Raped and infected with HIV

Raped and infected with HIV
D

deano39

New Registrant
Help!!!!!!
I sometimes feel I will never get over what I have gone through now do to a rape by another man I have HIV !!!!
Life has been pretty rough since my folks divorced and my mom had to go to work to support the four of us three sisters (younger)and had to have baby sitters.
The first incidence was when I was 11 and a 13 year old male babysitter forced himself on me , it happened again when I was 13 by an uncle by marriage and he threatened to kill my mom if I told .
I had three heterosexual relationships that ended
breaking my heart so I became a swinger bi-sexual
Iwas with a guy I really liked and an aquaintence of his tied me up and raped me .I believe this is when I contacted the aids virus , but had no clue for several months ----I didn't report it because I was ashame of my life .
As I became sicker , mentally I became very ill , my mom invited me to come down to Georgia and work where she did .three years before she had suffered a house fire from an aunt she cared for trying to cook while mom was away and had no real home of her own.
Anyway I went down in July and by labor day weekend I was arrested for entering a car, at this time I was really delerious, and tho my mom tried to visit me I was totally unaware of how to make that happen , I was raped repeatedly the whole three months I was in Gwinnett co jail,sometimes the guards watched, I was humilated
and since I am a small framed guy haD NO WAY TO STOP THEM , now I AM sure THEY HAVE AIDS too !!1
I was released from jail on the 21st of December
my mom was shocked at my appearence they hadn't allowed me to shave and I was hairy plus weighed only 120lbs .the day before christmas she took me to the hospital I was shakey incontinent, she thought I had Parkinsens three days after christmas I was diagnoised with HIV since then I have been in four nursing homes and treated very bad and suffering guilt from these experiences and feel now I must go homosexual, I am lonely , feel unloved and hopeless .
I want to punish those guys from the jail , I want compensation for the humilation and hurt that was inflicted on me but can't figure where to start.
CAN someone please help me?
 
Dean,

First off, I am so sorry that all of this happened to you. To endure all of that is horrible, and you have been brave to survive this.

You need to get help for yourself. If you haven't already, call a rape crisis center. They can put you in touch with counselors, legal help, and local AIDS action committees who can get you whatever assistance you need.

Next, find someone to talk to. You're in the right place. All of the guys here have survived some form of sexual abuse and assault. We are good listeners. You are going to need the support. The local crisis center can put you in touch with a counselor, all at either low cost or no cost. Try to find someone, a friend or relative, to confide in and speak to. You'll be amazed at how liberating it is to just actually reveal all the harm done to you.

None of this is your fault. You were raped and taken advantage of. Society gives us all this bulls**t about how men can't be raped, etc. They can. You have been. Please do not blame yourself. The men who hurt you are to blame. Not you. NEVER YOU!

Dean, please stay in touch. Post here when you feel the need. PM me or a brother here you find you can trust. You do NOT have to go through this alone.

I wish you peace and healing, my new brother. I love you. No strings.

Scot
 
Deano,

Your brother, Scot, ,has some good advice. I hope that you have those numbers available in your community.
I cant imagine your pain, physical, emotional and spiritual...your abusers tried to take it all. The fact that youre here speaks to your strength. Youve got my admiration.
Getting your self into a more comfortable situation with one of the organizations that Scot mentioned would be a first priority. Speaking with a US Marshal might be an option to look into..or the FBI. People whose duty it is to protect us, acting like criminals, is more than criminal, and US officials should be told if youre up to it.
Hoping that youre able to find a good therapist through the suggestions of Scot, or by checking our list and PMing Ken Singer.
Like Scot said, post here and keep us up to date on your progress and know that youve found a brotherhood, a gang, a posse.

All my best to you,

David
 
Deano,
I am so sorry for what you went through and are still going through. That you are here, still fighting and reaching out for help speaks to your inner strength. Scot and David have good advice, I just want to add my words of support. Take care of yourself, man, you have nothing, absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Ken
 
Deano,

I echo the support that the good men ahead of me have given. There is much wisdom and caring in their advice.

You indeed have nothing to be ashamed of, you are a survivor and a brother here!!!

I know there has been a lot of progress in the fight against AIDS and HIV. There are drugs that have proven to suppress the onset of the disease for many years and that gives hope that there is time to find a cure.

You can live a happy and successful life as a person that is HIV+. I'm sure its possible for you too!!!

Thanks for coming here and showing the courage to post your story.

Come back as often as you want.

Peace,

Aaron
 
Dean...
Please..know you ARE NOT ALONE...
We are here for YOU... in heart and in soul my friend. Like the others said... there is NOTHING to be ASHAMED of... We have all been through stuff....

I would think there are places that could help like they said.. and I hope that if there is anyone here within this group reading this who might be in such a position so as to help Dean that you might possibly consider doing so. I wish I was.. or I would.

Remember Dean, besides all of us here, you have another person on YOUR side... if you will let him.. GOD.(hope this is OK to say here) He said something to the effect, that if anyone touches one hair on a little ones head.. he would better be thrown into the water with a millstone tied around his neck. I believe the wrath of GOD will come down upon them ... vengence is his my friend.. HIS LOVE is yours.. and there are a lot of people that do love you.

Tom
 
Your story was hard for me just to read. I know the depths of the pain you feel are unfathomable. We all know how bad it hurts, and how frustrating it is to feel so powerless. YOU'RE NOT ALONE! I never got back the results from my AIDS test, so I don't even know if maybe I'm HIV+. Honestly, I was too afraid to find out. I'd rather not know than face what you're facing. Stay strong. I wish I could tell you those bastards will get their Cum-uppins, but I can't. The first I did after I was raped was tell the police, and all I got was a phone call ONE YEAR(!) later saying they wouldn't try the case because no-one would convict this man (who was known to be a drug dealer and had an extensive criminal record)and suggesting that I was a prostitute. Things are not cut out to make a survivor's smooth or easy. That's why this place is here. Keep writing, and tell us how you are coming along. There is a future out there for you, but you'll have to fight for it. We're here to help each other get there.
 
I just wished to welcome you here, and hope that you are able to find help, advice, and support. This is great place for all that.

I am sorry to not respond more personally at you, I was not able to read your full post. I am not at strong place in my head right now, and can not read so much the 'trigger' things right now. But did not wish to ignore you, I did wish you to know that I also am someone who welcomes you here and hopes to be friend at you.

I wish you well, and good luck.

leosha
 
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