Re: Confused 18 yr. guy about myself

Re: Confused 18 yr. guy about myself
C

confused18

New Registrant
I guess this is the only place that i can be discreet with my identity. Out in the real world it is hard for me to talk about what happened to me. I was molested by a man when i was little several times. Until know its bugging me. Over the years i have just put it off

i feel so lost depressed and confused about my sexuality. I mean sometimes i just feel dirty and no one understand me in my family. Nobody really knows so its hard to tell people i ahve no father or brothers.

i guess the only reason i came here was becasue i need someone to talk to about i dont know i guess i just feel so insecure of my body and my self image. I have no self confidence and i ususally just get soooo jealous when i see the perfect guy the guy thta gets all the girls or has the best body or the best looks.

sometimes i look at porn to comapre my body to other guys which makes me feel even more dirty i dont understand why am i having all of these mixed emotions. I dont let anyone know how i feel im the guy thats quiet or happy but no one knows how much i suffer everyday with this secert

if anyone is in my posiston and can offer some advice please thank you
 
i think you'll find virtually everyone here struggles with what you describe. low esteem and poor self image, depression, anger so many things. at least you are taking a couragous first step in coming here. you should be proud of yourself for taking that step now. it took me until i was 38 to do it.

in time, i hope you get to the point where you can face it, and can tell a therapist that can help you. i also know how frightening that seems at the moment. as you get to know the guys here, i hope you find that it isnt nearly as frightening as spending another twenty years not telling anyone.

take your time, and be patient. it doesnt get better in a day, but it does get better.
 
Hey there... sorry you need to come here for support, but very glad you found us and took the first step by posting.

You will really find you are not alone in the things you are feeling. We all have had similar feelings, doubts, and have needed the support of others to get through the rough spots. And it is amazing what lending support to others can do for you too. I think sometimes, when you reply to people here and lend your support, you often find that you tell them exactly what you need to hear and believe for yourself.

I can't imagine not having this place. Take your time, post when you need to, and come to chat if you feel like that would help. You are definately not alone in this.

-Sean
 
I don't relate to everything you say, but some of it I can. I also have very poor image of myself and my body. I used to weigh more then I do now, and my father and coach, always they would call me fat, so now, I always think of myself as fat. I can not look in a mirror, because I know that I am ugly. I do not do the porn thing, because I don't look at that, or do anything in that manner. But I have a hard time to feel good about myself with anything. I was an athlete, and if I would do good, I would feel strange, wondering when they would realize I did not deserve to win. Instead of enjoying victory, I would just be relieved that it was over.

I am not sure what advice I can give you, as I am still struggling with it all myself. I just wanted you to know there is someone who can understand some how you feel. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
Confused,

I see that this bothers you, but like the brothers are saying, you are definitely not alone in this.

The people who abuse, they are very good at picking out what makes you tick and exploiting it, either for gaining access to what they want, or to rationalize their own behavior. Someone who was abused said that their abuser told them, "I wouldn't do this if you weren't so handsome."

Crock of shit, that is. They abuse because they can. They get pleasure out of it. One of their many crimes is that they make us believe all the bulls**t they tell themselves.

Don't believe it, my friend. You are worthy and you are beautiful. You aren't "dirty" any more than the moss that grows on trees. You are a part of this universe and you are just fine.

I hope that, with time, these feelings fade. They do, and you end up liking the person that you are. Me? I was the classic fat kid/brainy nerd. I still am heavy, and for the longest time, thought no one would love me for who I am. You know what, people do love me, and it's hard work, but you will love yourself too.

Peace and love, little brother.

Scot
 
Confused we must be related. For 40 years I was ashamed of myself. Well 47 years actually. I hid that body that got me into the shit. I hated it and myself by association. I alternated between being grossly overweight or being skinny. Nothing worked till I was in therapy for a while and came here. Just last January I decided to get my body back and now I am starting to like the dip shit I see in the mirror(warts and all). Hey I am not perfect but who is. I can relax now for the most part.

I had the perfect body and that is what they wanted to screw around with. I dont think it matters what we look like if we were singled out for SA. The evil stink of it took away any thoughts of self worth. We have to work on that constantly.

Hope this helps
:p

The blame is where it belongs and I have forgiven myself for putting myself and those I love and love me through hell.
 
As someone in his twenties, I can relate. That was one of my biggest hangups before--feeling alone. Also, I had this whole confusion about trying to separate my sexuality from my abuse. It was hard, but I finally did it, and am now honestly, happily living my life. Personally, I found that much of what allowed me to survive was my faith. I know it's tough, and I know you feel alone, but there are people out there who can help you sort these things through.

Btw, Here's an interesting link that may be of help (in terms of people who you can reach out to) in your area.

https://www.christianlesbians.com/churches/churchesweb.html

It provides a list (and growing) of Christian churches which openly embrace homosexuality (from Episcopalian, to Lutheran, to United Church of Christ, etc.,). God Bless, and am glad that you have found this site. You will find that you are not alone.
 
Hi there, C18:

Sorry you need a place like this, but it is great that we found it, man.

I can relate to many of your feelings, but I feel pretty strongly that it is important to compare oneself with oneself. "The Perfect Guy" (who doesn't exist, by the way), "A Porn Star" (!?), or anybody else is NOT the person with whom you or I need to compare ourselves.

On this end, C18, I am now trying to compare the Me of Today with the Me of Yesterday, and make myself a little better every day. It is hard sometimes, (and I still tend to compare myself to others a lot), but at least I can now recognize that I am worthwhile and that there is a lot about Me to be grateful for. There is a lot about You to be grateful for, too, C18. I believe that thoroughly, even though I have not met you.

Hang in there, man. You aren't "dirty" because of what happened to you, and you have all the power in the world to determine your future. I will be pulling for you from afar.

Best,

Kurt
 
It is normal to feel dirty, I truly do all the time, and my body-image is none what-so-ever. Self confidence is something that is built, but when we were abused, masterful destroyers crushed our self-confidence, to save themselves. I wish you luck, and if you ever need someone to listen feel free to PM me.

scott
 
you are alone with that feeling and i still struggle with the same feeling every now and then. i sometimes takes it as a challenge to make my slef better not for anyone but for GOd and myself. i owe it to myself to be the best that i can be. take it one day at a time and you will get where you want to be. good luck!
 
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