Question.

[steel]

Why does my wife still have a relationship with her abuser? It was her father and he is coming tonight for a 3 week visit to stay with us for the holidays. This is absolutely absurd to me and I can not handle it. She wants me to be supportive so I say nothing. I will support her in every way I can but this is causing me to not sleep, there are four children in the house, thoughts of who he is, what he has done to my precious lady and I HATE HIM WITH ALL THAT I AM!!

 

[Wifey1]

Steel,
I ask myself this question pretty damn often. I can only say that in the beginning I continued a relationship with my "dad" (& other abusers) because I was not able to tell my "secret" to anyone. It was much "easier" to keep the secret especially from other family members & family friends than to scream the truth. That "dad" is a freaking pedophile. There are many real & perceived "risks" in telling the secret. He may have threatened her life, or another loved ones life when he was abusing her. He most likely "insinuated" that the abuse was "her fault". She may plainly just not be ready to confront the truth to him or about him just yet.
I know it is frustrating as all hell to have such a complete asshole in your house.. one who has injured the person you love the most in your life. BUT, try to let her call the shots about HOW this gets dealt with. SHE needs to know that you are going to stick with her requests and SHE gets the "control" in her life that was so long denied to her via her abuser/s. This takes practice on BOTH of your parts.
You could however express your emotions about how you feel about him being in your house, but be sure to tell her as much as she needs to hear or you need to tell that you will respect her wishes on HOW this is dealt with.
I absolutely HATE my hubby's mother & the bastard/s who raped him as a little tot. Hubby is planning on going to see his sis's for holly days, he will be seeeing his mother too -- Its a matter of grin & bear the bitch if I decide I am going to go. When hubby & I get a visit or decide to visit my folks he grins & bears it.. BUT neither of us stay or make the other one stay longer than we want to. WE have "code" words if it gets to be too much for either of us. Words ONLY each other knows. BEFORE we go we decide HOW long we are thinking we can stay... mine is usually no longer than 3 -4 hours, then if it gets too deep in shit all of a sudden I get a "bad headache". OR we use needing to be at so & so's at such & such a time. The important thing is that we talk & plan so that each of our needs are met.
I am sure you feel as if you could take this guy out by the garage & knock the snot out of him BUT do not confront him without your wife's knowledge & approval.. remember she will bear the brunt of the results from that. OH my gosh it is soooo hard! I know you love her & that will carry you thru with patience to survive this.
Post often & hopeful others can help too.
Peace, Sammy

 

[PAS]

This is a tough one. It is difficult to say to someone who they can and cannot have a relationship with. That is really their own decision. HOwever, if there are issues on how that relationship may be affecting your partner and how those issues are affecting the relationship then you DO have the right to comment.

HOw can someone have a relatoisnhip with their abuser? If that person is a family member you have to keep in mind that all too often the acknowledgement of the abuse that person inflicted on you could very well result in teh complete cessation of that relationship, which is a very scary prospect. Many survivors of abuse have intense abandonment fears which are triggered when the survivor makes moves to remove a toxic relationship from their lives. While intellectually it may seem very easy for someone to just cut the abuser out of their lives, in reality it is very difficult. It takes the acknowledgement of the abuse, and the associated feelings of shame, grief, etc. in order to make that move. Maybe your wife is just not ready for that yet.

Also there is the whole issue of what trauma can do to someones brain. I have heard stories of 40+ year old victims of S.A. who still are easy prey for their perpetrators even though they are now adults. Someting about the trauma literally re-wires one's brain and some traumatized people just cannot see themselves as anything other than a victimized child.

With respect to this person having involvement in your childrens' lives - I think this is one area in which you DO and MUST have some say in what happens. As a parent you very much DO have the right to restrict people and things from your kids' lives whom you think may harm them. This may be one area in which you could exert some influence over the situation - state to your wife that you dont agree with the relationship that she has with her father because of their abuse history, however you do have to acknowledge she is an adult and has free choice, but you could say that you will NOT tolerate an abuser having contact with your kids. This may generate a conflict within your relaitoship but your kids are worth protecting!!!!!!!!

P