radical acceptance??????

[michaelb]

For so long i thought my internal struggles with having sex was my inability to accept the fact that i was gay....after i began therapy i told my family i was gay and went on a few dates with gay guys, but realized i had no interest in having sex with them even though i found a couple of them to be attractive....i could have sex anytime i want it , but it is not sex i desire, it is intimacy...i know if i would ever have sex with anybody, it would have to be somebody i really care about....i was in love with as fraternity brother and although we never kissed, we wrestled constantly....we came close to engaging in sex, but i think we both so feared damaging a great relationship.....he is now married with 3 great kids and no way would i ever engage in sex with him at this point in our lives......

i know my borderline thinking really clouds sexual issues with me...i see things in black/white tems but life is mostly GRAY.......

most of my fantasies about guys come from books or magazines...watching gay videos does very little for me....you see, sex with a guy is imbedded in my mind....to be honest while i was a teenager, and even now, i've never really thought about being with a woman that much....i had mother issues and put her on such a pedestal that sex with women seems sacreligous to me.....I KNOW I'M VERY DISTURBED......all of my fantasies about guys involve oral sex, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN ANAL SEX!!!!!!!!! NONE!!!!!!!!!!.........and to be honest, most of my fantasies involve being abused by a guy or guys......usually by former teammates........i understand how hard this is to understand, i cannot understand myself.........

so you see, i could go out and have sex, but am sure that would be unfulfilling and am certain it might just cause further damage to my very fragile psyche....i really think suicide would be my only option if i just had sex with somebody.......

michael

 

[al]

Seems to me you're talking about 2 different things. One is sex, where your body sexually builds up to and usually reaches climax. The other is making love, where you lose yourself in your partner's eyes, lose your heart in their heart, where their emotions and wants and needs all roll in with yours and a physical climax is just the result of the joining, the icing on the cake so to speak. The two are very different things in my mind.... this is how I keep the past separate from the present. This is the only way I can do it. One is an act of motion. The other is an act of emotion.