Quoting Kevin's friend, relating to my family
So, I originally posted this in Male Survivor, and then I realized, this is family stuff, and decided to move it.
Today, Kevin, KMCINVA, checked in. And it's wonderful. This next is for me, and it is influenced by this excerpt from that post by Kevin: Kevin's Post
To my dear friends and especially those who know this stuff intimately, I am doing this as added introspection, gaining perspective. Later, for me, I'll do some more journaling to sort this out. I want to start while the idea is fresh. I just read Kevin's post.
I know I have acted like a victim most of my life, like a push over, weak, malleable people pleaser, and scapegoated for it on occasion. I've been abused because of it too. Not just csa, but pushed around aka bullied. A lot of what I think runs fast in my mind right now, I've got decades of stories trying to vie for a spot in this post.
So, one that changed my marriage, and started me back into the world of escapism and feeling suppression, is an event just after I married. It was perhaps within the month, it seems so? Memory of time fades, but the event still seems fresh. My wife brings up her side of it any time I explain how badly I felt when I discovered her intense and inappropriate reaction to what I innocently did.
Put yourself in two people shoes. I've done for her countless times and will express how I see her thinking, but I will start with my thinking and what I did to be treated so badly. (I'll get to the bad in timeline fashion)
It's nearing the end of summer, within a month or weeks, I'm 23, she's 22 and pregnant. We got married because of a decision about our circumstances, influenced heavily by the pregnancy, but backed up with 2 years of loving dating. It seemed like loving dating! We had very little interaction with family. Hers 12,000 miles away on the other side of our planet and just below the Equator, and I had not tried to remain very close to my family. I did make some efforts to do things with my brother, we were roommates before I got close to my girlfriend.
Ok, so we're a couple whose main social contacts were not family, but a select few close friends. For my wife, I know there were 2 she would call, but still remained mostly distant about her emotions with them. I didn't discuss anything with anybody. I had 2 pretty good friends, and about 3 acquaintances, then my brother. My sister was in the picture, but I was and am distant.
So, we're pretty much going forward alone. One super dude 23 year old, with his head up his ass, because I didn't know things, I reacted to events and made do, figuring it out as I had to. I am smart and figure things out, but without a deep pool of social life, and no connections, I was still adrift in the world. Just making do. And, I wanted to go to University. NOW, not later, no, the urgency was, that there is family housing available to students. So, I applied for that fall. I got in, and in Winter I got us into University Housing. I took on a full course load and worked 25 hours as I started all this. All that's just the gist of what was going on with me.
Ok, now, back to the bad event, and my innocent action that precipitated it. The event that ended my perception of our marriage going forward as a couple, and one that I would now make do and survive! So, I got a call from one of my acquaintances, who had recently married, and had some car trouble. It was well known among my circle, that I knew quite a bit about cars, so he asked me. He invited me over to look, see if there was something I could do, but at least offer advice. A reward of late lunch was proposed as reward, and I accepted.
The one missing link in this story is what I told my wife. I would suppose I told her I was going to look at their car, and eat. That I would try to be back later, and not too late. I'm really not sure. Since all of our stress was about her family sending her letters about expectations, regrets, worries and such, I wanted a bit of relief, and hoped she would be fine for the few hours I was gone. What did happen, is again just a bit fuzzy, I think I was gone for more like 5 hours, not 3, and I didn't call in. I know I was embarrassed to think that I would call her, and she would be upset that I didn't rush home. Then I would miss the good meal that was prepared for me. I do recall that they didn't think that I would want to eat right away, so that seems correct. The problem of waiting for cooking, trying to be gracious to hosts and maintain a newer friendship was on my mind. But, too, was that decision to people please and avoid conflict. Why embarrass myself with a call to my wife? I told her where I was, I guess it occurred to me that she could call if need be? But, I really don't know if she had the number? So, that's not fair in all this. So, let's just acknowledge it was thought of and drop it.
What happens next is very disturbing and I want to warn you not to read this if family anger issues make you very upset. I care about you, and this is for me, so I need this right now.
I got home and found the house dark and seemingly deserted? I really don't recall if she was in the bedroom, which I think she was, or if she returned home soon? But, as I entered and called out, I recall hearing nothing. So, per usual I entered the kitchen for something to drink. Btw, I had been sober 6 years at this time, getting near 7. What I saw made me panic? In the middle of the kitchen floor was a heap of our belongings and food smashed and mixed up. I know I looked for her then, but again I don't recall if I found her right away? I was now in a panic about who did this and why? I just couldn't believe my wife was responsible? Why? So, who then broke in and did this? The thing was, there was no break-in?!!
I didn't think about reporting anything, I was in total shock and I think I sat in a chair and just zoned with that shock. When my wife did enter the scene, I found out she did do that, and I was the cause! I shouldn't have been out that long, why did I leave my pregnant wife alone so long, and how dare I?! More shock as I tried to think of all this. Realize, I deferred at this point to de-escalate the situation, and let her know I was so sorry for hurting her like that. I won't do that again, and is she Ok? That's how I reacted to that event.
Well, now I want to describe how she thinks. She has to push into that confusion, that her family has been on her case, and she was in her senior year of college. She's decided not to finish next year, but wait an additional year. So, in Spring, she'll miss her graduation, her family is upset about it, she's upset about it, and it's all my fault. There are other stress points too, but that will really confuse you, so I'm just mentioning the family and college parts. She has hormones that she's never dealt with before, surging in with stress dumps which are self triggered. And, that I had the audacity to try and keep a friend during this time, HOW dare I?! Yeah, to me, that's what it was, I can't have friends if she can't. And to her, she's in so much conflict and stress, that's all my fault, I had better just do the exact right thing, EVERY time!
Riiigt, a 23 year old, like me, is going to know the right thing?! Ooooo gawd I messed up, and sort of knew it, but I was young, ignorant and had immense reserves of Can-Do attitude!! I'll make it, I have to, and that's what's got to happen. So, nope, that's not what happened. I fell on my face until graduating in 1991, continued to fail while I used until March 20, 2000, and then have lots of filler life, until I woke to this last Summer.
So, yeah, Ok, I don't feel great, I'm tense, I don't like this memory, it's a start of a mind freak and mental destruction of feelings and memories that lasted about 15 years. Though I now have 17 years of sobriety, how much time goes by, and what's happened, or will happen, I shrug my shoulders now because I just don't want to think about it!!
Today, Kevin, KMCINVA, checked in. And it's wonderful. This next is for me, and it is influenced by this excerpt from that post by Kevin: Kevin's Post
To my dear friends and especially those who know this stuff intimately, I am doing this as added introspection, gaining perspective. Later, for me, I'll do some more journaling to sort this out. I want to start while the idea is fresh. I just read Kevin's post.
I know I have acted like a victim most of my life, like a push over, weak, malleable people pleaser, and scapegoated for it on occasion. I've been abused because of it too. Not just csa, but pushed around aka bullied. A lot of what I think runs fast in my mind right now, I've got decades of stories trying to vie for a spot in this post.
So, one that changed my marriage, and started me back into the world of escapism and feeling suppression, is an event just after I married. It was perhaps within the month, it seems so? Memory of time fades, but the event still seems fresh. My wife brings up her side of it any time I explain how badly I felt when I discovered her intense and inappropriate reaction to what I innocently did.
Put yourself in two people shoes. I've done for her countless times and will express how I see her thinking, but I will start with my thinking and what I did to be treated so badly. (I'll get to the bad in timeline fashion)
It's nearing the end of summer, within a month or weeks, I'm 23, she's 22 and pregnant. We got married because of a decision about our circumstances, influenced heavily by the pregnancy, but backed up with 2 years of loving dating. It seemed like loving dating! We had very little interaction with family. Hers 12,000 miles away on the other side of our planet and just below the Equator, and I had not tried to remain very close to my family. I did make some efforts to do things with my brother, we were roommates before I got close to my girlfriend.
Ok, so we're a couple whose main social contacts were not family, but a select few close friends. For my wife, I know there were 2 she would call, but still remained mostly distant about her emotions with them. I didn't discuss anything with anybody. I had 2 pretty good friends, and about 3 acquaintances, then my brother. My sister was in the picture, but I was and am distant.
So, we're pretty much going forward alone. One super dude 23 year old, with his head up his ass, because I didn't know things, I reacted to events and made do, figuring it out as I had to. I am smart and figure things out, but without a deep pool of social life, and no connections, I was still adrift in the world. Just making do. And, I wanted to go to University. NOW, not later, no, the urgency was, that there is family housing available to students. So, I applied for that fall. I got in, and in Winter I got us into University Housing. I took on a full course load and worked 25 hours as I started all this. All that's just the gist of what was going on with me.
Ok, now, back to the bad event, and my innocent action that precipitated it. The event that ended my perception of our marriage going forward as a couple, and one that I would now make do and survive! So, I got a call from one of my acquaintances, who had recently married, and had some car trouble. It was well known among my circle, that I knew quite a bit about cars, so he asked me. He invited me over to look, see if there was something I could do, but at least offer advice. A reward of late lunch was proposed as reward, and I accepted.
The one missing link in this story is what I told my wife. I would suppose I told her I was going to look at their car, and eat. That I would try to be back later, and not too late. I'm really not sure. Since all of our stress was about her family sending her letters about expectations, regrets, worries and such, I wanted a bit of relief, and hoped she would be fine for the few hours I was gone. What did happen, is again just a bit fuzzy, I think I was gone for more like 5 hours, not 3, and I didn't call in. I know I was embarrassed to think that I would call her, and she would be upset that I didn't rush home. Then I would miss the good meal that was prepared for me. I do recall that they didn't think that I would want to eat right away, so that seems correct. The problem of waiting for cooking, trying to be gracious to hosts and maintain a newer friendship was on my mind. But, too, was that decision to people please and avoid conflict. Why embarrass myself with a call to my wife? I told her where I was, I guess it occurred to me that she could call if need be? But, I really don't know if she had the number? So, that's not fair in all this. So, let's just acknowledge it was thought of and drop it.
What happens next is very disturbing and I want to warn you not to read this if family anger issues make you very upset. I care about you, and this is for me, so I need this right now.
I got home and found the house dark and seemingly deserted? I really don't recall if she was in the bedroom, which I think she was, or if she returned home soon? But, as I entered and called out, I recall hearing nothing. So, per usual I entered the kitchen for something to drink. Btw, I had been sober 6 years at this time, getting near 7. What I saw made me panic? In the middle of the kitchen floor was a heap of our belongings and food smashed and mixed up. I know I looked for her then, but again I don't recall if I found her right away? I was now in a panic about who did this and why? I just couldn't believe my wife was responsible? Why? So, who then broke in and did this? The thing was, there was no break-in?!!
I didn't think about reporting anything, I was in total shock and I think I sat in a chair and just zoned with that shock. When my wife did enter the scene, I found out she did do that, and I was the cause! I shouldn't have been out that long, why did I leave my pregnant wife alone so long, and how dare I?! More shock as I tried to think of all this. Realize, I deferred at this point to de-escalate the situation, and let her know I was so sorry for hurting her like that. I won't do that again, and is she Ok? That's how I reacted to that event.
Well, now I want to describe how she thinks. She has to push into that confusion, that her family has been on her case, and she was in her senior year of college. She's decided not to finish next year, but wait an additional year. So, in Spring, she'll miss her graduation, her family is upset about it, she's upset about it, and it's all my fault. There are other stress points too, but that will really confuse you, so I'm just mentioning the family and college parts. She has hormones that she's never dealt with before, surging in with stress dumps which are self triggered. And, that I had the audacity to try and keep a friend during this time, HOW dare I?! Yeah, to me, that's what it was, I can't have friends if she can't. And to her, she's in so much conflict and stress, that's all my fault, I had better just do the exact right thing, EVERY time!
Riiigt, a 23 year old, like me, is going to know the right thing?! Ooooo gawd I messed up, and sort of knew it, but I was young, ignorant and had immense reserves of Can-Do attitude!! I'll make it, I have to, and that's what's got to happen. So, nope, that's not what happened. I fell on my face until graduating in 1991, continued to fail while I used until March 20, 2000, and then have lots of filler life, until I woke to this last Summer.
So, yeah, Ok, I don't feel great, I'm tense, I don't like this memory, it's a start of a mind freak and mental destruction of feelings and memories that lasted about 15 years. Though I now have 17 years of sobriety, how much time goes by, and what's happened, or will happen, I shrug my shoulders now because I just don't want to think about it!!
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It can be really hard even identifying feelings, and triggers - esspecially when you are in the midst of dealing with them. But keep working on it, you will learn to find ways to get to a peaceful state and keep your calm even in the hardest of times. 
