Question about my husband's anger

[Brokenhearted]

Ok, some questions about survivor anger. My husband has always had some anger inside since I've known him, what I called a quick temper. But lately it seems even more apparent. And I wonder if that could be a good thing, progress, like he's starting to get some of that anger out, but yet he seems to aim it at everyone and everything rather than understanding the root cause and that he should be mad at the perp(s) instead.

Anyway, he did show some pretty good "road rage" yesterday. He took a wrong exit and said, "GOD, AM I STUPID OR WHAT?!?!!!" at which I said, "You need to be more kind to yourself." Then later when a lady pulled out in front of him at a stop light, he said, "OK WOMAN ---MOVE!!" And later when I was doing the driving and took a wrong exit, he said, "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING??!!?" We were driving in Dallas, where we used to live. Traffic was insane. Thank goodness our 3 yr old had her headphones on in the back seat watching cartoons.

Sooooo... what are you guys's suggestions at how I should react when he's being overly angry like that? Should I just let him get some of it out? Or should I remind him that his anger seems out of control at times? I don't want to inhibit him getting it out - it needs to come out instead of him holding it in - but do you think it would help if he knew what he was REALLY angry about, the root cause, so he can properly get angry about that and not everything else?

Is the anger a "stage" for survivors? Does it increase at the time when they realize WHY they're truly angry inside all these years, when they realize the perp(s) are the ones to be mad at??? Ok here I go again - can I HELP him realize this? lol

 

[beccy]

Hi BH,

I just wrote a whole reply and deleted it by mistake, so I'll try again!


About your husband's venting of anger, if it's not actually directed at anyone (and of the kind you gave an example of above), that doesn't sound too bad....if it's directed at you, then i suppose it's a personal thing as to how you react/respond/don't respond. Like for me, if depending on how I'm feeling, I would probably retaliate in some form.

Your husband will most likely have a lot of repressed feelings/anger and they're probably mis-placed, and mis-directed all over the place, but I wouldn't suggest trying to point this out to him. The reason being that, when a person has all those repressed feelings, and they're going through emotional difficulties/changes, their EXPERIENCE of their emotions is very real, even if it is misplaced. I'm not sure how clearly I've managed to say that...


Yes, your husband will be able to direct his feelings towards the things they're truly based on, when he begins to face these things in a safe setting with a well experienced therapist. Hopefully then he would be able seperate things out a bit, but till then he probably won't see it that way.

It is my feeling that you shouldn't really try to help your husband realise anything. He needs to realise things for himself. The thing is, you've already let him know you understand a lot of things, told him you've done reading, made your own connections and this is bound to have pushed something inside him........the rest you can do now is thinking about your own feelings and expressing yourself in as true a way as possible. That means totally concentrating on yourself and what you want/don't want. What's ok for you/not ok. Those kinds of things.


I reckon it's ok to express bits of verbal anger, lose your rag, as long as it's not abusive/violent. Those things, I don't think are acceptable.

Hang in there BH, you're doing so well with it all, I know how hard it is.....


peace
Beccy