random thoughts-2

random thoughts-2
S

sonlite

Registrant
some more random thoughts from a (heavy sigh) survivor ...

1. I have been reading up on a kind of therapy called Gestalt Therapy. I have checked out 4 books on the subject. Gestalt has a big focus on being aware of and living life in the PRESENT MOMENT. I am always daydreaming of life in the future, role-playing out talks w girlfriends I would like to have ect. I have always run from the feelings and duties, and my desires in the present.

2. I decided to skip mid-week church this evening and instead stay home and make a big spaghetti & meatballs dinner w salad and garlic bread and budweiser.

3. I don't have TV in my part of the apartment. I have to stand and eat my dinner bc we don't have a table. I get depressed that I am 38y and most single men (& women) my age that I come into contact w have houses and take fancy vacations and stuff.

4. There's this pretty, 5'10" tall mexican woman (I'll call her [M]) who I dated last fall, who is all of a sudden emailing and calling me. She's the only woman besides my ex-wife that I have ever slept w and well hmmm I have some VERY fond memories of us making love :D . But I am in a battle over my constantly shifting values about whether or not to (a) renew the relationship (b) blow her off and move on bc I am deeply in love w a woman at my church who I am too anxious to persue or (c) see if I should "go w the flow" and maybe get some "no-strings nookie" out of her and have some more chances at learning about this whole thing called sexuality.

5. I told [M] that I had signed up to run in a 5k race this weekend and I got an email that [M] has signed up to run it too. She wants me to take her swimming w me when I go to work out.

6. Its tough to be triggered by sexuality and books on sexuality and always feel an inside commotion and chaos of shame and self-hatred which people on the outside are unaware of.

7. I'm bored, lonely, and don't know what to do w myself.

sonlite
 
some more random thoughts from a (heavy sigh) survivor ...

1. I have been reading up on a kind of therapy called Gestalt Therapy. I have checked out 4 books on the subject. Gestalt has a big focus on being aware of and living life in the PRESENT MOMENT. I am always daydreaming of life in the future, role-playing out talks w girlfriends I would like to have ect. I have always run from the feelings and duties, and my desires in the present.
Click to expand...
Sonlite if you want you can check my thread titled
"My Major Breakthrough" from last fall, about some of my experiences with Gestalt therapy. I found it to be a very painful yet positive & therapeutic series of sessions with my T.

6. Its tough to be triggered by sexuality and books on sexuality and always feel an inside commotion and chaos of shame and self-hatred which people on the outside are unaware of.
Click to expand...
You know fellow North Carolinian, for such random thots, these sure are hitting me right between the
eyes! :eek:

7. I'm bored, lonely, and don't know what to do w myself.

sonlite
Click to expand...
Hey you're here with the wolfpack! I know it's online, but you could do worse. :)

Sonlite, I get easily bored & lonely myself, and don't know what to do with myself.

For me its about loving myself and being alone with myself w/o being lonely. Finding things to do
with myself that I like to do. In my case stuff like writing, howling with & for the pack, reading, spending time with my family, spending time with my Higher Power, doing what it takes to survive and try to thrive.

You can do it man. Already from your posts its plain to me you are not boring. You're a survivor.
:cool:
Victor
 
Sonlite,

Yeah that's weird. I tried to link someone else to it and they said they didn't get it either. In fact I can't even find it anymore, tho I know I did just recently.

Oh well, I kept it on file, so here it is just slightly edited from original form:

My Male Survivor Friends:

I've had two 2-chair therapy sessions in which I meet with my mother & my T in the safety of his office. Tho not physically present, she has been there & we have communicated in a very real way.

Between each session I had taken a week or 2 to process what happened & talk with my T about it. We've worked together, usually weekly, for well over a year now.

Well, this past Monday, a couple weeks after my last 2-chair time, I had a major breakthrough.

I told my T I had been thinking about whether or not we needed to meet with my mother again, and that I just wasn't sure; what did he think?

Basically, he said he thinks I've probably dug up the past & the worst of the stuff there all I need to, at least until something else different comes up, some really bad memory that's a new event not just another detail or more of the same garbage--which he thinks is unlikely.

He doesn't want me to forget or deny the past, or even stop dealing with it. He just thinks I'm at the point where I can really live in the present, using what I know out of the past, but not dwelling on it anymore. He thinks that's the best way to deal with the past now--just live.

Yeah I know; it sounds so simple, so obvious. It's certainly nothing I haven't heard of or thot about plenty of times before. But it was the first time he ever said it to me in that way, in the present-now-you can do it tense.

It's also the first time I really believe it! (And I know how vital that is). I don't need to meet with my mother or have any contact or connection with her anymore.

I'd already broken contact with and put aside my mother of the present, who would not be much of a threat even if she were closer by than she is. The mother I've been needing to put away much more is the one who abused me so much all those years ago--a woman I doubt my present mother even remembers & certainly doesn't want to remember.

Now, I've done that. Not that I haven't wanted to; I have. But to release the hurts & hatred was hard. What was probably once necessary for survival had become like a security blanket for me, sometimes even an excuse, a very unnecessary hindrance that kept tripping me up.

Now I've released it. Oh there still are & will be hurt feelings to heal, bad habits to break, etc. But there also are & will be new good feelings, new habits & hobbies to get into, new & renewed relationships, new & wonderful experiences.

The key is that I believe now the new, the positive, the present, is where I can truly focus & live, even when bad feelings or new problems come, as they will.

In short, I think I'm finally beginning the move away from just surviving to thriving.

And I emphasize "beginning." I don't think I'd really even started or felt capable of doing that until now. I didn't become a victim, or a survivor, overnite; I won't become a "thriver" that way either.

What I now can & will do is begin to be a thriver moment by moment, day by day. Not without setbacks or obstacles, from the past or the present.

I can start really practicing & living life w/o always automatically going into victim mode when someone is abusive or disruptive. I believe the time will come when that will rarely to never be my 1st inclination anymore. Which means my 1st reaction won't always be acting out in some hurtful, harmful way.

Oh man I know its not over! Damn, those nasty old habits do die hard don't they? Even now I'm dealing with temptations to act out sexually. I'm still hurting physically & wanting to medicate somehow. But its not dominant in my heart & mind. Not now. Hopefully never again. But if so, I still have taken a big step, made a major breakthru, that will help me thru.

No, its not over. Its a beginning. Another big step taken on the road to health & wholeness, with many more little & some big steps yet to come. But I look forward to them now more than I ever thot possible.

Yeah its still scary. Getting abused & shot down so many times when I thot I was going to be happy or get ahead or be able to trust does that to you. I know it won't just magically disappear. No magic here.

But I'm finally at the point where I'm starting to really believe that trying to live life to the fullest & enjoy it the most I can, even when I have problems even traumas, is going to be less painful than just settling for misery so I don't get disappointed, becuz then I was just disappointed all the time anyway.

Wow am I rambling this is hard to put into words! So simple, so basic, yet so exciting & powerful!

I guess I'm learning not to underestimate every little step I take no matter how much it hurts or how many hazards I face, becuz the little steps lead to big steps, and all steps lead home as long as I keep stepping.

And I've got to add that this is happening as it is in great part becuz of you men, my fellow survivors. It was just a couple of months ago I started on this forum & now here I am. You've helped me take a big step, fellas, know it or not; and that means you've taken a great step yourselves, at least in my eyes. THANK YOU!

I had to take the step. I did take the step largely becuz you, fellow survivors, gave me a lot of the hope, courage & inspiration to do so.

Fellow survivors, this is why its so great when we help each other walk the path together as we do. And I'm glad we do becuz I know I'm still gonna stumble & need plenty of support. And as with the downs, its nice to have people who understand to share the "ups" with too.

Take care & thank you men!


Sonlite I hope this helps a bit.

Victor
 
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