"My parents did not hear my cry when I was abused sexually." My heart really goes out to you Ferguson. I pray healing upon your heart, bro.I ask myself that too (and why I can't experience feeling loved by Him)
I compulsively try and save myself: introspective self analysis > leading to self hatred and fear
I built such tall walls/defences for survival in childhood that are now my prisons.
I'm not through letting The Maker into all the abuse memories yet, but I know the years of energy I spent building walls against being hurt by my dad (who did not sexually abuse me) and others, is also why I push The Maker away too. I've seen loads more this last 6 weeks about this. The walls only got much larger when my parents did not hear my cry when I was abused sexually. I didn't bother to tell them about the bullying. I was taught emotions were bad. My parents would say such and such spoilt the funeral by crying. I need lots of miracles to demolish these walls!
I vowed "I will never ask my dad for anything" > I'm seeing how that gets in the way of asking the Heavenly Father.
We often focus on the CSA or other obvious abuse but other traumas/wounds need to be worked on too with His help.
It is no quick fix!
Help is on the way.
But I still ask the question.....
Yep, self-hatred and fear...walls/defenses...that are now my prisons.
A really holy woman of God privately asked me one morning why I am so immature. (It was without malice. This person has only my well being at heart.) And in my true immature style I replied laughing (smiling and laughing is my smoke screen) that it is never too late to grow. But the truth is that since the abuse, I look at others - men, women, my peers, with great anxiety. If I can, I avoid situations where I might be thrown into a group, especially a large group. How in the world am I supposed to grow in maturity and holiness if I live in fear and anxiety of the world around me? I would love to join a group of my peers and converse easily, but my anxiety hits the ceiling. I feel I only come across as weird which only makes matters worse. There were times as in college when my anxiety was so severe that I felt like I had gasoline running through my veins.
My dad. I could not have been given a worse enemy in life. A commandant of a Nazi death labor camp would have been better. At least those victims knew who their enemy was from the beginning. I spent time in prayer with each memory forgiving my dad. I would recall a memory and pray, "in the name of Jesus, I forgive you, dad." Little by little the forgiveness took root in my heart. I pity him. This makes me think of the Al-Anon main text book which says of forgiveness, "Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for nobody but ourselves." It makes me laugh, but yea, it is true. I am the one who has benefited from this grace.
I was bullied too, in 5th grade. It was the year from hell. I went from a public school to a private school and man, did I take a beating. I was the class pick on. Of course the "kick me" sign I wore on my back did not help. I think my peers saw my many forms of self-hate and were more than happy to accommodate me. I spent the entire year hiding in the bathroom stalls crying. I included those moments in my healing of memories too, forgiving the individuals involved in that traumatic year.
Thank you Ferguson. Your post really made me think about things. I feel a little better connecting with you.