rage / anger / venting

rage / anger / venting
P

patheobald

Registrant
One thing I have a hard time doing is expressing anger. I have to type this with 1 hand because my other is broken. I hit the wall because I was angry and didnt know what to do. Lately Ive had many things pressing on me like stress at work and the emotions coming up over confronting the priest who abused me. On top of this, my wife and I got into an argument over something stupid. Neither of us were wrong. We just had different priorities over something that blew up into an argument. I should have seen it coming. My tension had been building for a few days. Knowing she wasnt at fault, I wanted for us to settle the argument but I didnt know how. When I got home yesterday I planned to try to explain how I didnt know what to do and it wasnt her fault but things blew up again and I hit the wall. The rage/anger wasnt directed at my wife but, rather, just an inability to do anything else. I get overwhelmed and I loose control over what I do. This is my main fear about confronting the priest who abused me. Im afraid I will get overwhelmed and seriously hurt him. With him I dont think I would even try to stop myself. :mad: It is because of him that I have this rage hiding just below the surface. I want to feel the release of it but at the same time I am scared of it. Ive tried doing some work with my T a long time ago but felt foolish hitting a pillow with a foam bat. I see him again tomorrow after a 10 month sabbatical on my part.
 
I'm sorry this is all so overwhelming at times. Sometimes I wish I were "man enough" to hit the wall. For many of us, so many EXTERNAL circumstances have controled us. We have become conditioned for that to happen and it seems normal and ok. With time and healing, we can take back control and determin how we will respond. However, that is easier said than done. With regard to confronting the priest, perhaps consider a plan. The Courage to Heal Workbook (Laura Davis) has a chapter on confrontation. So often in confrontation things may not go as planned or meet our expectations. It would be good to work through your expectations of the confrontation and have a plan as well as a back up plan for when or if you become overwhelmed. With your wife, perhaps a plan on how to aurgue would be helpful. So many feel that if a relationship if great, there will be no arguments. THAT'S NOT TRUE. Disagreements and arguments are enevitable. Perhaps on a good day consider talking with your wife and address the topic: How to Fight Fair. You know you will fight, but what are the ground rules (safe, constuctive...) for fighting. In any situation you may not actually follow the plan, but at least you have taken a step to address it.

With regard to me not feeling "man enough" to hit the wall. I think that may feel really good in a strange way. Perhaps I try to PLAN "Control" too much. It would really feel good to just go wild and realse all this anger I feel. Are there any suggestions? I don't want to write, paint or make music. I want to hit something hard. Yet, my planning keeps me from destroying property or others. Any constuctive, physical yet safe ideas out there?
 
Nothing worse than the feeling of shame that comes with taking your anger out on the wrong person. I know it all too well. Sometimes in life we get so busy we don't even have time to vent properly and then some unsuspecting victim catches our wrath and it is usually someone we care about. That sucks immensely. It probably sucks worse for the wall. :D Check this out, whatever works for you that is not destructive is great but I'd like to share a few of my methods. I started off taking an empty gatorade bottle and putting on the cap, holding it in one hand and punching it with the other. It feels great but it can tear up your knuckle after a while because its hard to stop. Another thing is to work out(yeah that's a common idea) but while you're doing it, Imagine your abuser is there with you while your working out. He is telling you that you cant do that many reps or pushups because your weak. Then do those extra reps in anger and rage just to prove him wrong. He wants you to be and feel weak. Do that last rep to show him your not and to show him you don't give a shit what he says and your doing it inspite of him. For me, a little Pantera and some cussing (if no one's around) helps.
 
Pathebold,

When I think about confronting my abusers I imagine I will become unhinged and beat them bloody. Right now I'm thinking if I ever did confront them it would be through a letter. However, if I did decide to confront face to face I would request some of the people I've disclosed to be there like my father, brothernlaw, and cousin. I think they could hold me back if I snapped.

As for releasing the anger ... I look around my apartment and see my fist print on parts of the walls. I use to simply hit a brick wall. Best is a heavy punching bag ... one of those that is about 5- 6 feet tall. Punching bag gloves are a must ... I started to damage my finger joints punching bare fisted ... especially with how hard it sounds like youre likely to want to hit the bag. This is a great temporary remedy ... but the underlying issues of how to properly use anger in recovery still need work with your therapist ... this is something I'm currently working on ... the negative anger has become an ineffective way of coping and all the short term techniques I use are losing their effective.

Courage-Wisdom Spirituality
 
I have no wisdom to offer about anger but I would strongly advise you not to do anything to escape it. I used alcohol for fourteen years to escape rage. It almost destroyed me. If you choose the path of escape you will go to hell. If you choose the harder path of self-knowledge and redemption you will live. Why let the criminal(s) who savaged you in the first place to carry on their ultimate act of destruction within you through your own folly.

Oh whatever. I'm starting to rant. Just don't do something stupid with your anger. Buy a punching bag. Or in the very least take a whiffle bat to a pillow.
 
The one problem I can see with seeking something to hit in order to vent our anger is that it trains us to "need" that opportunity for violent physical release - and a victim. My fear is that one day we will be away away from the safe victim (punching bag, for example) and have that overwhelming urge - engrained into us by our own training - to lash out anyway.

I guess the key here is to find a safer way to vent anger: writing furious letters that will never be sent, for example; running; swimming. I'm no expert, but it seems perilous to go down the road of convincing ourselves that only physical force will allow us truly to vent our anger.

Another item for the list for the therapist!

Larry

PS: There was a useful thread on anger v. rage awhile back, and fishing for that in archive would be a good idea.
 
I agree with what you are saying Larry. Exploding in anger, even if it is safely done with a bag or something, is still exploding in anger. That is not a good response to develop. When I explode like that I am left feeling like Ive lost something good about me. I do well releasing anger through writing and physical exercise but sometimes that is not enough. It seems that no matter how much anger I release there is still much more left...an endless buildup of that nasty stuff. Ive even yelled at my couch when the appropriate person wasnt available but all of these things dont feel completely right because this release isnt directed to that pathetic piece of crap who did those disgusting things to me Even when I lose control and make another hole for me to repair, it leaves me feeling worse than before. I see my T today after I get my hand set so Im sure the topic will be addressed.
 
Patheobald,

I am an old hand at denial and denying my own feelings, so perhaps my thoughts reflect that.

I would never say that a survivor doesn't have a lot to be angry about, but I can't recall any time when I have exploded and then discovered later on that this had been the best possible response. My experience is that this is a huge drain on my emotional resources and often, as you comment, makes me feel worse.

Again, I am no expert, but what (I think) I am trying to do these days is to express my feelings and work with them and learn from them before they get distilled into an irrational anger that compels me to lash out.

Your closing remark says it all bro!

I see my T today after I get my hand set...
Click to expand...
Take care,
Larry
 
Patheobald,

I understand the feeling that you feel like you loose a good part of you. In addition I've also felt that I've let something bad in or take over me. I've noticed that this feeling is strongest when I imagine I'm beating my abusers or evil itself. It's been suggested to me to express my anger in the mindset of releasing the negative energy/thoughts/feelings so all that remains is the good ... not with my abusers in mind. This has helped. In addition I meditate before and after I begin my punching bag workout for about 2 miniutes to help keep my mindset in this frame of mind. In doing so my workout becomes a mental exercise of how to reconceptualize anger.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Morning star,

You are not continuing any cycle. You are using the punching bag as a way of coping with abuse, not as a way of committing it.

The abused kids who turn into abusers themselves are the ones who are trapped, alone, and either won't or can't deal with their fears and feelings. You are on an entirely different track bro - that is so clear from what you say here and how you say it. Stick with us.

Much love,
Larry
 
In my own experience a physical release of anger has been very useful for me. I grew up learning that anger and violence were the same thing, I was very ashamed of my anger and mostly kept it under tight control. I didnt even know I was angry, anger was the biggest part of my depression. There is a big difference for me in lashing out and the physical expression of anger with a bat/punch bag in a safe healthy way I have done both, I have hurt myself punching a wall too. Sometimes expressing anger in therapy is worth more than ten talking sessions. I am still reluctant to do the anger release work but it is really useful and powerful for me and makes me less likely to lash out, get depressed or hurt myself. I dont think I would do well with a foam bat, I use a hard plastic one that feels effective and satisfying.

About confronting the priest, I guess you are well aware that if there is a risk that you would hurt him and that that would get you in trouble then maybe you need to think about if this is the right time to see him. I am of course not concerned about him but the consequences for you.

Peter.
 
I was never able to find anger for a very long time. It's only when I started accepting that what happened to me was wrong, that the anger started to surface. I didn't know what to do with it at all. *I played drums for years & maybe that had helped in the past.

One night I sat down with a sheet of paper and put a line down the middle of it.

One one side I decided to draw all the people that pissed me off & on the other I decided to draw the people that were good in my life.

I ended up with the perv on one side (all by himself) and the people that really care about me on the other (they might not if they saw the quick scetches that I drew).

I couldn't even be bothered to draw the people that sometimes piss me off at work, or, politicians that I disagree with - in the grand scheme of things, they didn't seem too relevant.

I think I lost the anger again when I realised that I had more people that cared than didn't. Who gives a toss about the perv being all by himself - that actually reflects his reality now.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
My Splinter and Me

Even today,
that child sits somewhere
weeping
Even today
that child lies somewhere
deep within me
he is cold
and he sleeping.


That child is still afraid today,
Yet I know
hed come out one day
and play!

Today, he doesnt know
his way
doesnt know its day.
For him,
its still the night
when God let him
out of His sight.

Today, he comes out
only when he's in pain.
then he lashes out
again and again.

And then one day
I learnt a new way
I learned to catch him
in his way

That night,
I caught him
and held him tight.
I told him,
Id never let him
out of my sight.

That night,
he didnt go
on the rampage,
as he knew
hed was safe.

That night,
he realized
it had always been day.

That night,
he went out
and played.

That night,
I held him
just as I always
wanted to be,
tight and safe.

That night,
he came back,
my splinter in me.

That night,
he made me
whole again.

That night,
it came to me
I thought
I was the one
who was afraid,
but it was
my splinter in me.

That night,
I felt
safe again.

Today, I live happily
with my splinter
healed in me.
 
Morning Star,

Now he comes to the surface.
only when threatened,
only when hurt or guilty.

And that
is the moment
I catch him up
I hold him tight
Click to expand...
This is such a great image. I think this is exactly what we need to do. When the little one shows up, hold on to him and make him feel safe. Honor his fear and feelings - he's a child.

Much love,
Larry
 
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