Question for survivors

Question for survivors
M

MeredithK79

New Registrant
I currently am dating a survivor of child molestation. He was
molested from 10-14 by a neighbor hood guy that was friends of the
family. The guy was caught for molesting other boys, but my boyfriend
never admitted it that he was one of them. We've been dating for four
months and things have started to fester.

I caught him emailing random women online for sex and after him not
speaking to me for a week, he told me he knows he has a problem. He
told me he needs help and he's lost and he finally told his mom about
it. I'm not sure if he actually did tell her but I want to be
supportive and try to help him. He just seems so distant now and
although he tells me he loves me, I never know when I'm going to hear
from him anymore. We used to talk all day every day and now it's hard.

He feels as though he's not good enough and that I can find someone
that isn't messed up like him but I don't see it that way. This isn't
his fault and I was just wondering if anyone could give me any
suggestions. I'm trying as hard as I can and I'm wondering if the
lack of communication about it is a big factor. We've never really
talked about us since we didn't talk for a week besides a little here
and there.

I'm wondering what made other people open up and seek the healing
process. Even if he choses to not be with me, I want him to be able
to have a real relationship some day, and if I can help him in doing
so, then if anyone has suggestions I'm all ears. I just don't know if backing off is the answer or not. I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt anymore and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to try and make that happen.

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post something like this but I
commend survivors of these acts and would like to talk to other people
that have gone through it as well and see what it took for them to
seek the healing process. I can't imagine survivors have gone through
and from reading the books I've read, I know it's not easy.

Thanks you for taking the time to read this. -Meredith
 
Meridith,

My first advice to everyone I see in your situation is this: before you do anything else, you need to be totally honest with yourself about your relationship. Being with someone who is recovering from childhood sexual abuse is extremely difficult, and it can put terrible strain on a relationship. Also, CSA survivors can become abusive to their loved ones. Are you able to identify when this happens and can you deal with it? I am not trying to discourage you, but you need to know exactly what you are facing here. I assume that you, like most people, want a partner who can be your equal and who will love and cherish you. And your boyfriend may very well be that person. But you need to know that for a long time you will feel very alone while he deals with his abuse, and it might be that you will not get a lot from your relationship.

To answer your fourth paragraph, what makes us (survivors) open up better than anything else is knowing that someone believes us and cares about us. Even if you decide to end your relationship with your boyfriend, as long as you let him know that you believe him you will be a huge help to him.

Nobby
 
Meredith,

I think the first thing you need to know is that a survivor of childhood sexual abuse will often be very confused. When my T and I discussed my feelings in an early session, the only way I could describe it was a "hurricane" of feelings and emotions, all coming from everywhere at once. In that situation it really is difficult to handle further emotional input, for example from a developing relationship.

The emailing for sex online is one response to this, and it fits perfectly with his feelings that he isn't worth your attention or love. Survivors so often blame themselves for what happened to them as boys, and as a result of this they often feel worthless or have this sense that they are like aliens just playing out life as an act.

The problem is that it isn't possible to help someone who doesn't want help. In my opinion a good way to ease into a program of recovery would be for him to come here. Let him see that he isn't alone and that others have learned to talk about things he considers too shameful for words.

In the midst of all this, however, do take care of yourself as well. He will need to know that you love, believe and understand him, but he will also need a clear sense of boundaries from you. Not put to him as an ultimatum, but expressed to him as a clear idea that you have limits to what you can accept and still be with him.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you so much for responding to my post. I guess the only thing I can do is wait to talk to him this weekend and see what he has to say
 
There is also the issue of trust. He wasn't randomly grabbed by some stranger. He was violated repeatedly by someone he knew, a friend of family. He (and I) have trouble believing that anyone is completely trustworthy. Its mainly a defense mechanism: I'll drive everyone away before they get a chance to hurt me, if someone says they like me, then they must be lying or they'll change their mind as soon as they get to really know me.
 
Meredith,

Has anyone recommended a good book for you to look at? In my view the one you really need to read is Mike Lew's Victims No Longer. It really does lay out the world of the survivor in a clear and intelligent way.

Much love,
Larry
 
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