rage, can anyone relate?

[Galapogos]

Last night I was walking home and I had to walk through a group of about 15 to 20 street kids, mostly teenagers. that hang out by some public benches. Some of them were loud, obnoxious, I tried to ignore them, one said "herb?", I shook my head, kept walking, another kid, about 16, asked me for spare change, I said calmly said no, and kept walking, he responded with a bunch of obscenities, (have a nice day, you goddamn faggot motherfucker..etc) he said it just loud enough for me to hear as I walked away, but not like a direct confrontation. I walked on, some of the other kids laughed.
As I walked the rest of the way home I felt this rage, almost uncontrollable. I hesitate to type what was going through my head, people usually want to call the police if you start talking about hurting people. But I stewed about it for the next 5 or 6 hours, I was filled with anger, hate, rage, I wanted to fucking kill them all, I was pacing around my apartment, I'm sure my blood pressure was sky high.
After awhile I calmed down, did a lot of journal writing, thought about it rationally, I don't really want to hurt anyone. I'm not a violent person, I avoid conflict. I don't know why my reaction was so out of proportion to the event. Maybe it triggered a lot unexspressed stuff? All my life I've avoided conflict, and suppressed my feelings. I think there's a connection between my SA, my low self-esteem, my lack of self-confidence and my hesitation to stick up for myself.
I don't know how I could have handled it differently and walked away with my ego, and my face, intact.

 

[Ivanhoe]

"I don't know how I could have handled it differently and walked away with my ego, and my face, intact."


Or, your life.

15, you say. I don't think that anyone would take on 15 people, unless, of course, they're Jackie Chan.
I think that you handled it just right; you kept walking.

I do understand your rage, however. I've found myself in similar situations where someone has called me a not so positive name, and I would have wanted to respond in like kind or to have punched their lights out.

Well, guess what. We both handled it in the best possible way, we kept walking.

I think that once we deal with the issues surrounding what happened to us, when we had no choice, we'll not feel quite so riled when we come across situations like that in the future.

Doing some exercises after we reach home might take care of any hostility in the short term.

Good luck, you're not alone in feeling that way.
Rage is kinda of a normal reaction to the very abnormal things that were done to us.

I don't get nearly as angry as I used to.
You'll gain more control of your emotions as you work through to recovery.

David

 

[AuthenticMe]

"I think there's a connection between my SA, my low self-esteem, my lack of self-confidence and my hesitation to stick up for myself."

This is the story of my life. I have terrible self-esteem, I avoid conflict like the plague, and have been acting from a place of such shame that I feel I've done something wrong even when I haven't. I can relate.

 

[Born to Resist]

Given what you described pretty much everyone I know would be upset (scared, angry, afraid, etc.) about what happened. But it obviously can be more upsetting when you've been abused.

Unless you have some strong street smarts and willing to fight it out if necessary there really isn't any other way to handle it. Even when someone has a high degree of both some times the wisest thing to do is do exactly what you did. Especially with teenages you never know if they are on something, if they have a concealed weapon, have something to prove in front of their peers, and don't seriously think about jail time (or see it as an honor of toughness to do time). I find that least people of 20 something age or older, who aren't high, will at least think twice, but will still put on a show to save face.

One thing you can do next time, which I have done in one case cause they were breaking windshields, is call the police and let them know. But only do this if you feel okay and safe about it. Police can take it as an anonymous tip.

Tough thing now is that you're left to deal with all the negative emotion. Exercise and a punching bag (boy does this feels good) can be a good momentary band aid/release. The most important thing is to keep dealing with the underlying source of inappropriate anger/rage, given the situation, so you can try and understand and work through it in a more healthy mode in the long run.

 

[FormerTexan]

I was in a situation that had some similarity to it. I was driving home from the store. I had the green light to go straight. Some punk kids cut me off by turning in front of me and one of them gave me the finger as they went. For the rest of the day I had fantasies of following them and taking a baseball bat to their car, busting it to pieces. I was fuming the rest of the day. The next day I talked it out with a friend. I don't recall doing stupid crap to tick people off when I was a kid.

 

[RICK57]

Galapogos - I think you did pretty well to keep walking without reacting to them.

I get the feelings of rage - it's being abused all over again, without being able to stop it.

It's sad that not everyone these days is brought up to have mutual respect for others, but that's the way it is now.

My biggest fear is that some day instances like this will become more frequent, and then decent people will form vigilante groups to sort things out - then we have anarchy.

You did the right thing, even if it does not feel like you did. You can respect yourself even if that bunch of retards cannot.

Best wishes ..Rik

 

[ftgf]

I recall doing lots of stupid things to piss people off by time I was 18. lol

You did the right thing, by walking away.

I think it is good, that you have the insight to see why it upset you so. Work with that.

If you get upset and rage in front of them, or on them, you are giving them power over you.

Don't give them the satisfaction.

Just my humble opinion.

 

[andrew51]

Yes, I can relate. I don't like to admit it, but sometimes I lay awake at night and play the same old angry, hateful track over and over and over in my head. The target of my anger/rage doesn't even have a clue that I'm feeling this way. 99% of my anger is because I am afraid or fearful of something. Peace, Andrew

 

[Kirk Wayne]

Relate? Sure can and I often think about my rages and their consequences especially towards others and I have two convictions for domestic violence which shames me more than my actual SA, those flashbacks come back often and I have to totally agree that it is completely my fault, but on occasions that rage has been pointed back to myself with near fatal consequences.

Kirk

 

[Kirk Wayne]

Mind you being sober and clean together with anger management training I can now deal with it, most of the time

Kirk

 

[ScottyTodd]

Galapogos - I too can relate! Rage? R-A-G-E!!!! When I was younger, I would black out and not remember how aggressive and hostile my anger could get. As I got older, I realized "a butthead remark" by some immature a##hole didn't mean a "butthead response" by me (making me an immature a##hole). My response with rage was probably because I felt "helpless to stop his (the 15 street guys) verbal abuse". The feeling of helplessness would have been the trigger for me. Now, I blow it off because if they get angry at my decision and verbalize their anger...I keep walking because it is their problem not mine!

Howard

 

[WalkingSouth]

This one got me to thinking about having to deal with verbal and minor physical abuse from the kids at school. I think when I was in the 4th grade, which would have put me at 11 years old (seems to have been a banner year for me), I got sick of both and started fighting dirty.

In other words I did such things as keep really sharp pencils handy or the business end of a geometry compas at close range if I was in the classroom. That way if they tried to sneak up behind me and yank on my ears or something I'd quick jab them really hard. Got a couple of them too!

I look back on those days and marvel that I didn't do someone serious damage. It's probably a REALLY GOOD thing my parents were pacifists and didn't believe in weapons. Boy am I grateful.

Anyhow they learned to leave me alone, but it made me no friends either.

At some point I learned to just ignore the verbal stuff as if it never happened sort of like Howard said. "Hey, that's their problem, not mine."

It's funny though, get me behind the wheel of a car and it is harder to ignore... I do manage tho... and as I progress with learning about myself and with my personal growth, it's less and less of a problem. Now I just mutter under my breath about it.

Courage,

John

 

[roadrunner]

Galapogos,

Others have already picked up on this one:

I think there's a connection between my SA, my low self-esteem, my lack of self-confidence and my hesitation to stick up for myself.

I'm sure that's true; ot at least, it sure feels that way to me. BUT...in this case the way you reacted was just good common sense. For all you know that group was a street gang that could have done you a lot of harm if you had stood up to them.

I often find that when something happens that makes me feel weak, unworthy, or disempowered, I blame it on my abuse history or depression. But a lot of times I rethink later and realize that many people who have not been abused and don't have depression problems have also made the same mistake or had the same experience. I guess it's part of our tendency to dump on ourselves. Or at least that's how it feels to me.

Take care,
Larry

 

[Galapogos]

I want to say thank you to everybody for their posts.

My main concern was just how angry I let myself get. It just seemed so out of proportion.

Another time at work I totally lost my cool. I was working with 3 other people on a daily report (at the end of a long day) and I went to go crunch some data that was needed. I'm not that fast with the software, it'd maybe take me a minute or two longer compared to the younger guys. So I get it done and return to the group to find one of them had already done numbers, even though they knew that's what I was doing. I asked "Why didn't you tell me you were doing it so I wouldn't waste my time?". "Guess you didn't get it done fast enough he-he" They thought my frustration was funny (they're 23, I'm 38). I just blurted out ''Fuck you" and left for the day.
I was so livid I had hard time driving home, I was pounding the steering wheel, my mind was dredging up every mistake or bad choice I'd made, and I wanted to obliterate my co-workers. The rest of the night I was filled with anger, hate, rage, and I was totally down on myself for being a complete fucking loser, and on, and, on.
My boss saw me leave in a bad mood, questioned my co-workers after I left. The next day I had to have a meeting with two managers. I had to explain what happened and it didn't make me look very professional, more pathetic than anything. Fortunately my boss is older and somewhat sympathetic, she could have just fired me, but we just had a conversation, no write-up, etc.. After that my coworkers were sort of leery of me A year later I was laid off when the office closed.

I get so upset...maybe it goes back to controll issues as well...and all the feelings of shame.

 

[WalkingSouth]

Boy, I can relate to that post.

I have come to the conclusion that when I act/feel the way you described, that it is a result of many of the bad things that happened to me as a child. Emotional and physical abuse compounded with the SA. Those things trapped me at the emotional age that I was when they occured and stunted my growth in that area.

Now 40 years later I am beginning to learn to deal with those issues and my relations with those I work with etc. seem to be improving. Slowly.

Anyhow there's at least one of us here that can relate to the way describe yourself on the anger issue.

Courage,

John