse. These dreams can reoccur over and over (no! you're not going crazy! they happen to many survivors!). Feeling like crap comes from many symptoms - beating yourself up, feeling there was something I shoulda/coulda/mighta done (they really are lies that trap us into going in circles without any way forward), the shame and guilt many of us carry/carried, etc.. Actually Confused, you probably feel, think and look like a sexual abuse survivor generally looks, thinks and feels like - not very pleasant!

Do you have a therapist or someone to help you process this stuff? We really can't do this on our own - by sheer strength, reading a 'self-help' book, whatever. That's one of the reasons many of us come here, to find support and information daily even though most of us have therapists, meds, etc.There are articles on the site (maybe at home or search:see above under the logo).

By the way (BTW), if you are 18, I find that is one of the prime ages to get the help you need. When we push it down at 18-20, we tend to hold it until we're 35-55 years old and the perp has done his maximum damage! The younger we seek help and address the pain/crap/et al, the better our life tends to become.

Howard
 
Just wanted to add my welcome with all the ones you have gotten from our brother's. Please read/post/reply as much as you feel you need too. You have found the best place for support on the web. ((((hugs))))
James
 
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