Question re: man--is it rape, what he keeps doing?
Damian1974
Registrant
This is a man I have been visiting ever so often, and one reason I keep doing so is, occasionally I want companionship or someone to talk to. I am not into him sexually. However he is very interested in me sexually, and very interested in seeing me, and while every sexual experience I have with him is extremely unpleasant, I have reasons to fear saying no.
I am in a situation where it is very tough to make friends because I was date rape drugged at a well known gay bar in the area in 2009, the owner attempted to have me intimidated by arranging crooked police to try to frame me, and several members of the local gay community participated in some horrible abuse against me as a result.
Some examples of such intimidation I will post here:
https://www.pbase.com/damian1974/threats_following_rape
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More importantly, this man whose experiences I am referring to visits Provincetown regularly and is very close friends with a man who is close friends with another man who I had some very unpleasant encounters with, who has repeatedly threatened me, threatened me with death, and can be seen in the following email telling me that the mob will shut me up, because I open my mouth too much, or something like that.
https://www.pbase.com/damian1974/image/156852235/large
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Anyway, let me go back to the experiences I am starting to wonder should possibly be defined as rape. What this man does each time I visit him is to want me to go to his bedroom, and then he insists on sitting on my face while he jerks off, in a way that is extremely uncomfortable, and often times I start to suffocate and have to say "No stop" and push him. In fact, almost every time I hook up with him, I'm constantly saying "No no no no no no no" over and over again repeatedly, and at times trying to push him off when I can't breath. Now I am much stronger than him and, in a pinch, can push hard enough so I push him off me, but when that happens, he gets visibly angry, and I get worried.
I would not call these experiences "dating." At least I am not interested in that way. I have been seeing this person for about two years every so often, mainly because he invites me over and cooks dinner for me and I don't feel it's polite to say no. When I first started visiting him, around that time a few other men befriended me, all of whom also regularly visit Provincetown, and one of whom went for some time to this gay church I sometimes go to in Boston. When I first started "seeing" this guy whose sexual treatment of me I am sort of wondering seems similar to rape, these other men were readily available to talk to me whenever I called them up and texted them. And they continued to keep talking to me and stay in touch, which was helpful because I need to have some people to talk to sometimes. the only other person I talk to regularly if this former co-worker who works at this company I used to work for but don't anymore, a subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway.
Anyway, so long as I kept on seeing this man, with whom I dread having sex, these gay men and the one former co-worker (a woman) were all very available to talk to me and I could visit them every so often. After awhile, however, I started becoming more and more uncomfortable with my sexual experiences with this man, and started to come up with excuses to stop visiting him. And, a couple of times, I was firm and refused to have sex.
The moment I started refusing to see this man, every single one of these gay men I would regularly talk to, plus this former co-worker, inexplicably started not taking my phonically and not taking my texts. Furthermore, this men's group I used to go to -- introduced to me by the man I knew who often goes to this gay church -- stopped being quite as supportive a resource for me as it used to be. Some of the other men would interrupt me and make snide remarks when I spoke, and another one at a time berated me saying it was my fault if I was raped (a long time ago in 2009), or something along those lines.
Now, I ended up responding to this by sort of "escaping" in a way, going camping and doing a lot of outdoor activity during the summer. However, after literally weeks of pretty much no contact with any real live person or any response to any phonically or texts I'd send to ANYONE I used to talk to, I started visiting this man again whose experiences I just wonder are a lot like rape. Though I've been much more firm about not having sex.
Other problems I have with him are, he will seemingly deliberately "forget" that I ever told him about how I was date rape drugged in 2009. Like I'll mention it in passing, and he'll say "oh you never told me that." And that's like ridiculous -- of course I told him all about it because I was terribly traumatized. Indeed, one of the reasons I was visiting him -- the original purpose of it, he initially told me, was he thought it would be helpful for me to have someone to talk to about my former traumatic experiences. And, it's true, I really do not like to talk about those experiences with him, because he literally plays mind games when I do. Which, to a large degree, are almost disorienting. Indeed, my main reason for visiting him now is, I am in the process of going back to the gym and getting back in shape, after having gained some weight following a back injury, and it's good to have someone to talk about my progress with. Though, last time I spoke with him, I knew I had gained some weight, and he tried to tell me I hadn't. (I have since lost it, but still, it was obvious I had then. My pants were one size bigger.)
Now, if I am constantly struggling and saying no, and he refuses to stop and I am forced to try really hard to push him off, isn't that kind of like rape? I mean, if he was doing this to a woman, it would be rape. Technically I'm strong enough so he isn't FORCING me, but is merely pressuring me in a sense.
Oddly enough, I've thought for quite some time "this seems a little bit like rape," and have been quite appalled to read feminist websites where they think even such circumstances as a woman NOT SAYING NO AND NOT STRUGGLING can actually be thought of as rape, like I feel that's defining rape way too expansively. But, in my case, I'm saying no all the time and struggling a lot of the time -- just not to the utmost usually.
Oddly enough, because of the kinds of threats I've received before, I've been thinking all that in the back of my mind, but not daring to utter a word to anyone, either verbally or in writing, though I have hinted at it occasionally when I have debates over rape. Like I've at times mentioned the way feminists define rape in a manner overly biased towards victims, I get raped all the time, it seems.
And it's really trivial compared to so many other experiences I go through (and, that's the thing, it really IS trivial compared to other horrible abuse I've gone through, and that's one reason why I really have hesitated to really come to terms with it. And, of course, by now, this is the only gay man who will take my phonecalls in something like several months. So, I mean, acknowledging to myself that this is abuse also seems to mean cutting myself off from most human contact for a very long time.
I am in a situation where it is very tough to make friends because I was date rape drugged at a well known gay bar in the area in 2009, the owner attempted to have me intimidated by arranging crooked police to try to frame me, and several members of the local gay community participated in some horrible abuse against me as a result.
Some examples of such intimidation I will post here:
https://www.pbase.com/damian1974/threats_following_rape
-------
More importantly, this man whose experiences I am referring to visits Provincetown regularly and is very close friends with a man who is close friends with another man who I had some very unpleasant encounters with, who has repeatedly threatened me, threatened me with death, and can be seen in the following email telling me that the mob will shut me up, because I open my mouth too much, or something like that.
https://www.pbase.com/damian1974/image/156852235/large
-------
Anyway, let me go back to the experiences I am starting to wonder should possibly be defined as rape. What this man does each time I visit him is to want me to go to his bedroom, and then he insists on sitting on my face while he jerks off, in a way that is extremely uncomfortable, and often times I start to suffocate and have to say "No stop" and push him. In fact, almost every time I hook up with him, I'm constantly saying "No no no no no no no" over and over again repeatedly, and at times trying to push him off when I can't breath. Now I am much stronger than him and, in a pinch, can push hard enough so I push him off me, but when that happens, he gets visibly angry, and I get worried.
I would not call these experiences "dating." At least I am not interested in that way. I have been seeing this person for about two years every so often, mainly because he invites me over and cooks dinner for me and I don't feel it's polite to say no. When I first started visiting him, around that time a few other men befriended me, all of whom also regularly visit Provincetown, and one of whom went for some time to this gay church I sometimes go to in Boston. When I first started "seeing" this guy whose sexual treatment of me I am sort of wondering seems similar to rape, these other men were readily available to talk to me whenever I called them up and texted them. And they continued to keep talking to me and stay in touch, which was helpful because I need to have some people to talk to sometimes. the only other person I talk to regularly if this former co-worker who works at this company I used to work for but don't anymore, a subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway.
Anyway, so long as I kept on seeing this man, with whom I dread having sex, these gay men and the one former co-worker (a woman) were all very available to talk to me and I could visit them every so often. After awhile, however, I started becoming more and more uncomfortable with my sexual experiences with this man, and started to come up with excuses to stop visiting him. And, a couple of times, I was firm and refused to have sex.
The moment I started refusing to see this man, every single one of these gay men I would regularly talk to, plus this former co-worker, inexplicably started not taking my phonically and not taking my texts. Furthermore, this men's group I used to go to -- introduced to me by the man I knew who often goes to this gay church -- stopped being quite as supportive a resource for me as it used to be. Some of the other men would interrupt me and make snide remarks when I spoke, and another one at a time berated me saying it was my fault if I was raped (a long time ago in 2009), or something along those lines.
Now, I ended up responding to this by sort of "escaping" in a way, going camping and doing a lot of outdoor activity during the summer. However, after literally weeks of pretty much no contact with any real live person or any response to any phonically or texts I'd send to ANYONE I used to talk to, I started visiting this man again whose experiences I just wonder are a lot like rape. Though I've been much more firm about not having sex.
Other problems I have with him are, he will seemingly deliberately "forget" that I ever told him about how I was date rape drugged in 2009. Like I'll mention it in passing, and he'll say "oh you never told me that." And that's like ridiculous -- of course I told him all about it because I was terribly traumatized. Indeed, one of the reasons I was visiting him -- the original purpose of it, he initially told me, was he thought it would be helpful for me to have someone to talk to about my former traumatic experiences. And, it's true, I really do not like to talk about those experiences with him, because he literally plays mind games when I do. Which, to a large degree, are almost disorienting. Indeed, my main reason for visiting him now is, I am in the process of going back to the gym and getting back in shape, after having gained some weight following a back injury, and it's good to have someone to talk about my progress with. Though, last time I spoke with him, I knew I had gained some weight, and he tried to tell me I hadn't. (I have since lost it, but still, it was obvious I had then. My pants were one size bigger.)
Now, if I am constantly struggling and saying no, and he refuses to stop and I am forced to try really hard to push him off, isn't that kind of like rape? I mean, if he was doing this to a woman, it would be rape. Technically I'm strong enough so he isn't FORCING me, but is merely pressuring me in a sense.
Oddly enough, I've thought for quite some time "this seems a little bit like rape," and have been quite appalled to read feminist websites where they think even such circumstances as a woman NOT SAYING NO AND NOT STRUGGLING can actually be thought of as rape, like I feel that's defining rape way too expansively. But, in my case, I'm saying no all the time and struggling a lot of the time -- just not to the utmost usually.
Oddly enough, because of the kinds of threats I've received before, I've been thinking all that in the back of my mind, but not daring to utter a word to anyone, either verbally or in writing, though I have hinted at it occasionally when I have debates over rape. Like I've at times mentioned the way feminists define rape in a manner overly biased towards victims, I get raped all the time, it seems.
And it's really trivial compared to so many other experiences I go through (and, that's the thing, it really IS trivial compared to other horrible abuse I've gone through, and that's one reason why I really have hesitated to really come to terms with it. And, of course, by now, this is the only gay man who will take my phonecalls in something like several months. So, I mean, acknowledging to myself that this is abuse also seems to mean cutting myself off from most human contact for a very long time.
