Questions And ideas from a survivor
Tryingtolive
Registrant
Abuse that happens in the family stays in family?
No one else can know except family.
Obviously it shouldn't be but that's how it is for me.
I understand the consequences of speaking out and the fact it can be more harmful than good.
From my experience I know deeply that what had happened impacted me a lot.
Mental issues and just how I see the world.
I think the hardest part about being a survivor is being able to express.
How we talk about "it".
Not being accepted.
I always feel pushed aside.
The littlest things or small gestures that people make that maybe they don't like me I always can single it out and pick up on it.
Loneliness is a better way to explain it.
How is it possible to accept what was done when others won't?
Society and even the people that looked over us as kids don't accept or want to believe.
Making things even worse.
All I have is my truth.
But I feel like I lie to myself.
Telling myself lies.
To cover up my own truth.
My story so to speak.
It's always in the back of my mind.
I'm tired of the same old things.
But so scared of change.
Comfortable in my own sufferings.
Covering up.
Therapy for me was a hit and a miss for me.
What I mean by that is therapy was the only thing I focused on.
And for awhile it was a good thing but all I had was that.
No outside relationship besides here I could really open up to.
I began to see that therapy was just another place I'd have to hide myself to.
So many parts of myself chained down.
From the family and even in therapy.
The identity issues I have with myself.
Can't identify with anything if I can't tell my story.
The monster in the making.
Everything a secret.
No expression.
I will say this the anxiety attacks have lessened.
The ongoing crys I've had are gone.
For now at least.
Therapy was hell.
A confession.
But I wasn't cured or let go.
I was reminded of my sins after.
And still to this day I must learn to live with what had happened.
Not having a soul around to know the pain I was in and still am.
Bothers me.
I'm a person no one would expect it from.
A family that people couldn't imagine it too happen from.
Iam a person who suffered sexual abuse.
I've overcome so much personally.
Just sucks that's everything internal.
Something so long ago.
The roots of me.
Picked at tormented with.
And I can't go back and mess with my own seeding.
The anger.
The isolation.
The remarks I hear from others.
"He must be gay"
"What's wrong with you"
"What are you doing with your life"
"You don't have it bad"
"I wish I could walk in your shoes"
I ask myself am I gay
I ask myself what's wrong with me
I ask myself what am I doing with my life
I tell myself I don't have it bad
I want to be in someone else's shoes instead of my own.
Judgmental remarks all I hear.
But I never speak my own.
does anyone else understand me?
No one else can know except family.
Obviously it shouldn't be but that's how it is for me.
I understand the consequences of speaking out and the fact it can be more harmful than good.
From my experience I know deeply that what had happened impacted me a lot.
Mental issues and just how I see the world.
I think the hardest part about being a survivor is being able to express.
How we talk about "it".
Not being accepted.
I always feel pushed aside.
The littlest things or small gestures that people make that maybe they don't like me I always can single it out and pick up on it.
Loneliness is a better way to explain it.
How is it possible to accept what was done when others won't?
Society and even the people that looked over us as kids don't accept or want to believe.
Making things even worse.
All I have is my truth.
But I feel like I lie to myself.
Telling myself lies.
To cover up my own truth.
My story so to speak.
It's always in the back of my mind.
I'm tired of the same old things.
But so scared of change.
Comfortable in my own sufferings.
Covering up.
Therapy for me was a hit and a miss for me.
What I mean by that is therapy was the only thing I focused on.
And for awhile it was a good thing but all I had was that.
No outside relationship besides here I could really open up to.
I began to see that therapy was just another place I'd have to hide myself to.
So many parts of myself chained down.
From the family and even in therapy.
The identity issues I have with myself.
Can't identify with anything if I can't tell my story.
The monster in the making.
Everything a secret.
No expression.
I will say this the anxiety attacks have lessened.
The ongoing crys I've had are gone.
For now at least.
Therapy was hell.
A confession.
But I wasn't cured or let go.
I was reminded of my sins after.
And still to this day I must learn to live with what had happened.
Not having a soul around to know the pain I was in and still am.
Bothers me.
I'm a person no one would expect it from.
A family that people couldn't imagine it too happen from.
Iam a person who suffered sexual abuse.
I've overcome so much personally.
Just sucks that's everything internal.
Something so long ago.
The roots of me.
Picked at tormented with.
And I can't go back and mess with my own seeding.
The anger.
The isolation.
The remarks I hear from others.
"He must be gay"
"What's wrong with you"
"What are you doing with your life"
"You don't have it bad"
"I wish I could walk in your shoes"
I ask myself am I gay
I ask myself what's wrong with me
I ask myself what am I doing with my life
I tell myself I don't have it bad
I want to be in someone else's shoes instead of my own.
Judgmental remarks all I hear.
But I never speak my own.
does anyone else understand me?
