Question for Christian Survivors

Piepel

Registrant
I ask myself that too (and why I can't experience feeling loved by Him)

I compulsively try and save myself: introspective self analysis > leading to self hatred and fear
I built such tall walls/defences for survival in childhood that are now my prisons.
I'm not through letting The Maker into all the abuse memories yet, but I know the years of energy I spent building walls against being hurt by my dad (who did not sexually abuse me) and others, is also why I push The Maker away too. I've seen loads more this last 6 weeks about this. The walls only got much larger when my parents did not hear my cry when I was abused sexually. I didn't bother to tell them about the bullying. I was taught emotions were bad. My parents would say such and such spoilt the funeral by crying. I need lots of miracles to demolish these walls!
I vowed "I will never ask my dad for anything" > I'm seeing how that gets in the way of asking the Heavenly Father.

We often focus on the CSA or other obvious abuse but other traumas/wounds need to be worked on too with His help.

It is no quick fix!

Help is on the way.

But I still ask the question.....
"My parents did not hear my cry when I was abused sexually." My heart really goes out to you Ferguson. I pray healing upon your heart, bro.

Yep, self-hatred and fear...walls/defenses...that are now my prisons.
A really holy woman of God privately asked me one morning why I am so immature. (It was without malice. This person has only my well being at heart.) And in my true immature style I replied laughing (smiling and laughing is my smoke screen) that it is never too late to grow. But the truth is that since the abuse, I look at others - men, women, my peers, with great anxiety. If I can, I avoid situations where I might be thrown into a group, especially a large group. How in the world am I supposed to grow in maturity and holiness if I live in fear and anxiety of the world around me? I would love to join a group of my peers and converse easily, but my anxiety hits the ceiling. I feel I only come across as weird which only makes matters worse. There were times as in college when my anxiety was so severe that I felt like I had gasoline running through my veins.

My dad. I could not have been given a worse enemy in life. A commandant of a Nazi death labor camp would have been better. At least those victims knew who their enemy was from the beginning. I spent time in prayer with each memory forgiving my dad. I would recall a memory and pray, "in the name of Jesus, I forgive you, dad." Little by little the forgiveness took root in my heart. I pity him. This makes me think of the Al-Anon main text book which says of forgiveness, "Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for nobody but ourselves." It makes me laugh, but yea, it is true. I am the one who has benefited from this grace.

I was bullied too, in 5th grade. It was the year from hell. I went from a public school to a private school and man, did I take a beating. I was the class pick on. Of course the "kick me" sign I wore on my back did not help. I think my peers saw my many forms of self-hate and were more than happy to accommodate me. I spent the entire year hiding in the bathroom stalls crying. I included those moments in my healing of memories too, forgiving the individuals involved in that traumatic year.

Thank you Ferguson. Your post really made me think about things. I feel a little better connecting with you.
 

Ferguson

Registrant
"My parents did not hear my cry when I was abused sexually." My heart really goes out to you Ferguson. I pray healing upon your heart, bro.

Yep, self-hatred and fear...walls/defenses...that are now my prisons.
A really holy woman of God privately asked me one morning why I am so immature. (It was without malice. This person has only my well being at heart.) And in my true immature style I replied laughing (smiling and laughing is my smoke screen) that it is never too late to grow. But the truth is that since the abuse, I look at others - men, women, my peers, with great anxiety. If I can, I avoid situations where I might be thrown into a group, especially a large group. How in the world am I supposed to grow in maturity and holiness if I live in fear and anxiety of the world around me? I would love to join a group of my peers and converse easily, but my anxiety hits the ceiling. I feel I only come across as weird which only makes matters worse. There were times as in college when my anxiety was so severe that I felt like I had gasoline running through my veins.

My dad. I could not have been given a worse enemy in life. A commandant of a Nazi death labor camp would have been better. At least those victims knew who their enemy was from the beginning. I spent time in prayer with each memory forgiving my dad. I would recall a memory and pray, "in the name of Jesus, I forgive you, dad." Little by little the forgiveness took root in my heart. I pity him. This makes me think of the Al-Anon main text book which says of forgiveness, "Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for nobody but ourselves." It makes me laugh, but yea, it is true. I am the one who has benefited from this grace.

I was bullied too, in 5th grade. It was the year from hell. I went from a public school to a private school and man, did I take a beating. I was the class pick on. Of course the "kick me" sign I wore on my back did not help. I think my peers saw my many forms of self-hate and were more than happy to accommodate me. I spent the entire year hiding in the bathroom stalls crying. I included those moments in my healing of memories too, forgiving the individuals involved in that traumatic year.

Thank you Ferguson. Your post really made me think about things. I feel a little better connecting with you.
Thank you Piepel - pleased to connect.

I had thought I'd done all the forgiving of my dad - but loads more memories/feelings have come to the surface in the last 2 months especially with the help of my new T. I have done some amazing mind tricks to avoid the pain - it is amazing. I don't know why my dad hated me but what love he did have for us children, did not feel worth waiting around for. It would have been easier if he had been obviously evil (as you described). I just don't know what honouring him means in terms of effort to connect now. I suppose I will wait until this latest batch of forgiveness is done and see.....

Thanks
 

Piepel

Registrant
Hey Ferguson, I too had to repeat the process of forgiveness towards my dad when my flashbacks began in my mid 40's. That's when everything came together and I understood what he had done. However, I have severed all contact with him. It would be an act of violence against myself to connect with him. It would be an act of self-hate. I would be using him to reinforce a negative self image that I am worthless. He is not repentant. I forgive him. I pray for him everyday. I do not badmouth him to my family members. I pity him. In this way I love and honor him as my father.
 
Hey Ferguson, I too had to repeat the process of forgiveness towards my dad when my flashbacks began in my mid 40's. That's when everything came together and I understood what he had done. However, I have severed all contact with him. It would be an act of violence against myself to connect with him. It would be an act of self-hate. I would be using him to reinforce a negative self image that I am worthless. He is not repentant. I forgive him. I pray for him everyday. I do not badmouth him to my family members. I pity him. In this way I love and honor him as my father.
@Piepel well done setting boundaries with your dad. i have been surprised at people who are still in contact with unrepentant family perps or other family members who defend them.

honoring our parents looks different for each of us. but i don’t believe it means letting them continue to hurt us.
 

Piepel

Registrant
@Piepel well done setting boundaries with your dad. i have been surprised at people who are still in contact with unrepentant family perps or other family members who defend them.

honoring our parents looks different for each of us. but i don’t believe it means letting them continue to hurt us.
yes, I agree totally.
 

Ferguson

Registrant
Hey Ferguson, I too had to repeat the process of forgiveness towards my dad when my flashbacks began in my mid 40's. That's when everything came together and I understood what he had done. However, I have severed all contact with him. It would be an act of violence against myself to connect with him. It would be an act of self-hate. I would be using him to reinforce a negative self image that I am worthless. He is not repentant. I forgive him. I pray for him everyday. I do not badmouth him to my family members. I pity him. In this way I love and honor him as my father.
Thanks you.

I can't imagine what it is like to have a dad who would/could sexually abuse me. (I have read many stories hear but It is completely outside of my experience) - it is almost the exact opposite - a total lack of interest in me at all. (at least the real me)
I have had such trouble letting my Higher Power near me! For so long! How much more it must be difficult for those of you who have had a dad/father do the unthinkable.

Great session with my new T this am: The ice of 50 years is melting!! I'm expecting to be able to let my Higher Power approach me and accept love from Him. I have been trying to believe I'm loved - I've been told it for 35 years - I was really beginning to accept that I would never feel loved from Above.

I am not trying to work out boundaries with my dad at the moment as I'm working through so much - I'll think about when it has all died down a bit.

Be Well
 
Thanks you.

I can't imagine what it is like to have a dad who would/could sexually abuse me. (I have read many stories hear but It is completely outside of my experience) - it is almost the exact opposite - a total lack of interest in me at all. (at least the real me)
I have had such trouble letting my Higher Power near me! For so long! How much more it must be difficult for those of you who have had a dad/father do the unthinkable.

Great session with my new T this am: The ice of 50 years is melting!! I'm expecting to be able to let my Higher Power approach me and accept love from Him. I have been trying to believe I'm loved - I've been told it for 35 years - I was really beginning to accept that I would never feel loved from Above.

I am not trying to work out boundaries with my dad at the moment as I'm working through so much - I'll think about when it has all died down a bit.

Be Well
@FERGSON oh my goodness. every word u wrote i could have written.

i started therapy this fall with a request to my T for help embracing my identity as Beloved Son. Through it i realized that my dad is a narcissist with a low emotional intelligence (highly intelligent otherwise). he just didn’t care about me when i was a kid and told me once he likes kids older (presumably because they can express interest in him). i would like to figure out a relationship with him but it is low on my list. given his advanced age i suspect we will never reconcile.

My T helped me see that my CSA was more impactful on my life than i have admitted and an impediment to understanding that my higher power loves me. so i am working on that.

thanks for your post.
 
For so long! How much more it must be difficult for those of you who have had a dad/father do the unthinkable.
Yes I had a lot of Father-God issues for years. I have finally made peace with that aspect of him and we have a good relationship now. Becoming a father to my own kids helped with this tremendously!
 

Piepel

Registrant
Thanks you.

I can't imagine what it is like to have a dad who would/could sexually abuse me. (I have read many stories hear but It is completely outside of my experience) - it is almost the exact opposite - a total lack of interest in me at all. (at least the real me)
I have had such trouble letting my Higher Power near me! For so long! How much more it must be difficult for those of you who have had a dad/father do the unthinkable.

Great session with my new T this am: The ice of 50 years is melting!! I'm expecting to be able to let my Higher Power approach me and accept love from Him. I have been trying to believe I'm loved - I've been told it for 35 years - I was really beginning to accept that I would never feel loved from Above.

I am not trying to work out boundaries with my dad at the moment as I'm working through so much - I'll think about when it has all died down a bit.

Be Well
Hey Ferguson. I am sorry your father missed his chance for a loving relationship with you. I honestly don't give much thought to my dad or his parenting skills. He was totally involved with his three sons. We spent summers with him and he gave us his full attention. We would have had fond memories of wild ex-hippy except for the incestuous environment and the occasional sexual harassment and sexual abuse. I would liken him to the predator who grooms his victims. These people seem to go all out, don't they?

Decades later, when my dad was jailed for sexual assault of two little children, he was court ordered to therapy. My two brothers were brought into that process, but for some reason, I was not included. Well I was living on the other side of the country, but I would have liked to have had some input. The therapy had no lasting effect other than to get him off the sex offender registry. He is very much the same person he always was. He obeys the laws regarding proximity to children, but he is like a wolf behind bars.

So my dad missed the opportunity for a loving relationship with me as well. That is his loss. I no longer belong to him. I have my Father in God whom I belonged to before I was put on loan to my earthly father. I was found by my heavenly Father. My personal relationship with Him is exactly what I need and want. I am very glad for it.
ciao bro!
 

Ferguson

Registrant
Thank you for your responses - I really value this kind of support: 'spread out' support / not all my eggs in one basket - one poor man after the other who I used to expect too much from ...........

Brian 1984-1987 - who I became a Christian through when I was 20 (died about 20 years ago) - If I was to talk with him I would say: thank you for what you managed to pass on - No I was not trying to have sex with you that last day I disappeared off when I touched you on your knee and you recoiled like I had the plague - I was desperate and the "quick fix" you believed in was not working for me. The Maker has looked after me and I imagine you wanted to do your best. I forgive you.

Pete 1988-1989 - who helped me so much but then tried to have sex with me! I forgive you too.

John 1992 - 1993 - You showed me so much - No I was never a danger to you - Yes I was angry but I always turned that on myself.

ETC - many others for much shorter moments.

Mostly I've been in the wilderness with Yeshua

I am so thankful that The Maker has been faithful.

Much thanks men.
 
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abused9

Registrant
I talked in another post about the first time I shared with some friends about what happened. I told part of the story with a question here about another part of the story. At the end of our prayer time, my friends encouraged me to invite Jesus into the basement where it happened. I wouldn't. I couldn't. The eight year old boy in me doesn't want him to see that, doesn't want him to be disappointed. (I know that He is outside space and time and already saw it. But the 8 year old in my thinks if I don't invite him into that space he won't see what happened.) Anyway, I realized I feel betrayed by Jesus and his failure to stop it. When they invited me to talk to Jesus I exploded in anger hurling expletives at him.

I am reeling. After following Jesus for 35 years, I feel disconnected and untethered. I know he is the only one who can lead me through this but I don't trust him. We have hit a rough patch in our relationship but I am confident I will get to a better place with him...eventually. For now I am talking to the Holy Spirit. I realize they are the same thing but it is the best I can do.

I talked to my pastor who encouraged me to wrestle with why a good God allows evil to happen. So my question is this, for the followers of Jesus in this forum how have you wrestled with this?
I just can't get there yet, perhaps some day. I wish.
 

Borjoyzee

New Registrant
I am by no means an expert on this topic of why God lets bad things happen, but from my personal experience researching what happened to my family. I have come to the conclusion that while God see and knows everything, he does not stop bad things because that would ruin our free will. If he did stop the bad things from happening then nobody would be able to act on their own free will because you cannot see all the consequences of your actions. I know some of the things I thought were very good ideas ended up hurting people I did not think about and those are just the things I have found out. I know there is a lot more hurt I have caused than I will ever know about.


Also broken/damage individuals have to have the chance to try things out and learn that God loves them. The only way to do that is to let them stay alive. Of course if you love someone for who they are, you have to love all of them. Even the bad parts. No exceptions..... And I have found that hurt people end up hurting others without trying to a lot. My trauma has caused me to hurt all of my kids emotionally, and now I am having to try to repair that damage. Some of them won't talk to me so I may not ever be able to repair it. It is a cycle that is really hard to break. But if God did not let me act in a bad way, I would have never figured out what my issues are, how to fix them, or be any type of dad to my kids. I am broken and doing the best I can. I am extremely happy that I started address my issues without sexually traumatizing anyone else. I thank God every day for that, because several people in my extended family did not.


Some examples: My dad, a narcissist and low emotional intelligence with a Masters in Electrical Engineering was sent home to die at 2 days old. He was a premature baby in the 1950 and his mother had already lost 4 other kids(RH incompatibility between parents). She could not handle losing another child so his dad had to take care of him. He lived off goats milk and was kept warm in my grandpa's sock draw for the first 6 months. Grandma basically had nothing to do with my dad until age 5 when she was sure he would survive. Since I am here, he made it, but he has brain damage and attachment issues that he won't address. I am sure he has more issues, but those are the ones he will somewhat admit. He has caused major emotional damage to all of his kids, grandkids, neighbors,etc, but he has gotten better at a slow rate. We had to setup boundaries that allow him the grace to function in his limited emotional capacity and still keep everyone safe. Before those boundaries were setup, my dad caused a lot of emotional damage to everyone around him. Now he is growing closer to God and getting a lot more enjoyment out of life. If God had put a hard stop to those behaviors: I would never have been born, and two my dad would never have a chance at getting better or knowing God.


My uncle was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 24. He was in college on his final semester and just snapped. It took him 35 years to find God again and attempt to right the wrongs he created. During those 35 years, he did a lot of damage: he sexually abuse me, my siblings, a few cousins, and one aunt. After he found God again, we found out that he was sexually abused as a child(he would never tells anyone by who), and then raped in college a few weeks before he just snapped. The stress was too much for him. He did write me a letter apologizing for anything he could remember a few years ago which is why I know so much about him and that he is sorry for everything he did. He is dead now, and I cannot help feel anger and compassion at the person who abused him. I still feel very sad at the fact that my uncle lost his whole life from events outside his control.
 
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