Question
Question
- Thread starterJaysen
- Start date
This is a Common thing for abuse and rape survivors. Some how being hurt again can take you back to where you lost who you were before everything went bad. For a moment you can almost touch it.
Pain can help turn emotional pain into physical pain - especially if there is a physical scar from a Burn or Cut to anchor yourself to.
Pain can also be used to shock oneself int feeling when you become emotionally numb. I deal with this a lot - my dad was emotionally distant and I so much Will Not be like that.
There is an organization for dealling with this called Bodies Under Siege . I hope this helps.
Pain can help turn emotional pain into physical pain - especially if there is a physical scar from a Burn or Cut to anchor yourself to.
Pain can also be used to shock oneself int feeling when you become emotionally numb. I deal with this a lot - my dad was emotionally distant and I so much Will Not be like that.
There is an organization for dealling with this called Bodies Under Siege . I hope this helps.
roadrunner
Registrant
Jay,
Yes, acting out often involves the survivor in causing himself pain or harm. Sometimes he does this because he feels so empty and devoid of emotion - he figures that if he hurts himself at least he will feel SOMETHING. In other cases the survivor remembers how he was powerless to stop what was done to him. He feels that if he is the cause of his own harm now, well, at least he is in control.
If you are cutting, burning, or otherwise harming yourself Jay, the first thing is this - don't blame or condemn yourself or you will just make things worse. Talk about what's happening and see if you can get some help. If you are tempted to self-harm, again, let's hear it. It won't be the first time this subject comes up and no one here will judge you.
Much love,
Larry
Yes, acting out often involves the survivor in causing himself pain or harm. Sometimes he does this because he feels so empty and devoid of emotion - he figures that if he hurts himself at least he will feel SOMETHING. In other cases the survivor remembers how he was powerless to stop what was done to him. He feels that if he is the cause of his own harm now, well, at least he is in control.
If you are cutting, burning, or otherwise harming yourself Jay, the first thing is this - don't blame or condemn yourself or you will just make things worse. Talk about what's happening and see if you can get some help. If you are tempted to self-harm, again, let's hear it. It won't be the first time this subject comes up and no one here will judge you.
Much love,
Larry
I'm not cutting or burning or harming myself, but I am finding other people that are more than willing to do it for me. I don't think anyone here would judge me, at least not outloud. I'm not sure if I should talk about it here or not... I don't know if I can, I'm pretty ashamed about it.
Jay
Jay
roadrunner
Registrant
Jay,
People like that are users and predators, just like abusers are. I hope you will steer clear of them.
Shame is one of the big factors that keeps us shut up. Don't think you will be the first to say things on this theme. You are an important person. CLAIM that importance and just say whatever you need to talk about.
Much love,
Larry
People like that are users and predators, just like abusers are. I hope you will steer clear of them.
Shame is one of the big factors that keeps us shut up. Don't think you will be the first to say things on this theme. You are an important person. CLAIM that importance and just say whatever you need to talk about.
Much love,
Larry
I myself long long ago had fleeting thoughts of this subject How I reasoned with my self is physical pain just friggin hurts and I dont really care for that its not a good thing.
I was in enough mental pain that the thought of more just made me freak out. So the way I dealt with it is damn dood you hurt enough no reason to add fuel to the fire.
And I have not had those thoughts for years, But then again I am different from everyone (as it should be) but share the same hell with you all and what a pain that is but I am on the move and day by day its getting better.
Find your inner peace whatever it may be but make it a positive one and let the healing begin true healing.
Pete
I was in enough mental pain that the thought of more just made me freak out. So the way I dealt with it is damn dood you hurt enough no reason to add fuel to the fire.
And I have not had those thoughts for years, But then again I am different from everyone (as it should be) but share the same hell with you all and what a pain that is but I am on the move and day by day its getting better.
Find your inner peace whatever it may be but make it a positive one and let the healing begin true healing.
Pete
Okay then, I know these guys, they like to get into some pretty nasty scenes, s&m type stuff. I go over there and basically let them do whatever they want to do to me. They treat me like shit, insult me, humilate me and hurt me. Only thing I know for sure is I'll be leaving there alive and pretty much in-tact the next morning. Other than that whatever they want to do is fine with me. I'm fair game. And you're right, they are users and predators but you know what? When this feeling overcomes me and I need to fulfill this need in me, to get hurt, to feel pain, I don't care who they are or what they are all I know is what they're going to give me. Yeah, next day when the feeling is gone I'm guilty all over again, feel like complete shit and totally ashamed of myself. But at the time... I don't know. I don't understand why I keep going back. It's like a drug, I'm addicted. It's like being with the guys who kidnapped me all over again only not quite so brutal. I can't figure out if I do it because I feel like at least this time I'm the one who is making the decision to allow this to happen to me, to my body. Or if I'm just fucked up and get off on being in pain or what.
So that's it.
So that's it.
Jaysen,
Find a POSITIVE yen/light its there you know it and you can obtain it. You deserve it know matter what others tell you, do or whatever. Its not easy but either is life. Habbits are hard to break and we find comfort in them real or percieved but they are habbits and not needed for true relief.
Fight the good fight Jaysen I am thinking of you and am here for what ever you need as is everyone else here as we know.
Pete
Find a POSITIVE yen/light its there you know it and you can obtain it. You deserve it know matter what others tell you, do or whatever. Its not easy but either is life. Habbits are hard to break and we find comfort in them real or percieved but they are habbits and not needed for true relief.
Fight the good fight Jaysen I am thinking of you and am here for what ever you need as is everyone else here as we know.
Pete
roadrunner
Registrant
Jay,
It's a tough cycle to break, but like all the rest of the legacy of abuse this too can be beaten. Just keep talking about it. No one here judges you for this.
Much love,
Larry
This is central to what "acting out" is all about, a seeking of harm so the survivor can at least feel SOMETHING, and to top it off, choose by his own decision where the harm will come from.
It's a tough cycle to break, but like all the rest of the legacy of abuse this too can be beaten. Just keep talking about it. No one here judges you for this.
Much love,
Larry
Jay,
You are acting out the secrets that I whispered to a man last night. In some way, s&m submission is linked with my knowledge that it is safe to trust a man. When you say, "Only thing I know for sure is I'll be leaving there alive and pretty much in-tact the next morning," I read that you have trust and boundaries with these men at some level. Being able to trust another man in a rough sexual role is a big (and good) thing for me when I can accomplish it.
I don't have any answers. I do want you to know that you are not alone on your quest for understanding.
Rabbit
You are acting out the secrets that I whispered to a man last night. In some way, s&m submission is linked with my knowledge that it is safe to trust a man. When you say, "Only thing I know for sure is I'll be leaving there alive and pretty much in-tact the next morning," I read that you have trust and boundaries with these men at some level. Being able to trust another man in a rough sexual role is a big (and good) thing for me when I can accomplish it.
I don't have any answers. I do want you to know that you are not alone on your quest for understanding.
Rabbit
Thanks Rabbit... I know what you mean. In the back of my mind I know for sure that there are at least some boundaries that they have in mind but during the scene it's like I have no idea what's going to happen next. That fear of not knowing is kind of what excites me about it I guess.
I don't set any rules or come up any limitations, I don't indicate to them that I have any boundaries, there's no safe word, there's no saying "stop" once it's started. They can be brutal but like I said, at least I know I'm walking (or crawling) out of there in the morning. In the end, to them, it's just a game and I'm a willing participant. There have been times that I've actually allowed them to reinact part of my abuse. Not that I've told them about it but they'll do something and it brings me right back to that time, so of course I'll act accordingly and they take the cue.
Trust... do I trust them? No, not really. That's another reason why I do it I think, there's always a chance, always a possibility that things will go terribly wrong for me once I'm there and once I've given up control.
When Larry commented on me saying I just wanted to feel useful, alive and wanted. That's just how it works. When I'm there I feel useful and wanted to them, the pain makes me feel alive.
It's fucking confusing as all hell. I really need to break the cycle like Larry said, I just don't know how.
I don't set any rules or come up any limitations, I don't indicate to them that I have any boundaries, there's no safe word, there's no saying "stop" once it's started. They can be brutal but like I said, at least I know I'm walking (or crawling) out of there in the morning. In the end, to them, it's just a game and I'm a willing participant. There have been times that I've actually allowed them to reinact part of my abuse. Not that I've told them about it but they'll do something and it brings me right back to that time, so of course I'll act accordingly and they take the cue.
Trust... do I trust them? No, not really. That's another reason why I do it I think, there's always a chance, always a possibility that things will go terribly wrong for me once I'm there and once I've given up control.
When Larry commented on me saying I just wanted to feel useful, alive and wanted. That's just how it works. When I'm there I feel useful and wanted to them, the pain makes me feel alive.
It's fucking confusing as all hell. I really need to break the cycle like Larry said, I just don't know how.
Jay,
In my eyes just being able to talk about it here is the 1st step in breaking the cycle,
Believe in yourself. It's easy to say that but to actually do it is a whole new ball of wax as we all can relate too.
But I truely believe you can as your here. Just as one day everyone who unfortunatlly searches and ends up on this board can. You took the 1st step now see if you can take another.
Fight the good fight Bro nothing worth having comes easy.
Pete
In my eyes just being able to talk about it here is the 1st step in breaking the cycle,
Believe in yourself. It's easy to say that but to actually do it is a whole new ball of wax as we all can relate too.
But I truely believe you can as your here. Just as one day everyone who unfortunatlly searches and ends up on this board can. You took the 1st step now see if you can take another.
Fight the good fight Bro nothing worth having comes easy.
Pete
It is confusing because amidst the wreckage that childhood sexual trauma created in my life are some really precious pieces of rubble - my true nature, my heart, my inner warrior. I grow most when I fearlessly seek these shards of who I am at the core.
Navigating the wacky world of gay male sex is just as confusing. It too is filled with positive and negative forces. I believe that if I'm willing and able to work in the right environment, I may find more keys to who I am by understanding my desire to submit to all a man can dish out. It's linked to my own sense of what it means to be a man - I guess beneath my sensitive exterior there is one tough son of a gun. It's hard to see oneself as tough and victim at the same time.
Thanks for being open. I appreciate the food for thought.
Navigating the wacky world of gay male sex is just as confusing. It too is filled with positive and negative forces. I believe that if I'm willing and able to work in the right environment, I may find more keys to who I am by understanding my desire to submit to all a man can dish out. It's linked to my own sense of what it means to be a man - I guess beneath my sensitive exterior there is one tough son of a gun. It's hard to see oneself as tough and victim at the same time.
Thanks for being open. I appreciate the food for thought.