serenebreeze,
Welcome to Male Survivor and the F&F forum. You have a great bunch of women here who will certainly support and understand you, as well as survivors whom I hope don't make too much trouble for you!
I remember your husband - hasn't been around for awhile I think. He certainly has a lot to be angry about: abused for ten years by his own father, brother also abused, kicked out of the house at 17, mother unsupportive, two teachers who should have been able to see what was happening to him but did nothing, and family members on both sides unsupportive. That's a lot of fuel for rage!
I think he's also angry with himself. He may wonder why he "allowed" the abuse to continue so long, and I remember he was very frustrated that he had not stood up for himself when relatives pressured him into seeing his father again.
I also wonder if he feels very alone and unjustly singled out somehow. The threads he started often asked "Has anyone else had this experience?", as if the answer might be no and he might be alone with this problem. That too would be a big source of anger - why me?
He was in therapy earlier this year and I hope that's continuing. Really, what you both need to do is work through a professional to deal with this, as it seems to be a problem that's getting worse rather than improving.
That said, I've got a few ideas you may want to think about, and the first is that while his anger against the abuse and his father is 100% justified, when he rages against you and the family he's aiming at the wrong target. These are two different forms of anger and are NOT the same thing.
The one - anger against the abuse - is anger that he absolutely has to express. It's his reaction to what was done to him and it's release is part of his healing. But it has to come out in a healthy way and not explode out undirected. His T can suggest various things as outlets: some guys go out and just beat the crap out of a tree with a baseball bat, others work out with a punching bag or run or swim, I wrote a furious letter to my (deceased) abuser and scattered its ashes over his grave. But the point is that the anger has to be focused and released in a way that doesn't harm him or others.
The other kind of anger he's expressing is more or less general rage at the world. He looks at how people apart from the abuser failed him and he realizes - rightly - that if only ONE of them had spoken out he could have been saved. Or he may be angry that he didn't save himself or that he didn't stand up for himself on this or that occasion. If he rages against people like his former teachers, for example, they would just dismiss him or rage back. So what does he do? He rages against the people closest to him - his immediate family (I mean you and your son), not because he disrespects you but probably because he trusts you and feels safest letting his feelings out at home.
The problem with this anger is that it's aimed in the wrong direction. You are his most needed source of support; you are not the problem. He needs to understand that if you insist that you can't be targeted, that doesn't mean you are denying him his right to be angry about what happened to him. If you demand to be treated with respect and consideration, that doesn't mean you are rejecting his right to be frustrated with others who are letting him down. He also has to think of the impact of his anger on a small child, who will not understand what's going on but will certainly pick up on the tension.
I was talking about therapy above, and perhaps his T would know something he could do to learn to focus and "manage" his anger. It does have to come out, I think, but from what you say it's pretty clear that it's not coming out in healthy ways at the moment.
I hope you will continue to post here, and please pass my regards on to your husband. I remember him as a good guy and it was always interesting to talk to him.
Much love,
Larry
