Ramblings

[deck]

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted. I've been here a few times but haven't been able to figure out what exactly has been troubling me. I cann't seem to figure out what all I want to ask/say.

It's strange. I hit a low point a couple/three weeks ago when I'd really lost it while driving my car. There are a couple other things that have been going on. I know these things are effecting my thinking but I'm sure how to describe what or how Im feeling other than confused (figure in shame and confusion).

I'd spoken to couple of very supportive friends as well as getting some advice here regarding the car incident. After about a week of reflection something changed. I guess the best way to descibe it is that I started to feel hopeful. The mood swings are still there and I do have moments of extreme emotional swings. But somehow, I feel like I can weather them. That of course doesn't make them stop.

That's not all. Over the last few days, I've been wondering about things. It's hard to describe but it's like I'm trying to shake off an old definition, an old self. The low self esteem, the guilt and the shame. It seems so ingrained. A part of me feels very alone. And my emotions just seem to jump everywhere.

The problem is I have no new definition. I still have the feeling of needing to do something but I just don't know what it is. I don't know where to start or what to do.

Im sorry this seems ramble and probably doesn't make much sense.

 

[Lloydy]

Deck
it makes sense to me, it's how I felt about 6 or 7 years ago.

I had no idea about what to do, what was going on inside my head or if I was doing the right thing?

So I just went with the flow, I started off by letting my instincts guide me. Which was actually a huge step because it meant I was trusting myself, even if I didn't recognise it at the time.

Eventually I figured out that therapy might help, and it did. That gave me direction and meaning, it didn't give me 'answers', but it led through the mess inside my head so I could make some sense out of it.

It's still a bit untidy in there, but I can put up with that.

Dave

 

[roadrunner]

Deck,

I thought your post was just fine. You are saying what you need to say, and that's what's important.

When someone asks me if we can talk and then they find it difficult to get started, I tell them just start anywhere - big breath and hit the keys. What you have to say will take it's own direction soon enough, especially if you are posting frequently.

Much love,
Larry

 

[deck]

Thanks guys...It's difficult wanting to say or do something and have no idea what it is. So many things seem so very confusing. I think you're right it has to do with learning to trust yourself. Sometimes that's hard. thanx!!