Question: Am I a victim of sexual abuse?
akallabeth
New Registrant
I am sorry to pose this question in the context of a board where so many clearly are victims of sexual abuse. I know I have been a victim of psychological abuse from my mother, but especially some of her "requirements" of me, while clearly not in the category of "sexual acts" have been profoundly disturbing to me during their occurance and over my life. I have had to face my past for the first time in relationship therapy, as my marriage was falling apart and it became clear that I had some serious "issues" I was not aware of. I will just copy what I sent my therapist recently (I was too embarrassed to talk openly about it). Again, I apologize if I offend anyone with this question. I am trying to understand myself and my life, and would like to ask whether my experience is considered abuse of a sexual nature. Thank you.
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On another issue, I asked whether I could email you something because there is something that I think I should mention, but which I was somewhat embarrassed to speak to you about in person. This relates to my mother again. In addition to the frequent "chat" sessions with her during my adolescence, there was one "service" that she asked of me which I disliked, my brother despised and refused early, and which my father, when he found out, was troubled by. **** found out about it during her first visit and called my father in tears. This was a typically nightly "massage" I would give her. However, my own feeling now is that it was perhaps crossing a few boundaries that should not have been crossed. It involved massaging her shoulders, back, buttocks, legs, and feet. It was like all my "services" expected and I was made to feel very selfish if I expressed a desire not to do this, or even if I did it "half-heartedly": she's an ATM machine and all I care about is money, this is all she asks of me and what she needs to relax in her awful work-world, she'll have a heart attack because of me, she's sacrificed so much for me and I won't even do this, ad nauseum.
As a young adolescent male, I found it very awkward, especially as she would want this at night in her nightgown, and often would undress in front of me, often exposing me to full nudity. She acted as if this were not odd, although I felt very uncomfortable. I won't go into the many ways I was praised for this (quite clever ways) or criticized for any refusals (or, hardly any refusals, but "bad attitude"). It involved her constant "baby-talk" with me, or, more discomforting, her soft moans and grunts during the process. This went on until I left for college, and even during college when I would visit home (hence the **** "freak-out" about it - in fact, it did not end until **** woke me up to he idea that this might not be "ok"). My father knew about it for many years, and complained to her, sent her clippings of articles of relevance etc.
I've never really faced it in terms of how "unhealthy" this might have been. Part of me (strangely, one of the few "macho" parts of me as far as I can tell - I'm not usually a macho-type in thought or action) didn't want to face even the possibility that it might border or be in some fashion a form of "sexual abuse." Certainly it did not go to sexual acts. But it was definitely far into the realm of uncomfortable for me. It was confusing enough becoming a sexual/emotional being myself without much guidance, and this confused me more. Seeing my mother nude was a combination fascination and revulsion, with me worrying about my own "sanity" in this area ("these are my mother's breasts, why should I want to look, why am I also revolted in a way, am I normal, perverted, is she normal, how could my therapist mom not be normal, it must be me," etc). Besides HBO, the first and extended views of the female form I was to see as a developing male were those of my mother, and in the context I have described. While sexually I have never felt "impacted" by this, emotionally and in terms of self-doubt, I know that I have been severely.
I think this was part of her entire "making her son into the man she doesn't have." This is my "looking-back on it" model. I was mostly confused and controlled then. When I was between the ages of 9-13, I had a period of time when I suffered from pretty acute insomnia, and she would always tell me to come with her in the bed (other times when I had a bad dream). Again, nothing sexual happened, and I never thought much of it (besides hoping my friends would never know). But now when I think about how I react to my daughters - her choices seem pretty odd. **** and I talk and console them at such times, but always bring them back to their beds. I think that after about 5-6 years old, this was the standard treatment for both of our girls. But my mother chose the opposite approach, so much so that I had to make a conscious choice in mid-adolescence myself NOT to go to her bed when distressed at night, because I felt MYSELF that it was inappropriate at a certain age. Perhaps I am wrong, but I see this as part of the bigger picture.
So then, this is a further back drop to it all. When at home all these things: long talks every night when she came back from work, being her "therapist" with all her problems, severe denigration of my father and claims that I would end up "like him" and that she was going to prevent that (I was quite scared of "becoming like him" as a child, fed by imagery of the negative, emotionally abusive man that seems to have so little resemblance to the father I knew then and reacquainted myself with as an adult), massages, sleeping at nights with her, etc. Then in college constantly "on call" for her, and the first bad break with her after marriage, when she cried that she wanted me to be like I was when I was 13, accusing **** of turning me against her. The last decade has seen me confront her more on these things, and then her utter denial. None of this happened, according to her. I am making it up. My brother and I laugh bitterly about this. And of late, feeling with this relationship crisis with **** and **** that I had found and was now to lose someone who filled "the" deep need in me (however it might be explained or how right or wrong it might be), this terrible sense of loss and the many years to come with that loss, I have kind of found myself much more free of the chains my mother had me under for so long. So long and so exploitive of my personality (guilty, sensitive, self-doubting, etc.) that it took me decades to recognize them. My perspective on loss is broader. Perhaps this has finally allowed me to go through something most people do when they are 16.
Anyway, the fact that it is hard to talk about likely means it is significant (even if in ways I don't perceive or perhaps quite straightforwardly in ways I do), and had to be told if I am serious about all this. So, there it is.
See you on Friday.
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********* Begin paste ********
On another issue, I asked whether I could email you something because there is something that I think I should mention, but which I was somewhat embarrassed to speak to you about in person. This relates to my mother again. In addition to the frequent "chat" sessions with her during my adolescence, there was one "service" that she asked of me which I disliked, my brother despised and refused early, and which my father, when he found out, was troubled by. **** found out about it during her first visit and called my father in tears. This was a typically nightly "massage" I would give her. However, my own feeling now is that it was perhaps crossing a few boundaries that should not have been crossed. It involved massaging her shoulders, back, buttocks, legs, and feet. It was like all my "services" expected and I was made to feel very selfish if I expressed a desire not to do this, or even if I did it "half-heartedly": she's an ATM machine and all I care about is money, this is all she asks of me and what she needs to relax in her awful work-world, she'll have a heart attack because of me, she's sacrificed so much for me and I won't even do this, ad nauseum.
As a young adolescent male, I found it very awkward, especially as she would want this at night in her nightgown, and often would undress in front of me, often exposing me to full nudity. She acted as if this were not odd, although I felt very uncomfortable. I won't go into the many ways I was praised for this (quite clever ways) or criticized for any refusals (or, hardly any refusals, but "bad attitude"). It involved her constant "baby-talk" with me, or, more discomforting, her soft moans and grunts during the process. This went on until I left for college, and even during college when I would visit home (hence the **** "freak-out" about it - in fact, it did not end until **** woke me up to he idea that this might not be "ok"). My father knew about it for many years, and complained to her, sent her clippings of articles of relevance etc.
I've never really faced it in terms of how "unhealthy" this might have been. Part of me (strangely, one of the few "macho" parts of me as far as I can tell - I'm not usually a macho-type in thought or action) didn't want to face even the possibility that it might border or be in some fashion a form of "sexual abuse." Certainly it did not go to sexual acts. But it was definitely far into the realm of uncomfortable for me. It was confusing enough becoming a sexual/emotional being myself without much guidance, and this confused me more. Seeing my mother nude was a combination fascination and revulsion, with me worrying about my own "sanity" in this area ("these are my mother's breasts, why should I want to look, why am I also revolted in a way, am I normal, perverted, is she normal, how could my therapist mom not be normal, it must be me," etc). Besides HBO, the first and extended views of the female form I was to see as a developing male were those of my mother, and in the context I have described. While sexually I have never felt "impacted" by this, emotionally and in terms of self-doubt, I know that I have been severely.
I think this was part of her entire "making her son into the man she doesn't have." This is my "looking-back on it" model. I was mostly confused and controlled then. When I was between the ages of 9-13, I had a period of time when I suffered from pretty acute insomnia, and she would always tell me to come with her in the bed (other times when I had a bad dream). Again, nothing sexual happened, and I never thought much of it (besides hoping my friends would never know). But now when I think about how I react to my daughters - her choices seem pretty odd. **** and I talk and console them at such times, but always bring them back to their beds. I think that after about 5-6 years old, this was the standard treatment for both of our girls. But my mother chose the opposite approach, so much so that I had to make a conscious choice in mid-adolescence myself NOT to go to her bed when distressed at night, because I felt MYSELF that it was inappropriate at a certain age. Perhaps I am wrong, but I see this as part of the bigger picture.
So then, this is a further back drop to it all. When at home all these things: long talks every night when she came back from work, being her "therapist" with all her problems, severe denigration of my father and claims that I would end up "like him" and that she was going to prevent that (I was quite scared of "becoming like him" as a child, fed by imagery of the negative, emotionally abusive man that seems to have so little resemblance to the father I knew then and reacquainted myself with as an adult), massages, sleeping at nights with her, etc. Then in college constantly "on call" for her, and the first bad break with her after marriage, when she cried that she wanted me to be like I was when I was 13, accusing **** of turning me against her. The last decade has seen me confront her more on these things, and then her utter denial. None of this happened, according to her. I am making it up. My brother and I laugh bitterly about this. And of late, feeling with this relationship crisis with **** and **** that I had found and was now to lose someone who filled "the" deep need in me (however it might be explained or how right or wrong it might be), this terrible sense of loss and the many years to come with that loss, I have kind of found myself much more free of the chains my mother had me under for so long. So long and so exploitive of my personality (guilty, sensitive, self-doubting, etc.) that it took me decades to recognize them. My perspective on loss is broader. Perhaps this has finally allowed me to go through something most people do when they are 16.
Anyway, the fact that it is hard to talk about likely means it is significant (even if in ways I don't perceive or perhaps quite straightforwardly in ways I do), and had to be told if I am serious about all this. So, there it is.
See you on Friday.
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