Rage and Anger

Rage and Anger
J

Jeff S.

Registrant
The last couple days have been very very hard for me. My wife, who is also a survivor of CSA, has problems with reoccuring migraines. We ended up at the hospital Saturday night for relief. While the doctors were honestly doing everything they could, I was getting frustrated, because she wasn't getting relief fast enough.

By the end, they kept her in the hospital overnight. I was furiously angry. Funny thing was, the rage that came out was way over the top for the situation.

I am a gentle man, one who prefers negotiation over confrontation. Yet, I was having serious thoughts, even planning, how I could injure or kill the doctor. I came home that night and almost threw a chair through our plate glass picture window (would have been nasty since it was 20 degrees outside). I sat and pounded on the bed for 15 minutes swearing and being on the verge of a very violent outburst. It actually scared the hell out of me. I was frightened, scared that I was losing control completely and I would do something I would regret.

When I talked with my wife in the morning, she was feeling a bit better, but because of the lack of sleep, I was still raging. She confessed that she was frightened at how angry I was.

I know that there would be anger at my abuser. I know I've stuffed a great deal of anger inside, since I was a kid. I just wasn't prepared for how intense it would be when it started out. And the worst thing is, the woman who I love and cherish was afraid of me. Knowing that hurts almost more than anything else.

My regular therapist is still on vacation, and the back up is booked up until the end of next week, when I will see him on Friday. Either I will have reigned in this monster and gotten some control over him, or this monster will probably cause me to end up doing something really stupid and harmful. Failure is NOT AN OPTION!

Sometimes I wish I hadn't started this journey. Maybe ignorance with all it's problems would be better...or at least it didn't seem to hurt so much.

Jeff S.
 
Jeff, I wouldn't ever give anyone advice on this topic. I do want to tell you, though, that I, too, am considered to be a gentle person by those who know me, but periodically have the outbursts you are describing. No person is in danger from me, but walls, windows and dishes fear me. The worst part for me...and it seems to be for you...is knowing that my anger is out of control, not knowing what caused it, and really not being able to do anything about it. A part of me watches the other part of me rage and can't believe what is happening. I do this about four or five times a year, so my wife has seen it and sort of waits for it to pass....usually lasts about 15 minutes or so, but it scares me. I know it has to do with my SA and just hope that as I heal, it will lessen.

Hang in there. The fact that you could write about it here, shows that you're not out of control, but, if you're like me, the person you scared the most was yourself. There's a part of me that's scary and that I don't understand. I don't know where he's hiding, and, because I don't know exactly what triggers him, I don't know when I'll see him again. I don't like the feeling at all.

This is one of those I understand, but I really don't know what to do to help posts, Jeff. I really do understand and I hope I didn't just add to your frustration, but I wanted you to know that I cared. Bobby
 
Jeff,

I wish I could offer some words of wisdom for you, but I cannot. All I can do is relate to what you wrote. The anger, when it comes is overwhelming, at least for me. Like it came out of no where. My boss has always told me that I walk around the office with a chip on my shoulder. Drives him crazy. Anger happens to be an emotion I have no problem expressing. Sometimes it is hard to control, a small thing can turn into a rage. I tend to think it is because of the SA and the realization that the past will never change, no matter how much I want it to. It is very frustrating. I to have wondered why I started this journey of dealing with it, it was better for me, or so it seems when I just left it alone, pretended as best I could that my past was something that did not affect me, but for some odd reason the past has a way of catching up to the present. I have to believe that the journey with all of its pain and struggle will be worth it, so my future is mine, not his. He has stolen enough of my life, I will not allow him to take anymore of it. The journey Jeff is worth it, we have survived one of the most horrible things that could ever happen, the future has got to be a better place than the past.

The undiscovered country, our future, may our journey be a peaceful one.

Mark
 
Jeff,

I believe, from what you posted, that you were in Crisis. It was a real & true Emergency.
Do not hesitate to seek & use the Pager of your Therapist or the Back-up. You needed help to de-escalate, you were not able to do it yourself.

Calming down over several hours is NOT de-escalation, its exhaustion.

> It is VERY important that you have a written & rehearsed Plan as to how to Handle future episodes of this explosive anger. <

This is often called a Safety Plan. You, your wife & your Therapist (perhaps others?) all have a part in this plan. Writing it down helps all parties feel, at least in part, to have some control & it lessens the fear.

And it outlines clear & concrete steps to take. When you are in crisis, its difficult to think clearly. Having it written helps & Its something you can commit to memory.

Please be pro-active on this. Even now, though you may be calm, you need to seek out help. Today. Call up, Page that Back-up T & tell them what happened, your fear & anger level, & request help in making a Safety Plan, or Action Plan, or Empowerment Plan, or The Jeff S. Plan. call it whatever u want, just make sure u follow through with making it.

Wishing you well, ~Blacken
 
Jeff:

Anger is a powerful emotion and most of us have kept it locked down tight. It winds up in a lot of cases causing us no end of grief. In my case I set about destroying anything that seemed to indicate I had worth. And my anger was violent but not physical. And I lashed out at the two people who love me the most; my wife and daughter.

I tell you what I did. I got a baseball bat (preferrably metal) and with a friend went looking for a large oak tree. More about eh friend later.

We found a tree, very benign and hard, and I started to swing at it with the bat. At first I felt totally stupid and only took half hearted whacks at it. When I finally got into it it went on for a long time and my rage spilled out against my perps. By the time I was finished my hands were bloody and the bat was broken (wood, I could have killed myself with a splinter -thats why metal) and I was sobbing and crying and screaming at my perps.

My friend was there for two reasons. One was to make sure I did not hurt myself and the other was to let anyone who came upon us know that I was not crazy but just getting some needed therapy and releasing anger.

It worked for me and for others I have suggested it to. If you feel like it give it a try. Ear gloves though. I did not and that is why my hands were bloody I think.
 
Blacken has written some very important words there.

Have a safety plan and follow it.
Don't be afraid to call you therapist at anytime of the day or night.
Don't be afraid to go to the hospital yourself.
 
I noticed in the past, if I wasn't getting satisfaction from someone that was supposed to be able to help me, that it would trigger feelings of being taken advantage of or being victimized because everyone else seemed to get the help they needed while nothing worked for me.

I would always over react with anger.

I was watching the show "Airline" the other night, its a reality show (yuck) that follows the experiences of Southwest's employees. Many times you will see passengers fly off the handle for things the airline cannot change, such as weather delays and stuff, or the passenger gets removed from a flight because they've been drinking too much, and you can almost see it in their eyes that they have this victimized feeling like the airline is out to get them. And I could totally see myself reacting like that even just a few years ago if it were me. But in this case the camera allows us to take a step back and see others overreact from the safety of our living rooms and maybe get a feel for what may be a more constructive reaction.

I don't know where I'm going with this except to say that I understand and your reaction is a normal part of recovery, and although it takes time, it is one you can overcome.
 
I haven't experienced the rage you describe but being a survivor I think I can take an educated guess on what might be causing this. I think as you leave the role of playing the victim. You are determined not to be the victim again. And will do anything necessary to accomplish this.

Just an educated guess

Jason
 
Hey Jeff... yup, been there too. You describe it perfectly... I have always felt like there is this monster inside just waiting to get out and RAGE. For me, it takes on different forms depending on the trigger, but it does feel out of control when it happens. I think that is probably what keeps our anger so buried for so long. It is that feeling of being totally out of control that scares the hell out of me the most. And now, add on top of it, something from within myself that I can't control? That's some intense fear, man. I hope that you will be able to process this in your upcoming therapy session. I guess if we have to go through all of this, we should at least feel good about being able to talk about it and process it and hopefully deal with it in the future.
 
Thanks to everyone for the suggestions, unfortunatley, some thins aren't fesible. First, I have no pager for my therapist or backup. The center's phone isn't answered after hours and suggests the Emergency Room in case of crisis. Going there would mean admission to the inpaitent unit for 3 days.

Now, that's not really an option for me because of my rather visible status in our community. And as the pastor of my congregation, inpatient stay could be career threatening, if not ending. So, ain't going there!!!!!!!

When I was doing some of this work earlier in my life, dealing with anger from verbal and emotional abuse from my mom; my therapist recommended a pressure treated 4x4 and some 3 inch nails. Pounding nails gave me the physical outlet without harming anyone.

So today, I purchased some wood, nails, and clamped it down on my work bench. Later tonight, I plan to beat the living daylights out of some poor nails. But they were made to be beaten on, unlike children who were created to be loved and cherished.

I will talk with my wife and my therapist at my next visit (next week friday) about a safety plan. I really don't have one.

Jeff S.
 
I tend to have problems with rage too. Sometimes I feel like I can literally feel it inside of me just under the surface. The few times it has really, truely come out have scared me.

For some reason the quickest way for me to flip out is for someone to cut in front of me in line. Every time somebody does that I have to restrain myself. I have no idea why that does it though. Maybe like Roland says I feel like I'm getting victimized again...

-Eric
 
I can totally relate to this posting. Sometimes my anger goes completely over the top. However, I am getting better at de-escalating myself.
Peace, Andrew
 
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