ranting...and reflecting, or something (lengthy)
I'm tired.
The holidays sucked, but at least they're over, I was away from a my computer, so I was away from the boards.
I'm tired:
of flashbacks- of my mom abusing me, and
of my 2nd perp the older boy down the street,
of not having any self confidence,
being poor
living in a dump, a basement studio in a building with roaches,
dead end jobs,
being alone,
being a loner,
not being wiling to let anyone get too close because then I'd have to explain why I'm so fucked up,
getting older, but not seeming to get any traction in life, work,
of never having been in a relationship and I'm pushing 40,
of being 30+ pounds overweight,
of going bald,
of drinking half a six pack, or more, every night-to take the edge off,
tired of my controlling mother who lives 2 hours away but still tries to manipulate me
tired of being in the closet, if that's where I am, I don't know,
of jokes about CSA, fags, porn, etc in movies, tv, workplace
tired of being alone, did I say that already?
tired of being afraid to disclose anything to anybody (except here)
of being afraid to be me, whoever that is,
of somepart of me still being stuck at 9 or 12 years old,
of feeling like everybody else is moving ahead while I stand still, or slide back,
tired of working for people 15 years younger than me,
of being afraid of math, crunching numbers,
of thinking about all the dreams I didn't pursue because I was told they were stupid, foolish, etc, and I wasn't that talented so I shouldn't get my hopes up, just give up before trying,
tired of thinkiing about how my 2nd perp manipulated my feelings, shaped my thoughts about being gay, used shame to silence me,
tired of having herpes, I might have caught it while having stupid unsafe sex with strangers, or I might have had it all along,
tired of trying to think of a way to have "the talk" if I ever did meet someone, I can't imagine how I'd tell that secret. I've chatted with guys online and everything is going great, I mention herpes, or cold sores, and they log off without saying anything. I meet someone, see someone I'm interested in, but then I get depressed and think it's pointless 'cause I have herpes and there's no way I can ever have completely safe sex with anyone ever again, and who wants that risk? I can't even fantasize uninhibited sex anymore.
tired of seeing other people in relationships,
of seeing other people sharing affection, time together,
tired of going out alone, or renting movies to watch, alone,
tired of the clutter in my life, of being a pack rat,
of the mold in my bathroom nothing seems to kill
of the leaky faucet and showerhead, the peeling paint, looking out for roaches when I turn on the light,
tired of googling people I went to school with, or once knew,
and reading about their accomplishments, jobs, families, etc
tired of being in debt over my head, existing from month to month,
of not having any self confidence,
living like a hermit,
of realizing that the last 20 years went by "just like that" and I don't have anything to show for it, materially, or personally,
tired of my shitty neighborhood and the dumbshit teenage wannabe gangster thugs that loiter on the street,
tired of being to afraid to come out of the closet, even as somebody who might be bi,
of feeling stupid, like I don't measure up,
like if anyone knew the real me I'd be found out to be a fraud,
tired of feeling unworthy of any success
tired of hating myself,
tired of feeling sorry for myself and being pathetic
So....reflecting:
I read an article on buddism in the paper once. There was something about how "time is fleeting and opportunities are soon lost" so it's better to focus on making the most of what we do have, instead of on the loss, or something like that. I saved the article, but I don't know where it is now.
I am alive. I am here. I have the opportunity to work on my problems. I'm aware of some of the major issues and events that have shaped me. I'm realtively healthy, no physical disabilities, no terminal illness, no chronic physical pain (mental, emotional, that's something else). I'm 39, I might live another 40 years, how I spend that, experience that, is largely up to me. My past doesn't HAVE to control my future, I haven't figured out how to unhook it yet, but it MUST be possible to some degree.
thanks for reading this far,
I'm trying to believe the last paragraph, I'm not there yet tho', maybe I'll put it on my fridge to remind me
The holidays sucked, but at least they're over, I was away from a my computer, so I was away from the boards.
I'm tired:
of flashbacks- of my mom abusing me, and
of my 2nd perp the older boy down the street,
of not having any self confidence,
being poor
living in a dump, a basement studio in a building with roaches,
dead end jobs,
being alone,
being a loner,
not being wiling to let anyone get too close because then I'd have to explain why I'm so fucked up,
getting older, but not seeming to get any traction in life, work,
of never having been in a relationship and I'm pushing 40,
of being 30+ pounds overweight,
of going bald,
of drinking half a six pack, or more, every night-to take the edge off,
tired of my controlling mother who lives 2 hours away but still tries to manipulate me
tired of being in the closet, if that's where I am, I don't know,
of jokes about CSA, fags, porn, etc in movies, tv, workplace
tired of being alone, did I say that already?
tired of being afraid to disclose anything to anybody (except here)
of being afraid to be me, whoever that is,
of somepart of me still being stuck at 9 or 12 years old,
of feeling like everybody else is moving ahead while I stand still, or slide back,
tired of working for people 15 years younger than me,
of being afraid of math, crunching numbers,
of thinking about all the dreams I didn't pursue because I was told they were stupid, foolish, etc, and I wasn't that talented so I shouldn't get my hopes up, just give up before trying,
tired of thinkiing about how my 2nd perp manipulated my feelings, shaped my thoughts about being gay, used shame to silence me,
tired of having herpes, I might have caught it while having stupid unsafe sex with strangers, or I might have had it all along,
tired of trying to think of a way to have "the talk" if I ever did meet someone, I can't imagine how I'd tell that secret. I've chatted with guys online and everything is going great, I mention herpes, or cold sores, and they log off without saying anything. I meet someone, see someone I'm interested in, but then I get depressed and think it's pointless 'cause I have herpes and there's no way I can ever have completely safe sex with anyone ever again, and who wants that risk? I can't even fantasize uninhibited sex anymore.
tired of seeing other people in relationships,
of seeing other people sharing affection, time together,
tired of going out alone, or renting movies to watch, alone,
tired of the clutter in my life, of being a pack rat,
of the mold in my bathroom nothing seems to kill
of the leaky faucet and showerhead, the peeling paint, looking out for roaches when I turn on the light,
tired of googling people I went to school with, or once knew,
and reading about their accomplishments, jobs, families, etc
tired of being in debt over my head, existing from month to month,
of not having any self confidence,
living like a hermit,
of realizing that the last 20 years went by "just like that" and I don't have anything to show for it, materially, or personally,
tired of my shitty neighborhood and the dumbshit teenage wannabe gangster thugs that loiter on the street,
tired of being to afraid to come out of the closet, even as somebody who might be bi,
of feeling stupid, like I don't measure up,
like if anyone knew the real me I'd be found out to be a fraud,
tired of feeling unworthy of any success
tired of hating myself,
tired of feeling sorry for myself and being pathetic
So....reflecting:
I read an article on buddism in the paper once. There was something about how "time is fleeting and opportunities are soon lost" so it's better to focus on making the most of what we do have, instead of on the loss, or something like that. I saved the article, but I don't know where it is now.
I am alive. I am here. I have the opportunity to work on my problems. I'm aware of some of the major issues and events that have shaped me. I'm realtively healthy, no physical disabilities, no terminal illness, no chronic physical pain (mental, emotional, that's something else). I'm 39, I might live another 40 years, how I spend that, experience that, is largely up to me. My past doesn't HAVE to control my future, I haven't figured out how to unhook it yet, but it MUST be possible to some degree.
thanks for reading this far,
I'm trying to believe the last paragraph, I'm not there yet tho', maybe I'll put it on my fridge to remind me
