Questions for all survivors

[Tryingtolive]

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

Have you had any break throughs?

Has there been set backs in your healing?

How much has the abuse effected you?

How are your relationships with others?

Do you consider yourself lonely
Do you like being alone?

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

Has therapy helped?
Has Telling others helped?
Has medication helped?

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?


(Only answer questions you want to)

Is there anyone out there that is care free?

I think being care free is an ultimate goal of mine.
Which will be very hard to accomplish

 

[C. E.]

...........What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

Coping with the abuse was my lifestyle change. I really don't know where the line is between my "coping" character and my real character. I became a bit of a clown in class and was heavily into the practice of denial. In fact, I took no prisoners, including myself. I think I tried very hard to amputate myself from my past - and only succeeded in separating myself from me. I grew into a very fragmented, ungrounded person.

...........What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

Being more functional. It's a lifelong struggle.

...........Have you had any break throughs?

Yes - often with my therapist when I hit a realization. The realizations came invariably when I looked at things I didn't look at for years. Facing my past in all its detail has been my best method. Running from my past has proven my worst.

...........Has there been set backs in your healing?

Really no setbacks, but many plateaus.

...........How much has the abuse effected you?

About 52%

...........How are your relationships with others?

A relatively recent discovery is that I am a people-pleaser to an absolute fault. I tend to put myself in a position to be taken advantage of. I think we all have dealt with sociopathic "friends" - whether we were abused or not. But the first sociopathic relationship I had was with my abuser at age twelve, and it definitely set a pattern for me that I am only now starting to understand.

...........Do you consider yourself lonely?

Nope.

...........Do you like being alone?

Yes.

...........How have you learned to cope with triggers?

Therapy was one big triggering experience. I have learned to immerse myself a bit in the triggering moments. To do otherwise is running away. That never served me well.

...........Has therapy helped?

Tremendously. MS is not a substitute. It may feel like it at times, but it's not close. Male Survivor is flying above the clouds. Therapy is flying to the moon.

...........Has Telling others helped?

Totally depends who the others are. Telling my sister - who was a co-victim - was tremendously helpful. Telling friends was very hit or miss. My default is not to share unless there is a compelling reason to do so.

...........Has medication helped?

I never really was medicated except recreationally.

...........What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?

A smell, the way another might touch me, something someone says that sounds like what he said. It's hard to predict or define. It happens.


...........(Only answer questions you want to)

...........Is there anyone out there that is care free?

Only dead people.

...........I think being care free is an ultimate goal of mine. Which will be very hard to accomplish

Being care-free means you want to be free of caring. Why would you strive for such a state? Does it even exist? For me, I think my goal was to connect my fragments - to connect to myself and plant my feet in the world, finding comfort in my own shoes. But that's not being carefree - that's just finding an inner peace. There's a big difference, in my opinion. There's no Hakuna Matata - a difficult lesson that Simba the Lion King had to learn. My peace with myself was found by indulging quite the opposite - deeply caring about others and about the world around me.

 

[SmartShadow]

Care free? Maybe in a passing moment. Once and awhile now and then. I think that this is more of a state of mind then a reflection of having the absence of concerns, problems and hardship. But yes I can find and hold peace. You can to. It's not a lofty goal. It's about training your mind. More of a discipline of mind and body. For me it's more like stepping out of the care and concerns and leaving them behind and finding rest and peace in the moment. It takes piratic but once learned it can be uses more easily. Lots of forms of this. Yoga, prayer, biofeedback, self-hypnoses, meditation, relaxation techniques, mindful breathing, rem sleep , etc.
But I suppose that's not what you were talking about.
Things are a lot easer today then there were in the past. A lot easer. But I still have a lot to process and I still have a lot of anger and pain.
Take care

 

[tommyb]

(tryingtolive)


__________


What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?


Treating the self with love. Understanding I had not come from love, but the opposite.

__________


What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?


Same.

__________


Have you had any break throughs?


Realizing never having known love was no excuse.

__________


Has there been set backs in your healing?


Others.

__________


How much has the abuse affected you?


Almost stole ... me.

__________


How are your relationships with others?


At arm's length.

__________


Do you consider yourself lonely?


No.

__________


Do you like being alone?


Mostly. 'learned not to count on people, even after finding many refreshingly good company.

__________


How have you learned to cope with triggers?


Every morning I wake from intense nightmares. Takes about an hour to recover ... Realizing that all that was in the past.

__________


Has therapy helped?


It was more like an education in therapy. So ... no.

__________


Has Telling others helped?


They seem to think the posts here are some sort of ... product. It's bizarre.

__________


Has medication helped?


Sometimes.

__________


What triggered memories of abuse or when you realized you had been?


My emotions always knew. I always knew. My memory wouldn't unlock until I truly accepted that I was not at fault. It's like the brain won't accept a lie that extreme, so the memories remain locked up instead.

'Had to accept the infinite darkness of the human race, the strength I had proven by having survived them, and the understanding of love that had almost been stolen from me.

__________


Are you care free?


Yeah. Once you can see ... others ... they come across as so silly. Even the best, most impressive of them, with qualities I used to feel unavailable to me ... they always prove themselves so ... silly.

__________

 

[14by10]

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?
I have just started my healing journey. I have given up some compulsive habits that were formed over decades.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?
I still struggle with conviction that I was not at fault. Rationally thinking my head realizes that but the mind is a stubborn animal.

Have you had any breakthroughs?
Yes. I am talking more about it.

Has there been set backs in your healing?
Yes. My behavior with loved ones has become worse.

How much has the abuse effected you?
In many ways. I formed some compulsive destructive habits. I am unable to show empathy, I have anxiety, shame and fear.

How are your relationships with others?
Pretty bad.

Do you consider yourself lonely? Do you like being alone?
I can be in a roomful of people and still be lonely. There are times when I like being alone.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?
Still working on it.

Has therapy helped?
Just started.

Has Telling others helped?
Yes.

Has medication helped?
No medications.

What triggered memories of abuse or when you realized you had been?
There are various things that trigger memories. The biggest is reading about abuse in newspaper or books/magazines. To date I cannot read stories posted by other members.

 

[smc1972]

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?
I don't think I have truly coped with things. I guess my have chosen to live Denial.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?
Sexual aspects of life. Self hate of memories and how I react to them.

Have you had any break throughs?
Only one I think I can count is just being able to admit to others about my past but it has only been anonymous such as here.

Has there been set backs in your healing?
Self-hatre and depression

How much has the abuse effected you?
More than I think I can admit. It use to never seem to be an issue but now I can't move past things.

How are your relationships with others?
Become more withdrawn and put up a bigger front of how I appear to be normal.

Do you consider yourself lonely. Yes
Do you like being alone? Yes and no. I feel less stress alone though at times I don't like being alone or less social.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?
No

Has therapy helped? For other things in life and depression. Never shared this part to a therapist.
Has Telling others helped? Here yes but I feel I still can't share things.
Has medication helped? For depression yes and no.

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?
Smells, my own thoughts

 

[victor-victim]

ok, i'll give it a go...


[font:Arial Black]What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?[/font]
just say NO! walk away from all the temptations.
it didn't matter that i was on a one-way street, i could see the dead-end up ahead and i did a u-turn and fought the opposing flow of traffic all the way back. even as i found myself, from time to time, moving backward with the current of the crowd against my will, i never changed the direction i was facing. swimming upstream until i hit the source.

[font:Arial Black]What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?[/font]
supersensitive hypervigilance
acute anxiety
post traumatic stress
cynical mistrust


[font:Arial Black]Have you had any break throughs?[/font]
every day is a break through... baby steps.
pits, peaks and plateaus.

[font:Arial Black]Has there been set backs in your healing?[/font]
every day is a set back... i stall, but never stop!
i stand, stagger and stumble forward, until i stride with pride.
i stay strong and stubborn through the struggle, and call it stamina.
i have no cure, i just endure.

[font:Arial Black]How much has the abuse effected you?[/font]
i don't know where it ends and i begin.
it is part of me.
intrinsically.
it will never not be.
it exists like an entity
in my identity, history and memory.

[font:Arial Black]How are your relationships with others?[/font]
small handful of intimate friends, which took a lifetime to collect. a larger circle of mostly professional associates and coworkers. a damaged and dysfunctional fractured family dynamic.
i am working hard to nurture my unconditional love of humans, and learning to forgive them for their ignorance and violence.

[font:Arial Black]Do you consider yourself lonely?
Do you like being alone?[/font]
yes, i am lonely. i crave community, connection, conversation, the comfort of comradery and companionship.
however...
nothing settles and soothes the soul and spirit like silence and solitude.
i try to practice a peaceful and positive attitude.
of course, the best is voluntary solitary segregation,
but i also benefit from externally imposed isolation.
i seek the balance at the center of my core within.
finding and feeling the fulcrum takes focus and discipline.


[font:Arial Black]How have you learned to cope with triggers?[/font]
whenever i trigger...
in combat: during the heat of battle, i force myself to be honest about whether i am actually under attack or threat.
is there a clear and present danger, or is it some phantom my perception has fabricated or some shadow my imagination has exaggerated?
if there is insufficient risk to justify my survival instinct, i try to recognize and accept and admit that i need to cease fire! IMMEDIATELY! ASAP!
in the aftermath: damage-control and assessment, atonement and apologies.
critical debriefing and forensic self appraisal.
i spend lots of time and effort analyzing my actions and reactions, comparing them with the results and consequences.
then i work hard at reverse-engineering my trigger mechanisms so that i am not just resetting the switch, but actually reprogramming the response, in terms of content and form. over the years, i have greatly reduced the intensity and duration of these outbursts of rage, thus causing less and less damage. this is a deliberate and painful process, but is is possible, and it works. i have been very successful at healing wounds, desensitizing scar tissue, upgrading defense mechanisms, improving my shield skills and materials, as well as increasing my pain threshold.
it is my finger that pulls the trigger.
i make the conscious decision and rational choice to give that command to the hand.
somehow, slowly, i have gradually managed to widen the gap between stimulus and response, between ignition and explosion, incrementally prying the two events apart in time, increasing the delay, lengthening the fuse between the fire and the dynamite... until i find enough room to breathe and the space i need to contemplate before i act in haste and hate. sometimes, all it takes is two fingers and a little spit to snuff out a spark before it blooms into a blaze.

[font:Arial Black]Has therapy helped?[/font]
yes, but only to a certain point. not to mention... i have lived long enough to have tried many different styles and schools of therapeutic thought theories throughout the four decades since disclosure. it seems that facts are sometimes fiction, they can come and go like fashion. i look at psychology in terms of it's etymological roots...
PSYCHE=SOUL or SPIRIT
and LOGIA=WORDS or TALKING
so we are talking words about the soul or spirit.
it starts sounding more like a religion than a science.


[font:Arial Black]Has Telling others helped?[/font]
that has been the best for me.
i don't care who knows anymore.
no one could keep it confidential.
once it was out in the open, i was free.
i was glad to rid myself of the losers and posers.
after the herd had stampeded to the emergency exits,
when the dust settled and the smoke cleared,
only true and genuine humans remained...
a distilled and sincere subculture.

[font:Arial Black]Has medication helped?[/font]
never tried it.
some self medication with marijuana kept my mood mellow.
no booze. no pills. no powders.
those are my rules.
addicted to adrenaline, testosterone and caffeine.

[font:Arial Black]What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?[/font]
i get more memory triggers when i am dealing or coping with someone i love who has been sexually abused. i think i can save them from drowning, but usually it just drags me back under the surface. i need to learn how to swim like a champion before i can rescue a soul in distress.


[font:Arial Black]Is there anyone out there that is care free?[/font]
i practice being care free every day, but i have not mastered that skill yet. still practicing... but practice makes perfect.
i have to be extra careful that i don't get carried away with the care-free mantra. with enough desperation, i can quickly deteriorate, on a downward spiral of detachment, into a 'i don't give a damn' depression with an overriding and impending sense of doom and despair. in that direction lies only darkness.
other times... the care free mutates into callous carelessness, and i become an ignorant indifferent insensitive intolerant monster.
i suppose i will always care.
i am not vulcan.
i am not spock.
i am not robot.
i am not rock.
i am not zombie.
i am not stone.
i am my heart, mein herz,
mon cur, mi corazn.
i am not computer
nor cold calculator.
i am but human:
both lover and hater!



hope that answers your questions!

 

[traveler]

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

- While the abuse was going on, I turned inward and put on a mask of stoic normalcy so that no one would know what was happening and how I was feeling. I shut everyone out and did not trust anyone or have any friends. I lived a totally interior life. That is how I coped then.

When I realized that I had been abused, as an adult many years later, I made coping and recovery efforts the center and main focus of my life. For a couple of years, that was my main concern and an ever-present preoccupation. Part of it was therapy, part intensive reading on the topic, part writing/journaling to organized and express my thoughts and feelings and work through the effects and my reactions.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

- I still deal with self-esteem and confidence and trust issues. I still have difficulties and confusion in the areas of sexual identity and being comfortable with sex.

Have you had any break throughs?

- Many - while in therapy, breakthroughs were an almost weekly event. Some were while talking to my T is a formal session, others on my own as a result of reading, writing, dreams or other triggers.

Has there been set backs in your healing?

I dont think I would say set-backs as much as dead-ends or stalls or plateaus or pauses.

How much has the abuse effected you?

Totally - in nearly every aspect of life - self-concept, family/love/marriage relationships, goals, career, etc.

How are your relationships with others?

Few and distant for the most part. I dont make many friends - or make the few I have managed to acquire easily or quickly or deeply. Rocky marriage relationship for many years that has improved with my own individual and couples counselling.

Do you consider yourself lonely ?

- Yes - sometimes I long for someone I can talk to who understands and is physically present. Dialog on the MS forums helps immensely - but it is not the same as a tangible person that you can see and hear.

Do you like being alone?

- Much of the time, I do. I do not equate it with being lonely. I am an introvert and need alone time to recover and recharge from being around people.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

- the usual ones - breathing exercises, visualization, talking myself through it, practicing awareness of my surroundings, avoiding the most likely triggering situations, and so on. The best advice I have gotten and practiced is to use triggers as a tool to reveal the root causes and after-effects of the trauma. Once that has been done, the triggers lose their power and become unpleasant reminders but not as severely debilitating.

Has therapy helped?

- YES, an incredible amount.

Has Telling others helped?

- Yes - some times more than others. But the act of owning it has made me feel more in control and authentic and helped me to realize the progress I have made.

Has medication helped?

- I have never used any. My T did not think it would be beneficial to me.

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?

- I had a series of simultaneous crises that combined to break me down - loss of a job, cross-country move and unemployment, betrayal of a friend, loss of faith, family problems. I plunged into deep and dark depression and while my defenses were down, the memories I could no longer deny or repress came flooding back.

Is there anyone out there that is care free?

- I very rarely feel that way - for instance, the brief time periods after completing a major task - like the end of a school year or the end of a theatre production or the beginning of a vacation. But as a regular, day-to-day state of mind or emotions or temperament - no.

I think being care free is an ultimate goal of mine.
Which will be very hard to accomplish

- A great goal - but I think only people without responsibilities and with no problems can be truly carefree.

Lee

 

[dark empathy]

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?
Quite a few, especially around my genophobia and fear or being seen naked, everything from always locking doors to quitting swimming to never wearing short trousers again.
There were also more practical ones like going part time with my doctorate simply because I had so much trouble coping with the creativity, and of making sure wen I went to a public function such as a party I always had a get out if it was too much. I've even had points when I couldn't cope with people so much I stayed inside for days and couldn't even bare shopping.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?
It's difficult to say given recent changes in my life, ie, my lady. Up until more recently though I'd have said it was a combination of things, loneliness, worthlessness, fear of crowds, hating being alone but unable to be any other way, not to mention all that apathy and depression and resentment, there isn't really a "one big thing" it's more like one big cocktale of nasty.

Have you had any break throughs?
Yes. Aside from my recent good luck, one major break through for me was realizing that I didn't have! to pay attention to my opinion of myself, that "the voice of shadow" wasn't necessarily telling me the truth. I also really appreciated being able in a councilling session to say just how much I hated! compliments, sinse I'd recieved complements all my life and still! felt worthless and alone.

Has there been set backs in your healing?
Yes, for a long while I felt like I was going in circles, I also often felt a uge sense of feeling stuck and feeling frustrated. I'd think I was okay and get triggered, or fall foul to resentment. it's definitely not a streight road by any means.

How much has the abuse effected you?

More than I realized at first, but less than I feared after I realized. One thing I'm only recently learning thanks to my lady is that no, I am not sick.

How are your relationships with others?

With my parents (who weren't involved in the abuse), occasionally somewhat strained mostly due to their attempts to help and the fact that there is no quick fix for sa. With my friends, pleasant, even with those who know, but definitely distant particularly because I have felt so very, very alone. With strangers often difficult because I can't muster the energy to make yet more emotional investments and be disappointed, ---- at least up until recently!

Do you consider yourself lonely

Not thanks to my lady, but before? god yes! albeit I didn't like to realize that, and there didn't seem to be an answer.

Do you like being alone?

Yes, even now sometimes, however isolation is addictive, and it is possible to overdose, and the boarder between solitude and loneliness can sometimes be very narrow.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

Trial, error and practice.

Has therapy helped?

The good councilling I had from the guy who knew what he was doing? yes. The bad therapy I had from the idiots? no, almost the converse.

Has Telling others helped?

Mostly yes, and especially with my lady.

Has medication helped?

At the point I took antidepressants, they did make things easier and stop reactions being quite so extreme, perhaps three days of utter apathy rather than a week. I found I didn't need them after a while however.

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?

Realizing I was in love in 2007, trying to take a girl's hand and then her replying that she was flattered! ironically, it was trying to get past my genophobia and find someone that made me realize I was not! okay. I however always remembered, I just never understood the impatct until then.

Hth.

Luke.

 

[Rich1967]

[What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope? ]

I self isolated and kept men particularly at arms length.


[What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?]

The wound that my real father passed on to me of feeling worthless and unlovable. The sexual abuse just made it all that much harder to do the things I needed to heal from my deepest wound of all.


[Have you had any break throughs?]

All the time. See my posts in the progress forum. The biggest one is just realizing that men are important in each others lives and I need them and NOT in a sexual way. I need them in loving and supportive ways.


[Has there been set backs in your healing?]

Yes, every time I am triggered it feels like a set back and I have been triggered a lot recently as I try to work on my father wounds in my mens group (swet.org). The recent realization I had about a college "friend" that was really an abusive relationship was some of the most painful times I've had so far. I was scared... :.(


[How much has the abuse effected you?]

The passive abuse from my dad and the sexual abuse from my stepfather as well as all the bullying in school... What hasn't it effected... IDK


[How are your relationships with others?]

Men are still triggering. Women I have always been able to get along with and talk to. I have wonderful relationships with both sexes now though and the ones with men are getting better.


[Do you consider yourself lonely]

Not anymore. I used to be around a lot of people and felt lonely. Now I am around even more people and I feel so connected with now in ways I didn't think I would ever be able to have.


[Do you like being alone?]

Sometimes. Used to want to be alone all of the time. Unfortunately, I fear feeling alone.


[How have you learned to cope with triggers?]

I don't avoid them. If anything I run toward them. If something triggers me then it's something that I need to work on. I find that meditation helps. Being triggered for me takes me to a place and time in the past. Meditation brings me back to the present. I also just ask my friends for help and that sometimes works too.


[Has therapy helped?]

Immensely. Wouldn't be where I am today without it. EMDR treatments are helping now too.


[Has Telling others helped?]

It has helped as much if not more than my counseling. One of the most liberating/healing things I do is share my story.


[Has medication helped?]

Never had to take any.


[What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?]

I was thirteen for the first sexual abuse so that's hard to forget. The college abuse was so subtle that I didn't realize till about a month ago that it was sexual abuse. When I mentioned a story to my counselor and he cringed I knew then it was abuse.


[Is there anyone out there that is care free?]

Hmmm... Don't know if that's possible. I love my friends too much to be care free. I don't worry as much as I used too...unless I'm triggered and then that's all I do


Great questions. Thanks for asking.

 

[Elad1]

Thank you for asking

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

I triangulate the best I can exercise, eating on schedule, and getting at least 8 hours of sleep every night. I do this for self compassion and to be good to the boy inside.

What is the biggest thing I still struggle with?

Coping is my biggest struggle after realizing that self denial, shame, anger, resentment, sadness and depression spawned life, this complete package of displaced emotions, thanks to my CSA, physical and emotional abuse.

Have you had any break throughs?

Yes, finally after decades of asking why, why, why do I feel this way from all of the above.

Has there been set backs in your healing?

The learning process is easy...it is implementing what I am learning that is most difficult.

How much has the abuse effected you?

This is the one question that makes me feel angry and feel sad at the same time.

How are your relationships with others?

I am always in conflict with others. Some know me too well and I feel for them and some don't know me well to know. It takes work on my part to not default to destructive behavioral responses.

Do you consider yourself lonely
Do you like being alone?

Yes, I consider myself lonely and its hard for me to make friends. I like being alone although I live with somebody who I love. I am an introvert, solitude to recharge is a must.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

Just to recognize a trigger is a breakthrough for me. I am learning to ground myself and face what the trigger is by planting my feet on the ground and feeling my emotions and letting my emotions flow. Self awareness has played an important part in how I respond/react in a healthy manner to triggers.

Has therapy helped?

Yes EMDR and dream analysis.

Has Telling others helped?

Yes. I am careful what I say, CSA is too much for many so I tread lightly and encourage through my action that this sadness of burden is something I would not want my few friends to help carry. When they are not responding to what I say I stop, and let it go. I am grateful to other survivors who demonstrate courage to help me cope.

Has medication helped?

Yes, When I really needed them. Currently I am not taking any medication. Despite my depression, I prefer to understand it and live my emotions.

What triggered memories of abuse or when you realized you had been?

I was assaulted last Summer by a man in a position of authority (that explains a few things for me). That was my trigger, I dissociated and couldn't understand beyond the extent of reason. I am new here. What brought me to MS forum was the result of revelations working with my therapist after this assault.

Is there anyone out there that is care free?

If there is, I would like to know this person. For me, I care too much...maybe I shouldn't but I am human. Being in a place of acceptance is truly best for me.

 

[Rich1967]

Someone asked me to expand on my answer to coping with triggers and I thought I should share my response. My original answer:

[I don't avoid them. If anything I run toward them. If something triggers me then it's something that I need to work on. I find that meditation helps. Being triggered for me takes me to a place and time in the past. Meditation brings me back to the present. I also just ask my friends for help and that sometimes works too.]

My expanded answer:
Sure, thanks for asking. I always admire when people can ask for help. I struggle with it. I'm in a mens group and I hope and pray they will do things to help me but it is so hard for me to ask them for things like other men do in the group. I'm learning though and got real close last night.

From my abuse men scare me. I avoided all emotionally close contact and even physical contact with them for over 2 decades. Notice how I refer to men as "them". At some point I stopped identifying as a man because it was too painful and I didn't even know what that meant to be a man. Men can trigger me emotionally and physically on a sexual level. Emotionally it can take me back to when I was a boy and bullied in school. On a physical level my body produces copious amounts of pre-ejaculate when I feel particularly close to one of my guy friends. The first times I ever felt close or accepted by a man was when I was being sexually abused so I can get triggered back to that state.

The "run to them"... I work hard to have very close male friends. Started here at MS an even with all of the remoteness in this environment it was pretty intense still. Will never forget my first post... that was so scary. I have very close male friends in my life now on a physical level. The first ones were MS made friends that I visited and now have some in my local community. I also joined a mens group and do a lot of deep sharing and process work there. Everything I said above I have said at this mens group to men that have never experienced sexual abuse and they still get it and accept me.

I also explore what's going on when I am triggered at my T sessions and as I have gained a better understanding of it I have been able to become less afraid of being triggered. EMDR is part of my therapy and that is also helping. Getting in touch with who and where I go to when triggered (inner kids) has been the biggest key to success for me. When I connect and talk to my inner kids I can often keep them from wanting to take over and protect me (keep from being triggered in the first place) or I can bring myself back from being triggered. Hence I am less afraid of being triggered now. Terrence Real in his book "I Don't Want to Talk About It" calls this process learning how to re-parent your inner kids. Great book BTW.

 

[JW1230]

Thanks Rich! Your willingness to share on such a deep, personal level has helped me so much and I really appreciate it!

 

[Tryingtolive]

Thank you for every one who responded

 

[atari_kid86]

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

While this is a work in progress, I do my best to eat regularly, have some form of daily exercise, and sleep enough. These basic things affect my disposition greatly.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

Anxiety.

Have you had any break throughs?

At WoR a few years ago, I had what I would consider my first major break through. The entire experience left me feeling more empowered than ever.

Has there been set backs in your healing?

Yes. But progress, not perfection is the goal.

How much has the abuse effected you?

Its not something I let define me, but in many ways it has. The list of effects is a mile long.

How are your relationships with others?

Good, though I let few people in that close.

Do you consider yourself lonely

No.

Do you like being alone?

In moderation. Too much alone time is a recipe for disaster.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

I learned through therapy how to identify triggers or triggering situations. They're much easier to avoid. If unavoidable, at least I can prepare myself.

Has therapy helped?

Yes.

Has Telling others helped?

Yes, but only people close enough to me or those who's job it was to protect me.

Has medication helped?

Self medicating never helped. Never was on any prescriptions.

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?

After my divorce 8 years ago, I really began to see the extent of the damage.

Is there anyone out there that is care free?

Nope.

 

[KL]

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

For the longest time I didn't realize I was coping. In my late teens I started using drugs, was propositioned by an older man, which led to another abusive and controlling relationship that went on for years. It felt familiar and reminded me of what I thought love was. When I would tell my new abuser about my past I used to joke or make light of it, and he wanted to hear all about it...sadly, it excited him. Later, once I found the strength to leave that nightmare, I busied myself with work and became obsessed, and while I largely abstained from drugs, I used alcohol to induce sleep every night. Currently, I'm making waves against alcohol and have been using a sleep aid instead. I also write, make videos, travel ( or runaway as my friends say ), all to cope.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

Letting go. Alcohol. Trusting people. Being intimate after sex. Isolation. Forgiving my abuser. Anger. Hate. Obsession.

Have you had any break throughs?

Many. Started writing about my experience 4-5 months ago, up until then I had just been running. In therapy. Logically, I realize my shortfalls, but overcoming them is the next step.

Has there been set backs in your healing?

Oh God, yeah.

How much has the abuse effected you?

It's who I am. I am who I was taught and molded to be. I would not be this version of me without it. I'm like computer software - Windows 10 or IOS 9 point whatever.

How are your relationships with others?

Working on it. Learning ( or trying ) to trust. Also, fighting the urge to be abused. I know that sounds crazy, but I struggle with it. I sometimes want to be hurt, because it's familiar...I don't know. I know what genuine love should be...but again...getting to that point.

Do you consider yourself lonely?

Sometimes, often not.

Do you like being alone?

Yes. But I feel most alone in others inability to relate to me, which is when I sometimes feel my most lonely.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

Facing them. Or just ignoring them. That's contradictory I know, I just deal with them. The flashbacks happen all the time, and I don't have to be doing anything that triggers them per se, sometimes I get a flash when washing my hair in the shower, being close to someone physically they just surface, sometimes with no rhyme or reason.

Has therapy helped?

At first I would have said NO. It was painful telling my story to a stranger who wasn't a friend. And the constant talking sometimes is painful as well, some weeks I don't want to talk about it at all, but overall YES it has helped very much.

Has Telling others helped?

Yes and No. Some don't want me to talk, I feel sometimes they would rather not have to deal with the ugliness of it all and would prefer for me to just go away, other times yes it does much in comparison to talking about it in therapy.

Has medication helped?

The medication my psychiatrist prescribed for sleep has been wonderful, instant shut off from the world, which is much needed when the sun goes down and the hour is late.

What triggered memories of abuse or when you realized you had been?

I've always known I was abused, at one time I didn't label it that way, but I've always known. Mostly because when I was younger I wanted to understand it, and to understand anything, one has to study, examine, perceive, grasp, familiarize and comprehend. And to do that meant I had to replay all of it, every time it occurred, over and over.

Is there anyone out there that is care free?

I don't know. Me? Absolutely not.

 

[kylew]

I'll give it a go. Why not?

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

Hmmm, who said I was coping? I'm doing my best to live in each moment, not retreat into fantasyland any time I'm stressed or anxious. I had to walk away from some online activities that continued to assist me in my isolation.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

Facing the reality that I was abused, and not making excuses for my abuser. Dealing with shame over the fact that I enjoyed the attention and the sense of belonging and acceptance at the time it happened.


Have you had any break throughs?

Lots of little ones so far, gaining understanding from my t sessions and the forums here. I guess it just makes me feel a little more empowered to be able to name some things that were too ambiguous for me to define for myself. Seeing someone else put those ideas into words in a way I can wrap my head around it helps.

Has there been set backs in your healing?

Still pretty new to the process. So far none.

How much has the abuse effected you?

I'm still discovering ways that I've been affected both directly and indirectly.

How are your relationships with others?

Mostly superficial. Even the ones I thought were deeper, turns out I only thought they were deep because I had nothing deeper to compare it too. Even the kiddie pool feels like an ocean when you can't swim and your abuser or protectors keep deflating your floaties.

Do you consider yourself lonely

Yes....even in a room full of people.

Do you like being alone?

Not all the time. When I need to re-charge I like it. I do prefer the company of animals though. They don't judge me.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

I don't know if I have coped. I've been experiencing them for decades but not knowing what they were. So I would just put up with the anxious feelings, or stuff the negative emotions when they would surface. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Doing my best to pay attention to body cues to know when I"m being triggered and try to identify the source. Not always easy.

Has therapy helped?

Yes. I find myself telling my t things and being shocked that I said them. I always feel 100 pounds lighter after my t sessions....although I gain some of it back right away. Kinda like every diet I've ever tried.

Has Telling others helped?

Yes, kinda. Although I've not shared the details with anyone. Not even my therapist yet. Some moments I dread it....fearing judgement. Those I've told without the details have been much more understanding than I would have ever imagined.

Has medication helped?

Haven't needed it...hope I never do.

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?

CSA seems pretty firm in my memory....after all, I've been trying to re-create it for 40 years, so it's pretty well rehearsed. I have been recovering other memories that are bothersome, emotionally abusive, or highly shaming. The triggers for those have been varied.

 

[oic]

(Linear)

 

[LinEar]

I hear you, oic. I've been wanting to answer these questions but have been avoiding them as well. Time to give it a go.

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

Too many to count. Leaving a great career and moving back home. Isolating both intentionally and unintentionally. Paying more attention to what my body is telling me. Sleeping more, unrefreshing as it is. Working a repetitive, boring part-time job instead of what I want to be doing. Figuring out who "real" friends are, who I can talk to (not even about the abuse in all cases, by far) -- recognizing and ending unhealthy relationships.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

Psychosomatic symptoms -- body pain, fatigue, concentration difficulties, and their social impacts.

Have you had any break throughs?

Everything can't be attributed to abusive incidents, but looking back and seeing how it influenced (and continues to influence, albeit usually more consciously) my thoughts, decisions, and actions have been pretty big breakthroughs. A few disclosures have been a huge weight off; the others were ambivalent feeling at best.

Has there been set backs in your healing?

Definitely. Seems like 2 steps forward and 1 back, or 1 forward and 2 back. Not linear at all.

How much has the abuse effected you?

Life-changing; mostly negative, some positive I guess. Trying to look at the positive side (more in touch with my body/emotions, although what I'm starting to feel in that area I get the feeling is how "normal" people feel and take for granted).

How are your relationships with others?

Hard to categorize them together. Some are better, some are worse. Overall, vs. "no abuse", I'm sure that the majority of them are worse off. But it's brought me closer to a few people.

Do you consider yourself lonely?

Sometimes, especially when I push people away, or feel left out.

Do you like being alone?

Yes and no. I like being able to control how stimulated I am, but I get lonely at times.

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

Working on this. EMDR seems to be a good pathway, although I've only done 3 sessions so far and have just started. Otherwise, mostly avoidance and running..not healthy.

Has therapy helped?

Yes. My first T, who I got frustrated with after about a year and a half, was the first person I disclosed to (after a horrible internal battle) and she was skilled at listening. However our sessions became too repetitive and seemed to plateau, so I took some time off and found a new T about 6 months later. The new one is a good listener but is more 'treatment'-focused... so we're getting into EMDR lately.

Has Telling others helped?

Mostly yes. I've told and then instantly regretted, even with a positive response, that immediate feeling of "I've said too much and I can't take it back now." Only really one negative experience with disclosing so far and it was more of a lack of empathy, "is that it??" kind of thing. Avoiding disclosure with a few others who are close to me, afraid of their response right now.

Has medication helped?

I've been prescribed Inderal and Klonopin for years before I remembered the abuse, due to the somatic/anxiety issues. I think they help although the goal is to get off them both.

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?

One of my friends ended up in a psych ward and I went to visit her. We talked at length (nothing abuse-related, though) and I held her for a long time as she cried. The emotional connection triggered something in me. On the way home I started having flashbacks as I was driving, and I knew.

Is there anyone out there that is care free?

Other survivors? Maybe, I don't know.

 

[Blue__Bird]

I've been avoiding this post like the plague, too but oic has made me think we should try...

What life style changes did you have to make in order for you to cope?

None, actually. I was at boarding school and had to cope like nothing had happened. Was just assigned a different room and it was never talked about.

What's the biggest thing you still struggle with?

Severe trust issues. I push people away all the time and I'm considered extremely arrogant at work. I don't smile. And don't think I'm worth saying no if ever asked. Maybe eating disorders, too.

Have you had any break throughs?

No promiscuity or suicidal thoughts anymore. I'm trying to build bridges to let people in recently, which is very new and a small success I guess.

Has there been set backs in your healing?

I don't think I need healing, I mean I'm not sick? Do you mean forgetting about what happened? Is that even possible? I think it's an unfortunate event that happened and stays with you, like the death of a relative or being in a car wreck. You may learn from the experience, I guess.

How much has the abuse effected you?

Mostly, I think it opened my eyes about my parents and how unsupportive they were. I learned I could not trust authorities, as they don't do as they say. They're not there to protect you, but themselves. I started being less naive, more on guard, and nothing trespasses the walls I build around myself. Better be hurtful than hurt.

How are your relationships with others?

Someone said they were "emotionally unavailable" and I think that describes me perfectly. I don't keep relationships with other people, have no friends, don't talk to my family unless strictly necessary. People perceive me as cold and arrogant. I recently discovered some co-workers are even afraid of me.

Do you consider yourself lonely
Do you like being alone?

I enjoy being on my own. I find peace being by myself, yes I think I consider myself lonely but it's not something I dislike. I have very little patience...

How have you learned to cope with triggers?

Exercise and essential oils help a great deal.

Has therapy helped?

Never been to therapy. When it first happened, the school did nothing. And later, I don't think telling a stranger what happened 10 years ago will help me in any remote way. That also implies I'm willing to do what therapists say... What's the point?

Has Telling others helped?

No. I told a teacher and he did nothing but alert the school to get an agreement with my family not to get sued or involved in a public scandal. I told my ex girlfriend and it ruined our relationship as I lost any sense of normalcy I had achieved with her. I've mentioned it to a couple of friends online and they've been supportive, so I guess that's the only positive side to it.

Has medication helped?

Never had any. Essential oils help.

What triggered memorys of abuse or when you realized you had been?

Certain piece of music I listened to very much during those days. Many people laughing hard. Visits to the dentist or Dr.

(Only answer questions you want to)

Is there anyone out there that is care free?

I am very good at projecting that image.