Questioning (potentially sensitive)
Hello,
I am new here. First let me say that I am glad that a site like this exists, it makes me very happy to see such a supportive community. I joined because I think my boyfriend may have been abused.
Originally I posted this in "Unmoderated" because I wasn't sure if the material was appropriate for this forum, but then I moved it here. Please let me know if it crosses any lines, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I love my boyfriend very much. He is one of the best friends I've ever had. He's caring, genuine, and honest. I love him and the relationship that we have.
However, I have recently began to suspect that maybe he was abused when he was younger.
He has always been shy. I knew him as a mutual friend for over a year before we actually started talking. He is very quiet. As we became closer, he began to tell me about the anxiety he experiences in social situations. He told me he used to have huge anxiety problems, he would sweat excessively, and just get so nervous about everyday things that it was making him sick. But he has gotten help for his anxiety and it's gotten a lot better.
He never kissed a girl until he was 19 years old. I always attributed this to his shyness. Now he is 24, and I am the third girl he has ever kissed. Still, OK he is just shy.
Every once in a while, he goes through a week or so of being really grumpy. This has happened three or four times in the past year. He becomes agitated with everyday things, cranky and tired, and doesn't really want to talk to me. One of the times that it happened, I asked him what was wrong and he said something like, "I have never talked about it with anyone. Believe me I want to tell you more than anyone but I can't yet."
That is fine with me. He knows that I am here if he wants to talk, whenever he is ready. If he doesn't want to talk about it, I'm not going to push it. So I keep in mind that he has something going on when he has these grumpy spells. I try to understand that it's something he feels like he needs to deal with himself, so I just do my best to be there for him and love him through whatever is going on.
About four months ago, we started to become more physically intimite with each other. He is OK with kissing, and being close, but once I start touching him it beomes very obvious that something is wrong. The first time, he told me to stop and started crying. I felt so guilty, like I had done something wrong. He told me he didn't know what happened, but his hands were closing and they wouldn't open and it was making him scared. So we talked about it a little bit and his clonclusion was that it was his first experience doing something like that and it just suprised him.
After that, I avoided being physical with him because I thought that he wasn't ready for it. But then he would innitiate it a lot. And he would be fine doing things with me as long as I wasn't touching him. This is when I realized that something was definitely wrong.
Once, he told me that he wanted to make love to me. We tried but he physically could not do it.
I have been in a situation like the first scenerio twice since then. Both times he physically is not ready for it, although he says he wants to. He says he doesn't know why it happens. But usually something physical will happen like his hands will cramp up or once he couldn't open his mouth.
We have talked about his issues with sex a few times. He has told me that he associates sex with bad feelings of the man being mean and not loving the woman.
This is all scaring me because I don't want to hurt him. He keeps initiating sexual situations but I feel very guilty because I think he is being harmed by it.
My question is, how do I know if he has been abused? Should I just wait for him to tell me if he wants to? What can I do to make him feel more comfortable?
I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this message has been so long, choppy, and incoherent. But hopefully someone will have some advice. Thank you so much.
J
I am new here. First let me say that I am glad that a site like this exists, it makes me very happy to see such a supportive community. I joined because I think my boyfriend may have been abused.
Originally I posted this in "Unmoderated" because I wasn't sure if the material was appropriate for this forum, but then I moved it here. Please let me know if it crosses any lines, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I love my boyfriend very much. He is one of the best friends I've ever had. He's caring, genuine, and honest. I love him and the relationship that we have.
However, I have recently began to suspect that maybe he was abused when he was younger.
He has always been shy. I knew him as a mutual friend for over a year before we actually started talking. He is very quiet. As we became closer, he began to tell me about the anxiety he experiences in social situations. He told me he used to have huge anxiety problems, he would sweat excessively, and just get so nervous about everyday things that it was making him sick. But he has gotten help for his anxiety and it's gotten a lot better.
He never kissed a girl until he was 19 years old. I always attributed this to his shyness. Now he is 24, and I am the third girl he has ever kissed. Still, OK he is just shy.
Every once in a while, he goes through a week or so of being really grumpy. This has happened three or four times in the past year. He becomes agitated with everyday things, cranky and tired, and doesn't really want to talk to me. One of the times that it happened, I asked him what was wrong and he said something like, "I have never talked about it with anyone. Believe me I want to tell you more than anyone but I can't yet."
That is fine with me. He knows that I am here if he wants to talk, whenever he is ready. If he doesn't want to talk about it, I'm not going to push it. So I keep in mind that he has something going on when he has these grumpy spells. I try to understand that it's something he feels like he needs to deal with himself, so I just do my best to be there for him and love him through whatever is going on.
About four months ago, we started to become more physically intimite with each other. He is OK with kissing, and being close, but once I start touching him it beomes very obvious that something is wrong. The first time, he told me to stop and started crying. I felt so guilty, like I had done something wrong. He told me he didn't know what happened, but his hands were closing and they wouldn't open and it was making him scared. So we talked about it a little bit and his clonclusion was that it was his first experience doing something like that and it just suprised him.
After that, I avoided being physical with him because I thought that he wasn't ready for it. But then he would innitiate it a lot. And he would be fine doing things with me as long as I wasn't touching him. This is when I realized that something was definitely wrong.
Once, he told me that he wanted to make love to me. We tried but he physically could not do it.
I have been in a situation like the first scenerio twice since then. Both times he physically is not ready for it, although he says he wants to. He says he doesn't know why it happens. But usually something physical will happen like his hands will cramp up or once he couldn't open his mouth.
We have talked about his issues with sex a few times. He has told me that he associates sex with bad feelings of the man being mean and not loving the woman.
This is all scaring me because I don't want to hurt him. He keeps initiating sexual situations but I feel very guilty because I think he is being harmed by it.
My question is, how do I know if he has been abused? Should I just wait for him to tell me if he wants to? What can I do to make him feel more comfortable?
I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this message has been so long, choppy, and incoherent. But hopefully someone will have some advice. Thank you so much.
J