Question to everyone regarding being a "survivor"

[maggie]

Okay, something that I didn't mention in my last post was that when I had my "closure dinner" with my now ex he stated to me that he never, ever wants to get involved with someone that comes from a "dysfunctional" background. Although I wasn't sexually abused, my father was physically and verbally abusive growing up and that was part of the reason he felt so comfortable disclosing for the first time his past b/c he felt comfortable that I was able to talk about my past hurts first.

Anyway, I sit here feeling more hurt over that one comment b/c it makes me feel that I'm somehow broken...there is something profoundly wrong with me....the rejection that every survivor fears of not being accepted he has in fact made a reality and didn't hesitate in telling me so that that was one of the main reasons he feels it could/would never work with us. Made me feel even more like shit.

My question for everyone out there is yes, relationships are never easy, but do you believe it's easier to have one with someone that doesn't come from such a damaged past??? I don't know the answer to this....maybe he is right, but also I think I have so much more of a deeper understanding of some of the hurt and pain he is going through. I feel I was/am more sympathetic, patient, caring, b/c I know a little bit of the pain one feels of being hurt by someone who should be there to provide love...I don't know....am confused over everything and not thinking clearly.

Thank you to everyone that replied to me and for the kind words...you have no idea just how much it helps.

 

[kolisha54]

Ya know something, Maggie? Unlike certain 19th Century Russian authors who shall remain nameless, I, for one, do NOT believe that suffering brings redemption. All suffering brings is the OPPORTUNITY to grow, change, & deepen. This isn't the way it happens for everyone who suffers.

Let's face it: some people are just mean, some people are just angrrrrry, and some people are just hopeless. Being abused only accentuates what is already there intrinsically inside.

Luckily, many of us reach a point where we realize that Guess What? We actually have a choice about how we respond when we are provoked or triggered. And it is very very hard to act in defiance of your own biology - but it IS possible.

At some stages in our journey toward healing, we are simply NOT CAPABLE of asking all that much from ourselves: there is a quote from Jung which says something to the effect of "to the extent that someone is unaware or unknown to him/herself, that person will be unaware of others."

Unfortunately, there are no rules here. As someone said to me recently, "love is a process." Things change - sometimes with breaktaking speed. All we can hope for is to feel a sense of gratitude for what we are able to learn & how we are able to grow.

It is so difficult to deflect someone else's ugliness when it is deliberately hurled at us - but all we can do is to remember that the person who is hurting us is probably in even worse shape than we are.

Hope this makes sense.

 

[Caetel]

I was often told when sharing my problems with V that I should date "normal" guys, ie not survivors with the idea that they would be more sane and capable of a relationship. But I have seen some of these so called "normal" guys in relationship with survivors and be uncapable of reassessing their own life, uncapable of growth. All the time they stated that it was the other person's problem. Honestly I'd rather be in a relationship with a survivor where both partners are able to honestly look at their lives and make the necessary changes !
Maggie I totally understand your feelings, I felt the same way. In my case, it was the affair V had with a sexually agressive woman that destroyed my confidence. I felt like shit, felt completely rejected because I could not "provide" sex, because I still had lots of issues regaring sex and in a lot ways that I still have.
But believe me, I see everyday men and women who are so called "normal" who seriously deserve to go into therapy and do a little "cleaning at their doorstep"

 

[Abby]

I guess that the issue is that everybody is different. Theres no right or wrong way of thinking, but relationships with/between different human beings, each one carrying his/her own personality treats which come from different backgrounds.

Theres nothing wrong with you, Maggie. You unfortunately have found yourself dealing with somebody who believes now that he cant sustain a relationship with another survivor. He seems to thinks on terms of categorising people, and not reflects that relationships are made by concrete persons. Everybody including normal people - have problems so every relationship has to face issues. He is using a false logic, and sadly theres nothing you can do on the matter. I am so sorry to tell you this. Its such a hard reality. But he could still be facing a difficult phase of his recovery (despite he believes otherwise) so his mind is still stuck on some false logic patterns.

Please take care of yourself.
Abby

 

[EBrook]

Honestly, I've never met anyone whose family wasn't at least a little dysfunctional in one way or another. Anyone who reaches 30 and claims to have no baggage whatsoever is either delusional or dead. If your ex believes he's going to meet some magical woman who will never have problems, issues, or needs, he's going to be single for a long time.

 

[SAR]

If your ex believes he's going to meet some magical woman who will never have problems, issues, or needs, he's going to be single for a long time.

Yup, because I'm taken I'M SORRY! I COULDN'T RESIST!

maggie,

In general I think it's hard to assume that people who've experienced similar hardships will have a deeper understanding of each other. If another person's pain bears a close resemblance to mine, it might save me some time and energy in some situations, because I won't have to explain everything in the same way I might have to with someone who had no idea what I was talking about. But on the other hand, it's easy for that person to use his/her own experiences to "fill in the blanks" and make all kinds of potentially hurtful guesses about what I'm feeling or what I need-- or to judge my feelings and reactions when they are different.

 

[Lloydy]

my now ex he stated to me that he never, ever wants to get involved with someone that comes from a "dysfunctional" background

He's looking forward to a lonely life then!

That's complete rubbish, and if he knows it's rubbish then it can only be a feeble excuse.

Dave