Question for partners about lack of intimacy

[WhiteRose]

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 5 months. The first weekend we met he told me that he has problems with impotence, but that he has pills which can solve 'that's problem, if you know what I mean.
The thing is, the pills sit in the bathroom cabinet, untouched. He also can't bare to kiss for more than a few seconds, any lo longer than that he pulls away.
I understand that he's nervous and needs time. We share a bed so we cuddle a lot, and I tend to be quite tactile in the day. He likes to hold hands.
But if I'm honest, sometimes it makes me very insecure, like maybe he's not that into me. And I do miss sex. I want that level of intimacy in the relationship.
Partners, how do you deal with this issue, in terms of your own emotional needs?

 

[Strangeways]

What you're going through is very common. At least you know the reason why - most partners have no idea why there's no physical intimacy from their partners and get very confused because they've been taught that men never, ever, ever turn down sex and that all men have sky-high sex drives all the time.

It is just not true. So because you know the truth, I'm sure you can also understand that his lack of intimacy has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with his history of abuse. If he had partnered up with any other woman, his reaction toward them would be exactly the same as his reaction towards you right now.

That doesn't make it easier, but it puts the problem squarely where it needs to be - on his abuse. Is he getting help for that?

 

[WhiteRose]

Hey Spectre, I get your meaning. He has a son from his first marriage so I think the impotence is more psychological than physical.

"If you miss sex have you tried couples toys? 50/50 intimate?" I have suggested it. One of the difficulties is that when I talk to him about it he acknowledges the problem and is totally in agreement that we should work toward solving it and thinks all these things are a great idea and so on... and then nothing happens. Like there's a mismatch in his head between what he wants, and what he can actually handle.

Strangeways, thank you. I know you're right, it just feels lonely at times. Plus he wasn't sexually intimate with his second wife and that relationship lapsed into a friendship and then they parted ways, so that worries me too.

I know he should get help, not just for the abuse but for a lot of other traumas he's dealing with. He has said he's open to it but we have no money for a therapist, so I'm not sure what can be done.

 

[Strangeways]

I know he should get help, not just for the abuse but for a lot of other traumas he's dealing with. He has said he's open to it but we have no money for a therapist, so I'm not sure what can be done.

Some therapists work on a sliding scale and will accept payment based on income. Some may even offer therapy pro bono. There also might be groups he could look into.

 

[WhiteRose]

Yeah no, I get that but therapy can't be the ONLY answer to every problem. For a start it's an hour a week, whereas we're with each other every day.

Besides which, my question was really for other partners on how they deal with the intimacy issues. I mean, even if he started with a therapist tomorrow he isn't going to heal overnight, so I still need to figure out how to deal with the lack of intimacy.

 

[TKingger]

I am new to this forum and looking for support and help myself. My finace was abused for about four years as a child by an older man. We have a healthy sex life but he is easily triggered and he must always initiate, which I find difficult. It's hard to basically sit around and wait for someone to want you when you want them. So, I feel your frustration and longing to feel desired and fulfilled. I do not have the answer to these issues either. In chatting with someone here, it was suggested to me that when talking sex with your partner to always use the words "we" and not "me" or 'I". Without using "we" he could become defensive or shutdown. My finace will not talk about sex, which I find extremely difficult, but every now and then we can discuss it briefly. It is hard to understand to the core that this has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. Yet, at the same time, it is because you're in a relationship. Love, patience, understanding, and support will get you both through this together. Try addressing any issues as we and a team and see if that helps at all.

 

[kmac]

I have ED pills too but the indigestion and reflux from them are a downfall.

 

[Jeremy Doe]

Hey @WhiteRose,

I agree with you that therapy isn't the only option, but I think it's part of an overall recovery approach. I think the most important thing for him is to be able to talk about. Whether that's on a forum like this, whether he has close friends, or you, that he can talk to. Whether it's journaling. It all helps. The critical piece is for him to be able to talk about it.

If he's like me, or many of the people here, he's probably kept that aspect locked up for a very long time. So long that the very idea of opening that box, sharing that information, being vulnerable, is terrifying. The shame, the internalization, the self-loathing, the confusion. All of those are very real and he needs to understand that he's not alone.

He needs an outlet that he can share and have it be a safe space where he can talk about how he feels and and know that he is safe to talk about those feelings. CSA is taboo. Sadly, and this is changing, it's more taboo for men. Our society teaches men that they're supposed to be the aggressor and when you're put into a CSA position then it's perceived as an emasculating event. And that idea and that trauma is then internalized and it becomes something that hurts a person's self worth.

That your husband told you is a good sign. Clearly he feels safe with you. What he likely needs now is your encouragement, your patience, and your understanding. ED medication and such helps with the physiological aspect of it, but you're right, his is likely psychological. When he's in those intimate situation it's possible that's its triggering for him and he has a hard time concentrating or being present in the moment. If it's anything like things I've experienced, it's easy to be taken back to a previous moment that was anything but positive and that makes it hard to maintain interest. That he's willing to take that chance says a lot. He likely has the medication so that he can still play the role that society has outlined for him.

If therapy is not an option, then making working with others who have similar experiences will help. The truth is, he probably wants to be intimate. He probably wants to be vulnerable. He probably wants everything to be the way that you want it to be. But he's not at that point yet where that is possible. The good news is that recovery and healing are possible and with the right encouragement and support, and recurrence of encouragement and support, he will begin to see that recovery and healing is possible.

Once he starts to dip his toe into that pool, he will get used to a feeling that he probably has prevented himself for feeling for years. He probably isn't even consciously blocking those feelings. But once he can experience them, little by little, it will become more comfortable for him and then I think you'll see not only an improvement in sexual activities but also intimacy over all.

When he's ready, I'd encourage him to read a book, "Victims No Longer" It has some really interesting insights and it's validating. There are also discussions about healing and recovery that show case not only that it's possible, but sort explain what that experience could look like.

Anyways, I hope it helps,
Jeremy

.

 

[TKingger]

Hey @WhiteRose,

I agree with you that therapy isn't the only option, but I think it's part of an overall recovery approach. I think the most important thing for him is to be able to talk about. Whether that's on a forum like this, whether he has close friends, or you, that he can talk to. Whether it's journaling. It all helps. The critical piece is for him to be able to talk about it.

If he's like me, or many of the people here, he's probably kept that aspect locked up for a very long time. So long that the very idea of opening that box, sharing that information, being vulnerable, is terrifying. The shame, the internalization, the self-loathing, the confusion. All of those are very real and he needs to understand that he's not alone.

He needs an outlet that he can share and have it be a safe space where he can talk about how he feels and and know that he is safe to talk about those feelings. CSA is taboo. Sadly, and this is changing, it's more taboo for men. Our society teaches men that they're supposed to be the aggressor and when you're put into a CSA position then it's perceived as an emasculating event. And that idea and that trauma is then internalized and it becomes something that hurts a person's self worth.

That your husband told you is a good sign. Clearly he feels safe with you. What he likely needs now is your encouragement, your patience, and your understanding. ED medication and such helps with the physiological aspect of it, but you're right, his is likely psychological. When he's in those intimate situation it's possible that's its triggering for him and he has a hard time concentrating or being present in the moment. If it's anything like things I've experienced, it's easy to be taken back to a previous moment that was anything but positive and that makes it hard to maintain interest. That he's willing to take that chance says a lot. He likely has the medication so that he can still play the role that society has outlined for him.

If therapy is not an option, then making working with others who have similar experiences will help. The truth is, he probably wants to be intimate. He probably wants to be vulnerable. He probably wants everything to be the way that you want it to be. But he's not at that point yet where that is possible. The good news is that recovery and healing are possible and with the right encouragement and support, and recurrence of encouragement and support, he will begin to see that recovery and healing is possible.

Once he starts to dip his toe into that pool, he will get used to a feeling that he probably has prevented himself for feeling for years. He probably isn't even consciously blocking those feelings. But once he can experience them, little by little, it will become more comfortable for him and then I think you'll see not only an improvement in sexual activities but also intimacy over all.

When he's ready, I'd encourage him to read a book, "Victims No Longer" It has some really interesting insights and it's validating. There are also discussions about healing and recovery that show case not that it's possible, but sort explain what that experience could look like.

Anyways, I hope it helps,
Jeremy

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Thank you for your posts and insights. I am very appreciative that he shared his story with me (some of it) and how much he must trust me to do so. I do agree he locked it up for many years. He carried a lot of anger and spent years drinking and fighting and womanizing until things exploded to the point that he got himself into therapy. I'd like to think he wants to be close and more intimate, but I dont know if thats true. I know he feels that I lose out or am missing out of things because of his past and its not my fault and its not fair, but theres nothing he can do about it. I will always be patient, loving and caring. He is my whole world and my future. I will always be there for him and to help him. I dont know how to obtain the same for myself in return.

 

[Jeremy Doe]

Thank you for your posts and insights. I am very appreciative that he shared his story with me (some of it) and how much he must trust me to do so. I do agree he locked it up for many years. He carried a lot of anger and spent years drinking and fighting and womanizing until things exploded to the point that he got himself into therapy. I'd like to think he wants to be close and more intimate, but I dont know if thats true. I know he feels that I lose out or am missing out of things because of his past and its not my fault and its not fair, but theres nothing he can do about it. I will always be patient, loving and caring. He is my whole world and my future. I will always be there for him and to help him. I dont know how to obtain the same for myself in return.

Hey TKingger,
If you’re experience is anything like my wife’s, then you’re definitely missing out on something. And he’s right in that it’s not fair. I’d challenge the fact that there’s nothing he can do about it. It may not be intentional and in that case it’s not something he’s actively doing. But healing and recovery are possible.
Unfortunately, it’s not something that can be done overnight. It’s also something that is hard and terrifying. You have to revisit times of your past that you really want to forget. Then you have to make meaning of what was lost because of the abuse. And then you have to find a way to acknowledge that loss and find a way to be okay with that loss.
For me, losing a childhood was probably the hardest. I never got the opportunity to have All those experiences growing up. I got older sure, but growing. That’s was all mired in guilt and shame and fear and that is really hard to embrace.
I only say that because your husband experienced some profound losses. Losses to dignity, and security, losses to the rights of his body, and his mind. Losses in life experiences that can never be gotten back. So many losses. And those all have to be addressed.
It warms my heart to see your commitment your willingness to be patient. It’s never too late for a relationship dynamic to grow and change and improve. Your willingness to put in the time says a lot about you and that makes your husband a lucky person.
Making sure he knows he’s not alone. That you’re there and that you believe him will mean the world. You’re understanding as he begins to put together the missing pieces and coming to terms with just how much he lost will also help.

Wishing you and your husband the best,
Jeremy

 

[TKingger]

Hey TKingger,
If you’re experience is anything like my wife’s, then you’re definitely missing out on something. And he’s right in that it’s not fair. I’d challenge the fact that there’s nothing he can do about it. It may not be intentional and in that case it’s not something he’s actively doing. But healing and recovery are possible.
Unfortunately, it’s not something that can be done overnight. It’s also something that is hard and terrifying. You have to revisit times of your past that you really want to forget. Then you have to make meaning of what was lost because of the abuse. And then you have to find a way to acknowledge that loss and find a way to be okay with that loss.
For me, losing a childhood was probably the hardest. I never got the opportunity to have All those experiences growing up. I got older sure, but growing. That’s was all mired in guilt and shame and fear and that is really hard to embrace.
I only say that because your husband experienced some profound losses. Losses to dignity, and security, losses to the rights of his body, and his mind. Losses in life experiences that can never be gotten back. So many losses. And those all have to be addressed.
It warms my heart to see your commitment your willingness to be patient. It’s never too late for a relationship dynamic to grow and change and improve. Your willingness to put in the time says a lot about you and that makes your husband a lucky person.
Making sure he knows he’s not alone. That you’re there and that you believe him will mean the world. You’re understanding as he begins to put together the missing pieces and coming to terms with just how much he lost will also help.

Wishing you and your husband the best,
Jeremy

I very much appreciate your kind words. I honestly do feel I am missing out of my great experiences with him and I know he knows that too, which cant be easy for him. I do my best to accept there are certain things I will never have with him because of his past. I do need help accepting it at times and being okay with my loss now because of all of his losses then. My heart utterly breaks for him and what he went through. And how those experiences lead him down such a destructive road in his life. Hes worked hard to get his life together and hes done very well. And I am proud of him and of the man hes become. I feel guilty admitting that its a struggle for me at times, but it is. Its not fair to me to suffer because of his past, but here we are. How do I deal with those feelings?

 

[Jeremy Doe]

I very much appreciate your kind words. I honestly do feel I am missing out of my great experiences with him and I know he knows that too, which cant be easy for him. I do my best to accept there are certain things I will never have with him because of his past. I do need help accepting it at times and being okay with my loss now because of all of his losses then. My heart utterly breaks for him and what he went through. And how those experiences lead him down such a destructive road in his life. Hes worked hard to get his life together and hes done very well. And I am proud of him and of the man hes become. I feel guilty admitting that its a struggle for me at times, but it is. Its not fair to me to suffer because of his past, but here we are. How do I deal with those feelings?

Just remember to never give up hope of having those things. Just because you haven't got those things yet, doesn't mean you never will. Recovery and healing are powerful things and when it happens, you'll be surprised how it can transform a person and their experiences. You can still have those experiences that you want. It may just be on a different time scale than you'd expect or that you deserve. As long as you two are together, there is hope.

And don't feel guilty. You're doing the best you can with the tools that you possess and the information you have. These subjects are quite taboo in our society and they're often spoken of in a hushed tone of secrecy that silences people before they even speak. Imagine if we did the same for a broken bone, or a visible injury. It's no good and guilt never goes anywhere good. Take solace in the fact you're there by his side helping in through this struggle. And take pride in the fact that your patience and perseverance probably means more to him than you could ever know.

As for how to deal with those feelings... that is is the question. I wish I had an answer for you. One thing I do and have found some success with is acknowledging that those feelings exist. Acknowledging where those feelings come from and the source. And acknowledging why they're important to you and how they impact you. Once you have that, then it's comes down to being honest with your husband with where you are and working through it together. But be sure to acknowledge that it is a struggle for you too and that is okay. There's nothing wrong with that. His pain doesn't negate yours and more than yours negates his. They're both acceptable and you both have the right to the full range of your emotions.

It's not right for you to put your life on hold for him anymore than it's right for him to push through all the pain and move on. At some point you'll have to come to terms with what it is you want in the relationship and what can realistically be achieved and when and then it's about accepting the outcome, whatever that outcome is.

I can tell he means the world to you and that he told you tells me you mean the world to him. Now it's about the hard work of recovery and trying to establish a new normal in your relationship. The old relationship you had is gone now. Now you get to use that as a foundation for something better, stronger, and based on more intimacy.

Unfortunately, that's a lot easier said than done. My wife and I are still trying to decide what that would look like and we can get to that work once we understand how to communicate around what was shared. It's not a no-win situation, but it's a lot more complicated on the inside than it is when viewed from the outside.

 

[TKingger]

Sounds like I need to be confident that my feelings matter too and we have to work as a team to get through whatever comes up or effects our relationship from his past. Its hard to accept that my own feelings matter when he was the victim. It feels strange. I was feeling low as though I did have to simply accept that the things missing in our relationship could still happen in time. I dont want to have too much hope though. Hope is fragile and can break your heart. I have to be very careful.

Does it make sense that sometimes I feel slightly controlled? My finance is not a controlling person, however I'm noticing that I cant do this or that because it will trigger him. Listening to stories from his past and the things he avoids or positions he wont put himself in or doesnt want me or us in because it is a trigger. It feels almost like conditioning. Hes not controlling me per say but hes controlling his environment to avoid triggers. I am a big part of his environment. He doesnt tell me what to do or wear or anything like that. Does that make sense? Hes not controlling but I feel conditioned.

 

[Jeremy Doe]

Oh it absolutely makes sense and your feeling absolutely matter. It's the difference between he and you working on it vs. him working with a therapist. You're an equal player in the dynamic of your relationship. Had he been interacting with a therapist, it would be all about him. And he maybe, not to say that he's not.

But yes, your feelings do matter. Half the relationship is made up of you. They absolutely matter. And so do his. That's why communication is so crucial. Communication of feelings are key. He's probably been in a space for many years where he has bottled up those feelings and doesn't know how to communicate them. That's understandable and it's also true that in order for him to show up in the relationship he's going to have to develop more comfort expressing those feelings.

The tricky balancing act is being able to communicate ones own feelings in an authentic, honest, and sincere way, while also being receptive to the feelings of the other person. But it's possible. Relationships all the time are able to communicate on that level and it's an empowering place to be.

As for being controlled, I can see what you're talking about there too. And that one is going to be a challenge. To give you some background, for years and years, I tried to control everything. I tried to control my behavior, my emotions, the way that others perceive me, and the way that others interacted with me. I did that because it's how I felt safe. I see now though how that caused lots of damage in my marriage and my relationships with other people. When you control so much, you limit the other person in being authentic. So the options are to sever the relationship, to not have control, or to give up control. And giving up control is hard.

But at some point, he's going to have to. He's going to have to recognize that things will trigger him. Over time those triggers will become less intense. But at the same time it does come down to choice and he has to choose what he's going to allow to trigger him. Him being aware of himself being triggered and verbalizing that, hopefully prior to being triggered, is going to be key. Then he can ask himself what about the interaction is triggering. Because that's really the heart of the matter. It's not your actions. It's his perception and internalization of your actions that's the real issue, as longs as your actions are in good faith and not intended to be hurtful. To me it doesn't sound like they are. In any case, we can also chat through particular scenarios and I can give you my thoughts there.

You have a good read on the situation. I think you would be well in your right to ask him, "what about X is triggering?" Follow up with "why is that triggering, and what feelings is it bringing up?" Triggering means different things to different people. Does it create anxiety, is it a fear response, is it anger, is it sadness? There's so much more, but putting it under the bucket of "trigger" obfuscates the emotion behind it. Once you can label that emotion, then ask, "so what can we do in this case to do this and for it not to be triggering?" He may not have an answer. But to move on the path of recovery and healing, eventually he will need to be able to answer that question.


I hope it helps, I know that got a little long winded. Thank you again for being such a stalwart supporter. Even if you don't hear it from him, just know that those efforts are not overlooked and not unappreciated.


Jeremy

 

[TKingger]

You know, I never thought to ask him what feelings he got when he was triggered. That may help both of us to understand. He may know already, but not sharing his feelings.

Hes told me his last few relationships he shared what happened to him with his exes and they did not react well. Either got mad and told him it wasnt their fault so why are they paying the price. Or told he'd never be able to trust anyone. He said that I'm the first person to ever make him feel supported and understood. I want to make sure that I approach having my feelings heard and taken into consideration without him feeling blamed or accused in some way. I do not know if he made his exes feel as though their feelings didnt matter or not and if he did, I'm sure thats not something he will admit to me. But I dont think that was the case. I think hes more, if you're with me, this is how it is and it's no ones fault. But it has to be accepted.

Ive noticed that hes very homophobic. He is very uncomfortable with gay men or seeing anything on the tv. Two men kissing on a tv show, for example, makes him sick and he has to change the channel. We were sock shopping a few days ago and he said he refused to wear fruit of a loom because the word "Fruit" was there. He wouldnt walk on a crosswalk because it was painted in the gay pride colours. He said hes not gay so he wont walk on it. Could he secretly be gay? I don't believe he is. He would have to be an awfully good actor, but he seems hyper homophobic. Would he feel the need to constantly prove his masculinity because part of that was taken from him at a young age?

What you say about control makes sense. I think he tries to control his environment as much as possible to avoid bad thoughts and feelings. In doing so, I'm starting to feel restricted and that I'm not being my authentic self. For example, he says telling him "I love you" and "I'm proud of you" makes him uncomfortable bc I say it too much. I cant kiss him on the cheek, thats a trigger. To me kissing on the cheek is such a simple and loving sign of affection and admiration. I cant wear velvet or corduroy. The man that molested him wore those clothes. I'm happy to do what I can to not trigger him and make sure hes comfortable but it feels like the list just keeps growing and growing and I tend to get lost in my thoughts when we are together anxious about making sure I'm not doing one of the 20 things on that list. Any advice there?

​

 

[MO-Survivor]

Ive noticed that hes very homophobic. He is very uncomfortable with gay men or seeing anything on the tv. Two men kissing on a tv show, for example, makes him sick and he has to change the channel. We were sock shopping a few days ago and he said he refused to wear fruit of a loom because the word "Fruit" was there. He wouldnt walk on a crosswalk because it was painted in the gay pride colours. He said hes not gay so he wont walk on it. Could he secretly be gay? I don't believe he is. He would have to be an awfully good actor, but he seems hyper homophobic. Would he feel the need to constantly prove his masculinity because part of that was taken from him at a young age?

What you say about control makes sense. I think he tries to control his environment as much as possible to avoid bad thoughts and feelings. In doing so, I'm starting to feel restricted and that I'm not being my authentic self. For example, he says telling him "I love you" and "I'm proud of you" makes him uncomfortable bc I say it too much. I cant kiss him on the cheek, thats a trigger. To me kissing on the cheek is such a simple and loving sign of affection and admiration. I cant wear velvet or corduroy. The man that molested him wore those clothes. I'm happy to do what I can to not trigger him and make sure hes comfortable but it feels like the list just keeps growing and growing and I tend to get lost in my thoughts when we are together anxious about making sure I'm not doing one of the 20 things on that list. Any advice there?

@TKingger, I'm going to be a bit more straightforward than I have been before. I hope that's okay.

So I'm not sure why you keep bringing up the fact he is homophobic? I've tried to explain before the possible reasons there - and for CSA survivors, where sexual identity issues exist because of what happened, it is not usually a straightforward answer as: "Yes, he's probably gay." Or: "Since he's had lots of female partners in the past, and you have an active sex life, he's hetero." Are you afraid you will get married and one day he will wake up and tell you he's gay, and leave you? I'm not going to say that hasn't ever happened before but the world of "what-ifs" is just that: unknown. So you can either bluntly bring it up with him, and risk him walking away because he's deeply offended and feels the trust he thought was there isn't, or you can continue down the path you are on and continue to try and build on what you have. Only you can decide whether this is big enough of a question in your mind that you need to address it with him. No one here can answer your question for you.

Also, I caution every man and woman on this site about giving advice. Your situation is unique. Your fiancé and his experiences are unique. Our experiences are unique. And yours are as well. We are happy to share our experiences and issues to try to lend some insight and perspective, but even when we say something that sounds like it makes sense to your situation - be careful, because it might not. You are closest to the situation and honestly can be the best judge in response to your questions. How to manage his triggers in sexual situations - that's something you and your fiancé have to communicate about and sort through. If he can't do that now - it doesn't mean he won't ever be able to. But... you have to decide how you want to proceed because there is the possibility he will never choose to communicate and sort through it.

No one here wants to "throw away" your fiancé (a fellow survivor) as a hopeless cause, because for every survivor there is hope. At the same time, you obviously have concerns and cautions about your future. And no one here wants to see you walk into a bad situation. So therein is the dilemma and rationale for people here not giving you advice

 

[TKingger]

I understand and thank you.

 

[Jeremy Doe]

Hey @TKingger ,

To follow up and @MO-Survivor makes some really good points. When it comes to advice, anyone without all the information or all the pieces and inadvertently give advice, while well intentioned, turns out to be unhelpful. In the end, it does come down to you, your needs, your wants, you expectations, and your boundaries. And all those factors have to be considered with your fiancé's needs, wants, expectations and boundaries. Only when you have a good understanding of both of those, will you be in a place where you can make an informed decision. It's going to be a journey, and it's to require, trust, honestly, vulnerability, and communication. There's no way to avoid that. The only thing we can offer is a perspective based on the information we know and our own histories.

There's a lot that you mentioned though that should be unpacked and sorted through. At some point you're both going to have to sit down with your backpacks full of history and pull it all out and sort through it.

Homophobia more often than not stems from fear. Fear of being gay, fear that a gay person would hurt him. Fear that associating with gay people will impact social standing, fear fear fear. I will add that there is no link between homosexuality and CSA. So if there is a fear about that, he will need to work those things out. CSA can delay a person coming into their own sexual identity by decades. Without knowing all the things, I would guess that there are still unsorted questions for him personally, whether he wants to admit them or not. I know personally, I had a lot of questions of that same vein and my outlook and response was very similar if not to the same degree.

As for a need to project masculinity, that is a cultural phenomenon that males experience. Throughout our upbringing, as males, everything could threaten masculinity and men have a way of policing other men to prove out who's the most masculine. A violation like that with CSA gets internalized and has a profound impact on how we see ourselves as masculine. The doubt, the shame, the culture, the norms, all of that plays a role. There's two books that it might be good for you and him to read. Man Enough by Justin Baldoni, and his podcast of the same name, and Dude, You're a Fag, by C.J. Pascoe. The latter, I'd only suggest if he's in a relatively secure place and the word doesn't bother him. Both of these provide a really interesting perspective on not just the social construct of gender, but the double standards and unspoken rules that most people don't realize impact the other gender. They're an eye opening read.

In any case, there are a lot of question marks that get raised that deserve answers. You deserve answers and he deserves answers. And then you have to be honest with yourself about where you are and what you need. You admission to yourself that you need something NOW that he cannot give you NOW is not a reflection on you. It's not a judgement. It's not a reflection on him. It's just the world. It's your world and it's his world and you have to be able to decide with adamant and enthusiastic affirmation that you are willing to get the best of both worlds. Recently I read that, "if you give anything other than an enthusiastic yes, then you're in fact giving a resentful yes and that resentfulness will build and fester, and in end you should have just given a no.

To MO's point. No one here wants to discard a fellow survivor as a lost cause. But we'd all agree that a relationship established between two emotionally healthy people is better than one built on omissions, deceptions, and unacceptable compromise. You've raised some questions and I think you deserve answers to those questions. And whether he is in a place where he can provide the answers and the support you need. Only you can decide that.


Hope it helps,
Jeremy

 

[TKingger]

Thank you for your insights. I will never give up on my finace. Hes a good man and hes worth the fight. I'm just trying to understand and navigate the waters best I can as well as care for myself in our process. I've ordered some of the books thats been recommended to me on the forum and looking forward gaining a better perspective and learn to be a better support system for him and for me.

 

[MO-Survivor]

Thank you for your insights. I will never give up on my finace. Hes a good man and hes worth the fight. I'm just trying to understand and navigate the waters best I can as well as care for myself in our process. I've ordered some of the books thats been recommended to me on the forum and looking forward gaining a better perspective and learn to be a better support system for him and for me.

Awesome. You are a good woman