Q: Feeling your own story (triggers?)

Q: Feeling your own story (triggers?)
T

The Seeker

Registrant
I have been lurking here for months since I started with my T. I have ready every story I could find, and each one breaks my heart. But, I have a hard time feeling the same for myself and my story. I am not ashamed or guilty anymore. I take no blame. I told my T its like I am afraid to feel bad for myself, like my heart might break all over again. If I started to weep for that little boy, maybe I couldn't stop. I know this isn't true, but there it is all the same. Any advice on steering through these waters? I know this is the next mountain I must climb on the road to restoration.

By the way, all of your stories showed me I was not alone is this journey. They helped draw me out of myself. So, thanks to you all.
 
Hi Seeker, take your time, no pressure. I recommend, just start talking, about anything. As we reply to you, you will get more comfortable with us, and then one day a part will slip out, and then more parts will come.
take care,
Lostcowboy
 
That is the strange part. I can talk through the SA and other abuse. I can catalog events and activity. I can name the feelings: scared, afraid, pain, sadness, etc. I just don't see to be able to feel them. I try to cry. I want to cry. But, I just don't no matter how bad the details are. It's like I am connected to what happened, but not the feelings that go with it. I just wish I could break through, even if it is scary. Ironically, I had to bury a puppy I had recently that got hit by a car and killed (chasing a cat, no offense to cats). I wailed during the process and couldn't stop. My kids said they never saw me cry before, and it was sorta dramatic since I didn't just cry, it was loud and long. Yet, I cannot cry for myself, for that little boy I was. Why?
 
Seeker, I cannot cry either, so I find things to make me cry, but not often enough.

I think we tend to minimise our own past hurt, when we read others hurt.

Keep yourself safe when you go back into your childhood, and do it with a therapist present, I went into a blinding sense of terror not so long ago, and I had to really ground myself.

I know how you got so close to that puppy, and it is real sad that the pup died.

One of my dogs died when a car hit him, and the driver did not even stop, I was not there when it happened, but I screamed uncontrollably at losing that dog.

There will be a lot of past hurt that you need to deal with, and sometimes it can be hard, but it needs to be addressed, but do not deny it to yourself as we all tend to do.

Your kids seeing you hurt like that and crying will bring you closer together, and it is not negative for them to see that, because they know you have a capacity to really feel,

ste
 
I held that puppy for about 5 mins and watched him die in my arms. He was beyond help, as he had a spinal injury and was paralyzed. A little bit of me died that day too. It was really sad, but I was glad I was with him in the end. I was glad that he likely felt little pain, but I will remember his eyes always. Life is a precious gift, which this event reinforced in me. As well as our connectivity to each other and other things. His name was Bailey, an Irish Setter.
 
Yes, it teaches us how life can be cut so short by witnessing these things.

We blame ourselves for letting it happen and want to turn the clock back.

I am fortunate to live in a rural area, and I rescued a dog who was already pretty old.

He was my constant companion, and we walked for many miles each day, and it was like some big adventure to him and myself to see how much joy we brought to each other.

It really hurt me when he just fell over in the garden, and I thot he had died, but he came around, and the vet said he had a weak heart.

He went on meds which cost a fortune, but he had a better quality of life, then he started to just go downhill.

It hurt me to see this little dog, who just wanted all the fun and adventure in his life that he found so late in his life.

He could not walk far, and I thought?

I bred this dog, and I wish I could have kept him from the start and gave him the life he craved so early on, he was the runt of the litter, and that is how I picked him out.

He always ditched his own home to go for walks with me, and he brought me a lot of joy in life, and I could not have him put down.

Somebody else did that for me, and I really cried for him, and cried tonite to think of losing this little friend who was so full of life, that should have been his all along,

ste
 
Seeker, hey, hope you are doing great today! It sounds like through what happened to your dog you connected to the immense sadness inside you, so it is definatly in there wanting to come out and be expressed and it shows that it is possible for you to access those feelings. I know because I was in a simmillar place several months ago and oddly enough I connected with my saddness thinking of all that SA does to us while chopping onions, the onions helped me to breakthrough, connect, and start crying. Then I started wailing and couln't stop for like an hour in a half. Afterwards I felt like I really released alot that was banging on the iron door to get out.
Anyway, i am not advocating chopping onions as a therapy approach, but it worked for me. :D
 
greetings all
seeker, like you, I have difficulties feeling/identifying feelings for myself

something I have been trying is consciously breathing an emotion...

what I mean is I think of animals...
I identify the feeling (care, joy, warm fuzzies)
once the feeling is really felt, I concentrate on my heart area while I breathe in slowly... (usually counting to 6 in my head)
while exhaling slowly, I breathe the feeling through my solar plexus (where we feel butterflies in our stomach--I know this spot intimately :{> )

this has helped me connect to my feelings
have been doing this for about a month now daily
through doing so, have been able to breathe/accept some of those feelings towards/about myself now (microseconds only of course :{>)

psthis process is not limited to only warm fuzzie feelings but use with caution, a trusted friend & a huge box of kleenex if you are risking sadness or ?

hope this helps
 
Hi Seeker,

Here's something for you to consider:

Originally posted by The Seeker:
Ironically, I had to bury a puppy I had recently that got hit by a car and killed (chasing a cat, no offense to cats). I wailed during the process and couldn't stop. My kids said they never saw me cry before, and it was sorta dramatic since I didn't just cry, it was loud and long. Yet, I cannot cry for myself, for that little boy I was. Why?
Click to expand...
Perhaps when you were crying for the puppy you were actually crying for "that little boy".

I have had at least one incident where I had an experience like that. I don't remember what the trigger was but there was an emotional event for me. I ended up wailing about it like you described doing over the puppy. I realized after the fact that my grief was not connected to the incedent at hand but that I was crying for my "little boy".

It was sort of an epiphany moment for me.

Just something for you to think about. It may not be relevant.

John
 
Seeker,

I think it is a commen phenomenon, here, to be moved by other people, their experiences and their stories, while remaining numb to our own. It does come back, and you are going to be able to mourn your own losses, and recognize your own anger about it. It just takes time, and tearing down the wall. It will happen. I wish you well.

Leosha
 
I think you guys are right about the pup. He was the only boy in the house, all girls otherwise. My T said the same thing. I called him Junior. Well if that was just part of the feelings I was holding back, then the rest should be a real doozy. Man, I was shaken for weeks after that. I will definitely try that breathing piece though, but not at work. When I think about this stuff at work, I get goofy and can't think straight. Although, I can't stop myself from thinking about it at work. My T has me going to my safe place with mixed results. I feel safe, but exhausted.
 
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