Random, yet important to me, thoughts

[LupinIII]

1) Triggers - I was doing some reading on identifying triggers this morning and discovered, to my horror, that my entire day as a trigger. I am triggered by anger, criticism, and slutty outfits (sad but true). Every day I am faced with angry fuckers in the sales world, constant criticism and man the outfits some of those women wear wooofriggityhoo. I never thought about it before but that I get set off all the time. i am working on using 12-step philosophy and meditative techniques to focus more on me and not be set off...but holy cow!

2) The strangest thing is happening: as I am going through this hell, I have more insight than ever before. I have clarity of thought of what I want for the overall big picture. That vision gets messed up during the pain but it has not gone away.

3) Knowledge is empowering - Now that I know about a lot of the SA and f-ed up shit it is hard for me to hide in the very dysfunctional behavior. I still feel some of the urges with strip clubs and porn or the urge to spend money like water...or getting angry at my spouse because she doesn't act the way i want her too...but...with the knowledge I now have I cannot hide in the messed up places. I know why I am having the urges for strippers and it made me resist that day when i almost broke down. yesterday I got angry with my wife, but after ten minutes I knew it was me acting out and apologized and told my wife how I was feeling and why it triggered some anger. At the same time this has f-ed me up because I have two strong sides pulling at my soul.

4) My anxiety levels are at an all time high and that sucks. I have begun taking St. John's Wort (sp?) and B complex with hopes that they will help. I am also trying to cut down on useless noise (talk radio springs to mind). However there are parts of the day where I just want to go nuts. What makes things worse is I have to stuff away a lot of this during the day to do work (and i have a stressful job) but the kettle is so full it begins to boil over.....and at night..well some nights I can't even think straight.

Well that's it for now...just some things I wanted to get off my chest...thanks for reading.

 

[survive75]

Now that I know about a lot of the SA and f-ed up shit it is hard for me to hide in the very dysfunctional behavior. I still feel some of the urges with strip clubs and porn or the urge to spend money like water...or getting angry at my spouse because she doesn't act the way i want her too...but...with the knowledge I now have I cannot hide in the messed up places.

This is very profound... you have essentially transcended above the drive to perpetuate behaviors, and by identifying the reasons for them, have a good chance of moving forward into new and healthier modes of being.

Good for you... you have made real progress just in the few short weeks of being here. Glad you are with us.

-Sean

 

[RICK57]

Lupin - you may not believe this now, but you are describing comparable feelings to those I experienced as I was starting to fight my way out of this stuff.

I'm well past the worst of it now and am functioning normally (as I have been for some weeks). You are making progress, I can see that now. Believe me there is light at the end of that tunnel....I used to think it was just another brick wall.

Hang in there...best wishes Rik
*Dec 18th 2003 I started the fight!

 

[Leosha]

To identify trigers, that is an important thing I think to take some command of your healing. I am glad you are learning to do that well. It also sounds as you are becoming more aware of yourself in your behaviors and 'acting out'. Anything that teaches us more about ourself, that is a good thing. I wish you continued strength and good luck.

Leosha