Question for Christian Survivors

I need some technical advice for this site. I see other people have code names and images identifying them when they post. Mine seems to be sharing my full name. How do I switch to something more private?
I assumed it wasn’t your real name. If you get admin to change it, it should be retroactive on your posts. I don’t know how quotes work...
 

Piepel

Registrant
SDD757 - Sorry, I don't know how to copy what you wrote as you do to respond to a post. I would like to respond to your 6:12pm post. I read an account of a woman who was in a really miserable state. I'll spare you the details, but it was really grievous. She spoke to Jesus asking Him to have mercy on her. His response was,
"First you must have mercy on yourself."​

That was the beginning of her climb out of living hell. She became a great woman of God. I ask myself, "Why do I beat the s**t out of myself on a daily basis? Why do I have no mercy on myself? Why do I plant with one hand only to rip out with the other? I'm the survivor, not the culprit. Why do I compare myself unfavorably to others whose lives were protected from predators and thus don't show the consequences of abuse? Am I not worth more than being used by others? Can't I establish relationships with other men and women who live holy lives or am I stuck 'where I belong' living alongside hateful people? Am I not allowed to look up at the stars, or do I have to keep my face planted firmly in the mud? Is humble acceptance the answer for me or do I have to rebel against life events by finishing the job my attackers began?
 
SDD757 - Sorry, I don't know how to copy what you wrote as you do to respond to a post. I would like to respond to your 6:12pm post. I read an account of a woman who was in a really miserable state. I'll spare you the details, but it was really grievous. She spoke to Jesus asking Him to have mercy on her. His response was,
"First you must have mercy on yourself."​

That was the beginning of her climb out of living hell. She became a great woman of God. I ask myself, "Why do I beat the s**t out of myself on a daily basis? Why do I have no mercy on myself? Why do I plant with one hand only to rip out with the other? I'm the survivor, not the culprit. Why do I compare myself unfavorably to others whose lives were protected from predators and thus don't show the consequences of abuse? Am I not worth more than being used by others? Can't I establish relationships with other men and women who live holy lives or am I stuck 'where I belong' living alongside hateful people? Am I not allowed to look up at the stars, or do I have to keep my face planted firmly in the mud? Is humble acceptance the answer for me or do I have to rebel against life events by finishing the job my attackers began?
Thanks for sharing this. I’ll say more later.

The bottom right corner of each message has a “reply”. If you click that it will include a quote.
 
I ask myself, "Why do I beat the s**t out of myself on a daily basis? Why do I have no mercy on myself? Why do I plant with one hand only to rip out with the other? I'm the survivor, not the culprit. Why do I compare myself unfavorably to others whose lives were protected from predators and thus don't show the consequences of abuse? Am I not worth more than being used by others? Can't I establish relationships with other men and women who live holy lives or am I stuck 'where I belong' living alongside hateful people? Am I not allowed to look up at the stars, or do I have to keep my face planted firmly in the mud? Is humble acceptance the answer for me or do I have to rebel against life events by finishing the job my attackers began?
This is very sad. I’ve had the some of the same thoughts. The didn’t seem sad until they came from someone else. Why is it so hard to have self-compassion? it seems like a cop out to feel compassion for myself. Or that I’m excusing my faults.

Hearing it from you, I would say that Jesus doesn’t feel that way about you...
 
Last edited:
@SDD757 I would be horrified if my kids talked to themselves the way i talk to myself. i feel so much compassion for them. i forget their wrongs and only see how wonderful they are. so to echo your question, why is it so hard for me to offer myself compassion?
 
@SDD757 I would be horrified if my kids talked to themselves the way i talk to myself. i feel so much compassion for them. i forget their wrongs and only see how wonderful they are. so to echo your question, why is it so hard for me to offer myself compassion?
Me too!
 
I like elevation worship!

I just started listening to Christian Music again. The movie Ragamuffin - The Rich Mullins Story had a deep impact on me. He struggled with so many demons.

So I put Rich Mullins on while driving today. This was the highlight.

 

MACH123

Registrant
Self compassion has to be the core issue if not, it's right up there. The only way I ever motivated myself to do anything was by punishment or fear of punishment. Terrible motivation, but if I feel good, and I learned to do it in therapy with radical acceptance, a mental gymnastic move, I don't wanna do anything but sex. I feel good no let make you feel good. I'm ok, you're ok. It's a real mess.
 

Piepel

Registrant
Self loathing, self hate, lack of compassion for oneself, self destructive behavior....Is this the result of the desecration that occurs in the sexual assault of a child? If I owned something beautiful and priceless, a painting say, and a thief broke into my house, graffitied it with lewd images, totally distorting it in a way that was irreparable, is it not natural that I would now look upon it with disgust? Knowing its beauty before it was desecrated, I think I would feel more disappointed, resentful and disgusted, etc., than that of an onlooker who might have only heard of the crime. I think someone who heard of the crime would feel pity.
 
I don't have an answer for you (three weeks ago I told the Lord of the Universe to F Off) so I am obviously dealing with some anger myself. I just can't reconcile those promises. It seems so random to me when he steps in and when he doesn't. So I am not there yet.

The book I am reading now dives into the meaning of the crucifixion. The author emphasizes that Jesus took on the shame, hurt, anger for everything. He took on the horror of the Holocaust. The evils of the genocide in Rwanda. And the shame of every sexual abuse victim. I don't know if Jesus was sexually abused. But I do believe that he knows what that shame feels like. It doesn't answer your question or mine, but it helps me to know that I follow a savior who stepped out of heaven into the filth of this life and became that filth.

That is as far as I have gotten. I am at a stalemate with Jesus. I have been refusing to invite Jesus into that basement when I was eight. I thought at first it was because I didn't want him to see my shame. I still think that is part of it. I think the real reason though, is that I don't want to face that shame. I am glad I worship a patient God. He may be waiting a while.
I'm grateful for God's patience as well.

I only began struggling a few months ago with the fact that God knows of my abuse, "allowed" it to happen, and was even present with me through it. Before, I only blamed myself, and even though I follow Jesus and know I am His, I never considered how He might be a factor or anything like that. It was once I accepted it wasn't MY fault, what was done to me and what I was a part of, that I started to think "well then whose fault was it??" I still didn't yet blame my abuser, and so I turned that toward God. And that sucks. And it is confusing, and I feel for you and any of the other guys here who are in pain, and in doubt, and are confused by how God could allow something like this to happen, or what kind of role He did or didn't play in our suffering. It's so hard.

John 11 hit me hard one day, a few months ago. When Jesus' friend Lazarus has died, and Jesus heads to his town. And he weeps. His pain is real. His sadness and grief is real. He is witnessing the brokenness and the pain that sin has brought to God's created earth, and it makes Him weep. There are a few reasons that scholars and pastors have explained why Jesus responds this way in this moment, and it honestly has helped guide me to a different understanding of the "role" (as I've thought of it) that God had in my life, through my abuse, and through my recovery. I'm not very articulate on this, so I'll stop there. But I've appreciated this thread and hearing others working through it. I hope you all experience the peace, joy and recovery that God wants for us, and that we deserve. (Even if I am terrible at experiencing it myself.)

-BG
 

Piepel

Registrant
I'm grateful for God's patience as well.

I only began struggling a few months ago with the fact that God knows of my abuse, "allowed" it to happen, and was even present with me through it. Before, I only blamed myself, and even though I follow Jesus and know I am His, I never considered how He might be a factor or anything like that. It was once I accepted it wasn't MY fault, what was done to me and what I was a part of, that I started to think "well then whose fault was it??" I still didn't yet blame my abuser, and so I turned that toward God. And that sucks. And it is confusing, and I feel for you and any of the other guys here who are in pain, and in doubt, and are confused by how God could allow something like this to happen, or what kind of role He did or didn't play in our suffering. It's so hard.

John 11 hit me hard one day, a few months ago. When Jesus' friend Lazarus has died, and Jesus heads to his town. And he weeps. His pain is real. His sadness and grief is real. He is witnessing the brokenness and the pain that sin has brought to God's created earth, and it makes Him weep. There are a few reasons that scholars and pastors have explained why Jesus responds this way in this moment, and it honestly has helped guide me to a different understanding of the "role" (as I've thought of it) that God had in my life, through my abuse, and through my recovery. I'm not very articulate on this, so I'll stop there. But I've appreciated this thread and hearing others working through it. I hope you all experience the peace, joy and recovery that God wants for us, and that we deserve. (Even if I am terrible at experiencing it myself.)

-BG
Yes, so the question to myself is, why am I so terrible at experiencing the peace, joy and recovery that God wants for me?
 
Yes, so the question to myself is, why am I so terrible at experiencing the peace, joy and recovery that God wants for me?
Because you are still messed up inside from the abuse. It takes time to properly heal from those wounds. Until that point, it can be difficult to accept or even feel worthy of receiving such positive things.
 

Ferguson

Registrant
Yes, so the question to myself is, why am I so terrible at experiencing the peace, joy and recovery that God wants for me?
I ask myself that too (and why I can't experience feeling loved by Him)

I compulsively try and save myself: introspective self analysis > leading to self hatred and fear
I built such tall walls/defences for survival in childhood that are now my prisons.
I'm not through letting The Maker into all the abuse memories yet, but I know the years of energy I spent building walls against being hurt by my dad (who did not sexually abuse me) and others, is also why I push The Maker away too. I've seen loads more this last 6 weeks about this. The walls only got much larger when my parents did not hear my cry when I was abused sexually. I didn't bother to tell them about the bullying. I was taught emotions were bad. My parents would say such and such spoilt the funeral by crying. I need lots of miracles to demolish these walls!
I vowed "I will never ask my dad for anything" > I'm seeing how that gets in the way of asking the Heavenly Father.

We often focus on the CSA or other obvious abuse but other traumas/wounds need to be worked on too with His help.

It is no quick fix!

Help is on the way.

But I still ask the question.....
 

MACH123

Registrant
Why can't I enter into his rest. I spent so long on this. Then I read "you are, just be that.".

Believe it or not some secular tools helped me most but I come back to God. First I read "the Sedona Method". I even went to retreats and stuff. Then I found this book by the Maharaj. http://www.maharajnisargadatta.com/I_Am_That.pdf
My wife would be all over me about why couldn't Christ be sufficient and so on lol. I wanna hear a sermon about how many Christian women tell their husbands they arent saved.

But anyway I had always tried to "meditate" because I wanted "the peace that passes understanding" and eventual, I got it.

I can't do it always and I I fail at getting "there" more than. I achieve but I actually experienced bliss when I get it right.

There are a bunch of ways to feel or experience God but this is my favorite. I like the experience of the Holy Ghost, but I I always burst into tears and it's always when other people are around it's so embarrassing. Lol I'm not embarrassed about God, not saying that.
 
Top