Questions about everyone's abuse(trigger warning )

[Tryingtolive]

Did you see it as a normal thing when it would happen?
My answer: I knew it was something dirty just had a a lot of mixed emotions when it would happen.
Did you see it as abusive?
My answer: I got pleasure from it so no way was it abusive at the time.
I'm realizing now I was just being used for someone else's pleasure not my own.
Did you feel taken advantage of?
My answer: At the time no. But Iam now aware that I was groomed or it was a process.

Was there violence involved with your abuse?
I was never threatened. Or felt threatened.
Has it confused you with your sexual identity?
Yes
Did you trust this person who did this to you?
Yes
Do you feel sick by the actions that took place?
I feel more aware and know that it was wrong. I don't know if the shame feeling will ever leave me.
Do you see sex as a bad thing or what are your views on it?
I see it as a chore more than anything.
I usually feel shame afterwards.


When the abuse would happen it seemed like a rush for me.. Adrenaline would rush through me. I knew I couldn't get caught and it was my secret to keep. I felt dirty sometimes but the rush felt great. I think I still try to have that control in my daily life now. Always looking for that feeling when I was kid.

Optional questions
How much has the abuse effected you?
Has it caused mental health problems?
How are your relationships with other people?
Is it hard remembering parts of your childhood?
Do you have trouble concentrating?
Do you have certain triggers that take you back?
How much do you relate your abuse towards your life is it something you keep hidden, burried, don't care, open about it, only some know?
Do you ever act out your abuse?
Fantasies of it?
Do you feel in control with your life?

One final question
If the abuse never happened would you still question some of the things you do.
My answer: I have no idea. I'm trying to figure out that

 

[traveler]

Good questions, Trying!

Did you see it as a normal thing when it would happen?

At first, I did. I was 5 when mom married the step-dad and had not had a father that I could remember or use as a standard of what was normal. When I got older - maybe 9-10, I started comparing my life with what was on TV and friends families and realized my experience was NOT normal. And when the bullying and abuse happened in 5th -7th grades, I know it was not normal because I was the only one they were treating that way.

Did you see it as abusive?

I dont think I ever applied the word abuse to my memories until I was in my 30s. When I was a kid, I had no concept of what abuse meant - not physical, verbal, or sexual. I just thought people were being mean. As an adult, part of it was denial - just not wanting to admit that I was a victim and that terrible things had been done to me.

Did you feel taken advantage of?

yes. Definitely. Targeted and singled out by both step-dad and bullies. other siblings and classmates were treated better.

Was there violence involved with your abuse?

There was violence in the step-dads treatment of me - but it was usually separate events from the CSA. Whippings and beatings did not happen at the same time as exposure or molestation or penetration with objects. The bullies did not need to use violence and were able to force me by sheer intimidation and numbers.

Has it confused you with your sexual identity?

Yes for a long time I tried to be non-sexual. Then I tried to be hetero but had difficulty in dealing with sex at all. Then there was a period of doubt about my orientation - fueled by memories of the names and accusations of the abusers. Now I am back to straight with some SSA issues.

Did you trust this person who did this to you?

I trusted the step-dad to be a father-figure, role model, and protector. He failed on all counts.

Do you feel sick by the actions that took place?

Yes - I was especially sickened when I realized that such treatment from a surrogate parent is considered incest, even though there is no blood relationship.

Do you see sex as a bad thing or what are your views on it?

I used to see it as bad because my only experience of it was unpleasant. When I got married, it tried to see it and experience it as good and normal and healthy - with only partial success. When I felt pleasure, I also felt guilt. It has been difficult all my life, but getting better in the past few years.

How much has the abuse effected you?

Immensely - in nearly every area of my life.

Has it caused mental health problems?

Yes - especially several periods of severe depression, several suicidal periods and other symptoms of conditions similar to PTSD and anxiety attacks.

How are your relationships with other people?

Very guarded - little trust, few friends, distance even in family relationships

Is it hard remembering parts of your childhood?

Yes - parts of my childhood memories have totally disappeared. Other parts were missing until they began to return - with devastating results. And some parts are hard because I DO remember and it is difficult to deal with.

Do you have trouble concentrating?

Sometimes - when I am being troubled by memories. Other times I am able to remove myself from the circumstances of life and lose myself in a book or movie or music or project or art or writing or work. Then I can concentrate on the object or goal in my mind and shut out everything else. That is how I survived as a kid.

Do you have certain triggers that take you back?

Yes - but they are not as strong as they used to be. Or I should say the results of the triggers are not as severe. I have learned to cope with them. Certain sensory stimuli can take me back but most of the time I can handle it now.

How much do you relate your abuse towards your life is it something you keep hidden, burried, don't care, open about it, only some know?

I have told everything here on MS. I have told two therapists everything. I have told my wife and younger brother nearly everything - at least in outline or summary form - without all the graphic details. I have told much of it to a few very select friends and in a support group.

Do you ever act out your abuse?
I have not done so with actual live people. But I have relived it through viewing online photos and videos that resemble my experiences.

Fantasies of it?

Yes - which is very troubling and makes me feel weird and guilty.

Do you feel in control with your life?

Sometimes yes - having made independent decisions to go places and do things that demonstrate and represent autonomy and freedom for me. other times, not so much - when authority figures place restrictions or impose expectations that I do not like or agree with. Also disturbing to me is when circumstances seem to conspire against me to thwart my plans or prevent success.

One final question
If the abuse never happened would you still question some of the things you do.

Probably - but I would guess it would not be as often or as deeply. I seem to observe that people with less trauma in their lives dont seem to have as much self-doubt or question things as much. But it is impossible to know how I would be if it hadnt happened to me.

Lee

 

[dark empathy]

Did you see it as a normal thing when it would happen?

Answer:
I assumed everyone had the same thing happen to them at school, that my brother and every teenager had the same experiences, yes, it seems ridiculous to me now that I could think public gang rape was normal, but this shows how much of a mess I was in.

Did you see it as abusive?

My Answer: No. Unpleasant yes, but something that I shouldn't be bothered about. It took me years to even stand the sound of the word "bullying" let alone abuse, and when someone used the term raped I was actively shocked.

Did you feel taken advantage of?

My answer: No I didn't. It was so casual, so much part of the environment and what happened at school that I never questioned others right to do it and knew I just had to be silent and put up with it.

Was there violence involved with your abuse?

Yes, both from the girls involved in the abuse and from boys who were around at the time, but lots was casual, ie, I'd be walking down a corridor at school and just get punched in the head. During the abuse there was a lot of small scale violence, slaps, pinches, blows, but it was more the humiliation and insults and laughter that hurt not to mention the spittle.

Has it confused you with your sexual identity?

My answer: nope, I've always been attracted to women, though I often wished I could be by just because it seemed the hole relationship thing wasn't working and men were less triggering physically, still I knew I wasn't gay and that was unfortunately that.

Did you trust this person who did this to you?

No, they were classmates and people at school, but I didn't get a choice it just happened.

Do you feel sick by the actions that took place?

My answer: physically ill, no. Disgusted, yes, although that is fading as I've done more recovery.

Do you see sex as a bad thing or what are your views on it?

My answer: At the time it felt like I was passive, my body beatrayed me and reacted no matter where my mind was, sometimes I felt like a passenger in an out of control car. I've been genophobic for years. Afraid of my own reactions, and even more afraid of hurting someone else, tense and nurvous at adult humour or crude depictions in the media. The only cure for this has been finding with my lady a way that love making (still don't like the s word), can be a beautiful thing and an expression of love.

How much has the abuse effected you?

A lot, especially in terms of relationships and loneliness and self esteme problems, but these are affects I can deal with.

Has it caused mental health problems?

Yes, depression and apathy particularly.

How are your relationships with other people?

That's a hole other subject, but suffice it to say I always feel anyone who is my friend is doing so just because they! are a nice person, and relationships with women as anything more than friends have been impossible up until a recent miracle. That however again is something I suspect will change.

Is it hard remembering parts of your childhood?

Yes, I don't like to think about what happened to me at school or anything connected with the abuse, or still worse my parents who didn't get why I was missing school. however, those feelings are fading as I become easier with the story and above all, with my lady who loves me in spite of all my baggage.

Do you have trouble concentrating?

Yes I have done on occasion, due to aforesaid apathy. However I can say that fades as things get sorted out and I feel better about myself, indeed my energy is now back which is great!

Do you have certain triggers that take you back?

Ouch yes. Nineties girl pop, the smell of cigarette smoke (especially when combined with cheap women's perfume), certain local accents and harsh voices, any possibility of being seen undressed in public.

How much do you relate your abuse towards your life is it something you keep
hidden, burried, don't care, open about it, only some know?

I used to keep it hidden or at least pretend it didn't affect me. Now I realize that it will affect me and is mine to deal with. I'd admit to a close friend, and with my lady I'm almost relaxed about it, or at least I can admit that it happened and move on.

Do you ever act out your abuse?
Fantasies of it?

Hell no! Though I will admit to a fantasy of touching a fantasy off wanting to touch a woman intimately who was utterly still and passive just as I was during the abuse, though never to hurt or humiliate. that however has gone away now that I've found someone and these days the thought of being with a passive, unresponsive partner I find actively disgusts me.

Do you feel in control with your life?

As a disabled person it's always been a battle, but I do now feel in a position where I at least can! have some choice about what happened, up until I met my lady i thought I'd be stuck and alone for the next fourty years and this frustrated the hell out of me.

If the abuse never happened would you still question some of the things you do.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living.
To question yourself, attempt to understand yourself and the world around you and think about what you do is a very important part of being human, abuse or not.

I will say though, I suspect most abusers do not! question themselves (I know mine never did), perhaps if more abusers questioned themselves and considered the reality of what they were doing, there would be much less abuse in the world.

Hth.

Luke.

 

[manipulated]

********TRIGGER WARNING****************
Did you see it as a normal thing when it would happen?
My answer: Using library books on puberty, "accidentally" leaving a Hustler just below the book and encouraging two or more at a time to do "special educational events" or deep planning for our scout troop with him the assistant scoutmaster made it seem both normal and comfortable.
Did you see it as abusive?
My answer: We were manipulated to believe it was further scouting education. Cleanliness and hygiene required his showering with us and inspecting us down there right? Washing each other's back and butt guaranteed we did not miss what we could not see didn't it?

Did you feel taken advantage of?
My answer: At the time: I felt I "owed him" for all the time he was taking away from his job, the church, marital bed, wife and young adult son to teach us, to be with us on campouts, for all the effort he put in to teach us right that our parents didn't or wouldn't. Besides he was busy as an adult, as an elder in the church, as a leader in our rural community it was a process furthering his manipulation to make us feel guilty and beholden to him. NOW: I see how manipulated, victimized raped and abandoned when I developed beyond his "type" we were. (Yes he eventually involved the whole troop...maybe always had...

Was there violence involved with your abuse?
Never. Instead it was duty, obligation, owing something back for such a great education, for being taught to do adult things with an adult body
Has it confused you with your sexual identity?
In MANY MANY ways. But I was happily monogamously married for 32 years and raised a wonderful son and daughter before I couldn't control the genie and let it out again. Convinced myself I was at least bi and started searching for an adult male to relive some of the 'training' with.
Did you trust this person who did this to you?
Implicitly. He was my Dad's boyhood friend, elder in our church and my scoutmaster.
Do you feel sick by the actions that took place?
Stomach issues without cause after full investigation; Heart incident though cholesterol was only 134; Two back surgeries; Super active startle reflex, Constant vigilance, Certain sleeping arrangements/positions or insomnia, high blood pressure, anxiety and panic attacks, and asthma onset at 57 with low testosterone all studies have shown have increased incidents among abuse victims...Yes and the sickness lingers.

Do you see sex as a bad thing or what are your views on it?
Sex was designed to be a perfect delightful fusion of human relationship. But I was trained to get it over with so others wouldn't know, the quickest was the winner, something to release for sleep. LIke me manipulated, used and pushed aside.I still crave that release. That momentary fleeting high.

Optional questions
How much has the abuse effected you?
How has it not. I functioned very highly by ignoring it and accepting it as normal though early advanced education and training on my body. Successful Grad School, Career, Marriage, Family. Til I ran into another scout I was "trained with" and earned my first aid merit badge naked with in the middle of a corn field so the Perp could make "sure the bandages were in exactly the proper locations." It overwhelmed my and uncorked the genie. Led to a fast slide into porn and a search for ss hook ups that was discovered by my wife destroying her, my kids, my life.

Has it caused mental health problems?
I have been in therapy for three years. Active prescriptions for anxiety and depression. Dx has varied by therapist. Only the last felt the abuse is the root of both the anxiety and depression.

How are your relationships with other people?
Guarded and reserved. No close friends Many acquaintances.

Is it hard remembering parts of your childhood?
I have very few memories before 10 when I was first invited to a swim night at the Ymca with the troop I could join in a month. Too many memories of what we did and what was done to me.

Do you have trouble concentrating? No.

Do you have certain triggers that take you back?
More that show up all the time. Sights, Smells, Tastes, Sounds, environments. Often triggers that have been part of my everyday life for 45+ years suddenly become a trigger. Often and repetitive trigger for a while.

How much do you relate your abuse towards your life is it something you keep hidden, burried, don't care, open about it, only some know?
It was something I hid and buried for 45+ years. Shared with no one. Now my wife and three therapists know all I can recall and wife and current therapist know more as the memory appears, 11 guys at Blue Ridge Weekend of Recovery 2015 and my kids know most but not all; My pastor and 5 members of my church family know I was abused, who the perp was and how I struggle today with what occurred so long ago. My mission and goal is to lessen its hold by breaking the silence he forced on me as an obligation.

Do you ever act out your abuse? I started to after 45+ years but my wife found out before I could hook up

Fantasies of it? Fueled heavily by my Uncontrolled search, use and abuse of porn deviant from my professed values and committed relationship

Do you feel in control with your life?
No I am still discovering new ways the Perp manipulated and still controls my reactions, feelings, sometimes even desires though he has been buried (with full military honors) since 2002.

One final question
If the abuse never happened would you still question some of the things you do.
My answer: Sorry this is like the "Does a falling tree make noise if no one is there" type question: WHY WASTE TIME PONDERING IT? No way to know. No way to prove. So why waste time on what if? I prefer working through what was to get to where I am present with what is. I choose not to waste further time on what if the dead pervert had not been in my life. A better question for me is WHERE WAS OMNISCIENT, OMNIPRESENT, LOVING, CARING GOD? Holding my head in position while I was taught to swallow?

 

[SilentNoLonger]

Did you see it as a normal thing when it would happen?

For me, yes. It seemed like a normal thing for the first little while. I had no idea what I was doing at the time and I guess I just assumed that it was what everyone else was doing.


Did you see it as abusive?

I don't think I saw it as abusive until I started seeking professional help a few years ago. I always blamed myself and kept searching for reasons why it happened and why I was involved or tried so hard to block out the memories and pretend that none of it happened, that it was a series of bad dreams.


Did you feel taken advantage of?

At first no. It wasn't until my voice was shut down and I was told what to do and how I should feel that I felt differently.


Was there violence involved with your abuse?

Sometimes. The most intense violence would be a few punches in the arm or leg, or being shoved or something like that. I also view the threats as part of the violence, there was definitely more of that than the physical violence.


Has it confused you with your sexual identity?

Definitely. I was told by my abuser that because I participated and went along with his abuse that I was gay and that no one would believe that I'm otherwise. I spent a lot of time questioning that because I was only attracted to girls/women and only had sexual reaction to them as well. But when that voice of my abuser in my head keeps saying over and over again "face it, you're gay. why else would you keep doing these things with me? you can't say you didn't enjoy this" and things of that nature, it's hard not to question my sexuality. I avoided relationships because I was afraid of her "finding out the truth" or somehow having the events of the abuse somehow slip out in conversation and be labeled and judged. Even to this day I feel like I'm still having to prove to myself, to the voice of my abuser in my head, that I'm not gay, and I believe that is partially why I consume so much porn.


Did you trust this person who did this to you?

Of course. We were friends before the abuse happened and it happened gradually over time and he started the abuse by gaining my trust and doing favours (or what I perceived as favours) for me or giving me gifts.


Do you feel sick by the actions that took place?

Yes. I have been physically ill in the past from the memories of some of the events. I often get light-headed when I think of what happened and my face either gets hot and red, or I get the shivers and get super cold and go white. It just feels like a bad dream thinking of it. It probably doesn't help that I spent about 15 years trying to erase those memories and pushing them deep down in my head, hoping they would just disappear.



Do you see sex as a bad thing or what are your views on it?

I viewed sex as something I would never get to participate in. Sex scared me, made me feel insecure and not worthy of it. I felt as though the abuse had tainted me and that no one would want me. Even now I have trouble feeling totally secure during sex and have had moments where I either break down and start crying or just completely lose my erection, but with the desire to want to have sex still there. It just makes it feel like a self-defeating moment that I can't fight off, and so far I don't think partners have been very accomodating. That's usually around when the relationship falls apart, which doesn't help my over-thinking mind with thinking that it was because of me (or that problem) that the relationship failed. I still feel like there's still something I'm missing during sex, something that I haven't clued into but that I can't figure out what it could be. And it doesn't help when there's these expectations put on me on how I'm supposed to perform, or how and when I'm supposed to be in the mood. When my mind doesn't get in the way and I can be fully present, I enjoy sex a lot. I fantasize about it and would say I have a pretty high sex drive. But it's those times when my mind strays and gets in the way that makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself. I also have a hard time allowing myself to enjoy sex as much as I should too, or to be able to ask for something specific during sex (for example I'm still terrified to ask for oral sex, I just often feel like I don't deserve it or feel like I'm being selfish or being a pig or something like that)



How much has the abuse effected you?

Tons. I feel like the biggest thing for me is all of the fear thats built up over time because of it. This idea of judgement and fear of how people view me and having a false identity placed on me. All of my fears about sex come straight from the abuse as does my food addiction and constant need to use food as a coping mechanism. The anxiety and depression I'm suffering are directly tied to it too. And I have moments every day where I daydream of memories and experiences I could have had if it weren't for the abuse.


Has it caused mental health problems?

Yup. I have anxiety, depression and paranoia. I over-eat and use food as a coping mechanism, I guess you could say I'm addicted to food.

How are your relationships with other people?

Not great. I don't really have any friends and the few that I do have I seem to push away. It's always been hard for me to make and keep friends, just always seems like I'm the one who has to put in all of the effort to maintain contact. And I feel as though whenever I'm in need of help or a favour there's never anyone willing to offer it and be there for me. Romantic relationships are few and far between. It takes me a long time to work up to meeting women. And when I do, I often start doubting myself and lose confidence in myself. I'll often overthink everything I'm doing with her and end up sabotaging things, or at least thinking I am. I just feel like no one would really like me, the real me. I feel like I'm too basic and that there isn't that much interesting about me and that she'd just get bored with me quickly. I guess I do a lot of pre-judging or projecting judgements onto people so that if they do have those feelings and reject me I can at least be somewhat prepared for it.


Is it hard remembering parts of your childhood?

Oh for sure. It was a little easier before I came to the realization about the abuse, but now I only get little bits and pieces. The time period of when the abuse happened is mostly where the fragmented memories are, like I can't seem to even place the year or time of year when the abuse happened for the most part. And any events around any of the abuse are too foggy to remember.


Do you have trouble concentrating?

Yes. I usually have to re-read sentences or words to fully understand it, and sometimes I'll completely forget what I've just read moments after reading it. I find it hard to read books now, my concentration always seems to wander. It's hard for me to stay focused on a single task for long before my mind starts to wander too. It's like my body and mind want to be doing multiple things at once and just can't agree to do one thing and get to the others afterwards. I'm out of work right now, but when I was emplyoed I would have a lot of difficulty staying focused on the task at hand, with my eyes drifting over to the clock or looking around my workspace to having to constantly minimize and maximize windows to keep my focus.


Do you have certain triggers that take you back?

There's a particular smell that I can't stand and always triggers me. It's a somewhat common cologne smell, I don't know what its called and don't want to find out, but it makes me sick to my stomach and always brings back some kind of flashback. There's other smells that trigger too. There are certain songs I refuse to listen to because they trigger memories very easily. And movies and tv shows that have characters who exhibit similar traits as my abuser can cause triggers, though it doesn't always happen. News stories about abuse of children is a big trigger for me.


How much do you relate your abuse towards your life is it something you keep hidden, burried, don't care, open about it, only some know?


I keep it pretty hidden from most people. My parents and my counselor are really the only ones that know (an ex knows, but she's out of my life and I've ceased contact with her). I have this part of me that wants to tell people so that they would understand me better and maybe show some empathy. But the world doesn't usually work like that and I don't want to always feel like a victim.


Do you ever act out your abuse?

No.


Fantasies of it?

I used to have fantasies about it when I was a teenager, mostly during the early years of questioning my sexuality and having those fantasies furthur complicate the matter and drive me even crazier.


Do you feel in control with your life?

No. I still feel like I don't know what tomorrow will bring, like I'm still missing out on something and like I'm still doing something wrong. I feel like I should be ahead of where I'm at in life right now and that other people will think the same thing and judge me accordingly. I don't like that I can't find work and that I can't lose weight easily and that I can't control my emotions most of the time.


If the abuse never happened would you still question some of the things you do.


I don't know. I also don't know I fully understand the question, but I probably would still question some of the things I do, just not on the micro-management level I do now. I'd still probably wonder why I'm so shy and quiet, but it's hard to tell because I feel like so much of my current status has a lot to do with the abuse. I'm actually trying to write out what I've been calling "my alternate reality biography", a series of short stories of dreams I've had over the years in my attempt to overwrite the memories of my abuse. I've basically created very vivid and real-feeling "memories" that sum up who I feel like I could have been or wanted to be if the abuse never happend. It's been theraputic to write them out and just imagine what could have been, but also be able to be at peace with myself with regards to them too, if that makes sense. Maybe one day when I finish them I'll be ready to share them or something like that.

 

[BFree27]

Did you see it as a normal thing when it would happen?

For the first couple of years, yes. I had fleeting moments of doubt when people gave us funny looks. I'd ask if it was normal for us to be as pyysically close as we were and never got anything but "yes" or "they're just jealous". And because I was raised to trust him, I listened.

Did you see it as abusive?

I only knew there were times I wanted to push away and run. I was taught not to say no to him, not to push away. He needed this after all. Don't I love him enough to comply?

Did you feel taken advantage of?

At times. More like I was fulfilling an obligation to the family that SOMEONE in the house had to, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be my sisters.

Was there violence involved with your abuse?

Two weeks ago I would've shrugged and shied away from this question. Probably even answered "no". But yeah, I'd say having your collarbone snapped is pretty violent.

Has it confused you with your sexual identity?

... Yeah. I suppose it has. I ultimately identify as pansexual; however I feel I'm mostly gay at this point and I'm finally fine with that. I think because of how early my first experience was (4, possibly 5 years old), my alarm systems have been tainted a little. All through high school most guys I tried to get close to even as friends I would have nightmares of them raping me and I'd avoid them completely. If there wasn't a dream, then I'd consider dating them. I hope I've gotten better at recognizing real danger though.

Did you trust this person who did this to you?

Yes, very much so. He was my step dad, had been in my life since I was 2 years old.

Do you feel sick by the actions that took place?

Huh. Well about a year ago I felt ashamed, like I was the one at fault, but I barely remembered what actually happened so didn't really feel anything else. Now I feel nauseous when I think that a child went through all of that alone, but not ashamed.. so it's a work in progress?

Do you see sex as a bad thing or what are your views on it?

I feel a lot of things about sex. I love the act of it and feel like on my upswings I might even be slightly addicted to the feeling. I was "extremely sexual" in high school.. encouraged at every turn to have every experience I could as long as I reported back with every detail. I had threesomes and full sex parties on a regular basis where the main focus was me taking care of everyone else and not letting anyone touch me a single time because it felt wrong, other times when it was the opposite. All of these scenarios were set up/able to happen because my step dad wanted them to, needed to hear what I was doing and get off on it. Me, I wanted it because I think I just wanted someone's hands on me that weren't his; I wanted to be in control if only for a moment. It would always backfire though because he'd use the information against me later... Anyways. Now I feel strange. That's my best word for it. Having sex is still nice, but lately it's off. I need it almost, not because my body does but because I don't feel loved or important if someone isn't taking advantage of my body. I need to be seen as an object, I love being used. I wish I could go back to loving sex as being a connection, but I've realized that it's only been that way for maybe two people in my life. I don't know how to go back to something that was never actually true.

How much has the abuse effected you?

Too much.

Has it caused mental health problems?

Yeah. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, my therapist says it's complex PTSD (which I don't know if it's in the book or not.. I know they're trying at least). High anxiety, chronic depression, and when I had a neurologist he thought a good portion of my seizures are actually psychologically induced. Drug dependence, meaning I feel like I need something in my system at all times or I get too anxious or triggered easily. And an off-and-on eating disorder, binge and restrict. Much more restricting than binging.

How are your relationships with other people?

I have the people who know me and I'm comfortable with, maybe a group of 5 altogether. Then there're the people who assume they're in the above mentioned group that I keep an arm's length away, to avoid confrontation. Lastly, there's everyone else. Real Pierce can give two fucks about the outside world. However there's something in there that cares enough to do the work I do, so it's an interesting balance.

Is it hard remembering parts of your childhood?

Yeah. I remember what I've been told, and the bits and pieces of abuse. Other than that I don't have solid memories until about age 12, 13.

Do you have trouble concentrating?

Moving from task to task is difficult. I find that I'm too much in my own head to reset and focus on the things normal people deem important. I fade out of my body a lot whether I'm triggered or not, and most of the time I do wonder where I'm going when I'm gone.

Do you have certain triggers that take you back?

One song. Cigarette smell on people's clothes/BREATH. A certain blanket on my skin. Hallway light moving under a doorframe. Squeaking floor outside of the bedroom door. Shower curtain touching me. Moisture on my face. Toddlers. Working certain cases, if they're related to sexual abuse in any way but especially with the clients themselves. Other triggers come and go, but these stick around so far.

How much do you relate your abuse towards your life is it something you keep hidden, burried, don't care, open about it, only some know?

Only people who need to know do. No one but my therapist has asked for details so no one knows them.

Do you ever act out your abuse?

No... Maybe. I think I may have at one point without really realizing it. I hadn't recalled enough memories to know at the time.

Fantasies of it?

They take me by surprise and make me want to vomit, but yeah. I sometimes wonder if I'm not trying to recall things when that happens.

Do you feel in control with your life?

... Most of the time? When I don't I'm fairly confident I can trust the man I married to let me know when I'm going too far.

If the abuse never happened would you still question some of the things you do.

Of course I would. Take out the sexual abuse and there was still the "simple" facts that a) I was being raised by someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, possibly two someones, and b) I have a social cognitive disorder. It's in my nature to second-guess absolutely everything I do down to reading people's body language because I can't innately do that, I've had to train myself from the ground up.

 

[KL]

I'll preface this by saying that I had more than one abuser. I'll go with the top two that really messed me up. The first one 8 years old for four years and the second one 17-21.

Did you see it as a normal thing when it would happen?

First Abuser: No, I knew it was wrong and different, it did not feel normal.
Second Abuser: Absolutely, but I missed my first abuser.

Did you see it as abusive?

First Abuser: Not immediately. I was an open, affectionate, and loving little boy. The person who did this to me was very close, and it started gently and only became more aggressive and obtrusive later. I loved him, and thought he must have really loved me to be doing that to me. But later, when it got painful I still loved him but he hurt me and I was scared of him. So eventually, yes.
Second Abuser: I knew right away what it was, but it felt normal and familiar.

Did you feel taken advantage of?

First Abuser: Again, not immediately, later in the abuse yes, and later in life ALL OF IT I've realized was him taking advantage of me.
Second Abuser: Yes.

Was there violence involved with your abuse?

First Abuser: Eventually through penetration, oral sex, harsh holding which caused bruises, and mouth cupping. Coaching to look happy.
Second Abuser: Yes. Sometimes asked for, sometimes not.

Has it confused you with your sexual identity?

For the longest time I blamed my sexuality on my first abuser, but maybe I would have been gay anyway...honestly, I don't know. I can say I'm 100% comfortable with my sexuality now.

Did you trust this person who did this to you?

Yes

Do you feel sick by the actions that took place?

Yes

Do you see sex as a bad thing or what are your views on it?

I enjoy the hell out of it. I have a very healthy appetite. Maybe being sexualized at such a young age had an affect, I'm not sure. Sex is where I find closeness compared to just hanging around with someone, I don't like holding hands, or even being touched when it's not about sex. I react harshly to unwanted touching, even if it's just a hand on my knee after sex. If it's before sex, and the sex act doesn't commence soon I get irritable and need to fulfill that need. The sex can be rough or loving...it matters not ( I know...I'm reliving. ). My main focus ( or one of ) at the moment is getting better at being intimate and to have a normal relationship.

How much do you relate your abuse towards your life is it something you keep hidden, buried, don't care, open about it, only some know?

As of the last 4-5 months I'm completely open about it, before only a few friends knew, now everyone that ask does. However, I don't talk about all the behavioral problems it has caused. Sometimes parents, family, friends, whoever, don't need to know every little thing.