Puzzled with Significant Other

Honeeecombs

Registrant
Hey guys,

I wanted your take on this for men who have gone through abuse and controlling people. My significant other is around my age - and we live together in a new apartment as we were just unlawfully evicted from our apartment last month.

As you know it's been a trying time. My significant other has been involved in a local church organization which has really helped him in his recovery from substance abuse problems. Ive had to take him in last fall; and have seen his continuous relapses but lately he seems to be doing okay in that regard. What concerns me though; is that the church pays him around $100 a week for services where he is the assistant organist and lately our relationship has been on and off as he struggles with BiPolar Disorder and is very Moody. Sometimes to the degree of not being open to new ideas and constantly criticizing others as if he has an idea - it is very hard to change what is in his head.

But I knew him prior to the mental illness and I have put up with his antics for this long - and have been there for him through his recovery post rehab - and all I want to see is his happiness and to be the strong person he once was prior to his addiction. Part of me wants that as we both struggle with mental illness and health issues and with myself having PTSD - I try to be there for him the best I can.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago we received a care package from his church and unbeknownst to myself - he has computer access to the churches and former pastors Facebook account. Now I personally knew the pastor but am not a member of the church but wanted to take the time to graciously thank them for everything they donated as the new pastor was clearing out the garage of the house owned by the church.

Well, my significant other logged on and saw my message and freaked out. And I'm not talking freak out like oh why didn't you tell me - because I wanted to be included in a thank you as well - I mean:

"I need to prescreen everything you send to the church because it could affect ME"

"I can a salary from the church and I need to know what you are saying at all times because I could lose it!"

"The pastors not going to respond to you. You know that right?".

Overall, I'm left confused and I'm wondering if he is saying things about myself to the church to possibly (I would sincerely hope not) get proceeds to help him be able to afford to not have to work. We both are experiencing income issues - and I am trying to hardest to overcome them to get back on my feet and am trying to hard regardless of my medical issues to provide for myself.

Lately I have been triggered because of my CA memories and trauma - and everything going on with my last position where I still haven't gotten paid - i am doing my best to stay afloat. The shining light through all of this - is that we were illegally evicted from our last apartment and our representation in regards to that situation just recently contacted us with what seems to be good news even though our landlord recinded his offer - we go back to court next week so fingers crossed.


I know I am in relationship that is probably not the healthiest - but deep down to me; he is still the man that got me a stuffed animal for Valentine's day. He is still the man that used to travel for hours to go on small dates. He is still the man that used to hold my hand while we walked down the mall and window shop.

That's maybe why I stay.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Honeeeee

It is difficult to see this struggle at this time with you and your sig other. What strikes me is it appears correct that he is trying to control and perhaps manipulate you BUT given the struggles you BOTH recently went through and are going through he may be truly trying to protect his church stipend and staying in the Pastor’s good graces. I’d note the behaviour and see if it manifests in any other way before you jump to conclusions.
 

Honeeecombs

Registrant
Honeeeee

It is difficult to see this struggle at this time with you and your sig other. What strikes me is it appears correct that he is trying to control and perhaps manipulate you BUT given the struggles you BOTH recently went through and are going through he may be truly trying to protect his church stipend and staying in the Pastor’s good graces. I’d note the behaviour and see if it manifests in any other way before you jump to conclusions.

Thank you @manipulated;

I think you are right in that regard. We both have been through so much; that I can see the other side of the coin where he may be trying to protect himself and stay in the pastors good graces like you said.

I do believe that better days are a head. I am sure of it. Regardless of what happens; I have to continue to self advocate. Support communities have helped me in that sense in recognizing this.

Thank you again -

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs
 
PTSD symptoms creep into my responses frequently, so I am somewhat familiar with a part of the dynamics. My guy and I are both survivors though he stayed on the streets while I journeyed college path and a military career. We seem an odd match, but being “retired”…our core issues of CONTROL rears up when external happenings invade our internal existence. The Colonel and the Street guy handle situations in distinctly different ways. And well, if things get done, does it really matter how….if no one is hurt? I digress. I went to rehab 2x and attended 12 step meetings daily. It kept me focused on my “disease”, I had to find my personal balance. I suppose it’s like grieving…each person requires healing time. I applaud your level of commitment, but be sure to take care of yourself first. Al-Anon really is helpful to family members. If bankrupt, you will have nothing to give. Here, Street guy isn’t remotely intimate, so I tried different modalities. I’m a writer…so I write little notes where I can slip a tiny heart. Or XO. I gave permission for my journals which he picks up from time to time. A 10 page letter here and there. Which he keeps. I know it’s uncomfortable for him, but he hasn’t complained. And his saving them means the world to me. If you know his Love Language.. explore simple, open signs/symbols that don’t require or obligate a response. We all grow and change. Conscious check-ins and affirmation of continued desire of the relationship is a decision. I ended my last letter with this definition of love (for I will not utter it).. Love: to provides space to the other for his soul to find its way. I don’t make promises, but told him that I will bear witness to his journey…..even if co-existence is untenable.
 

Honeeecombs

Registrant
PTSD symptoms creep into my responses frequently, so I am somewhat familiar with a part of the dynamics. My guy and I are both survivors though he stayed on the streets while I journeyed college path and a military career. We seem an odd match, but being “retired”…our core issues of CONTROL rears up when external happenings invade our internal existence. The Colonel and the Street guy handle situations in distinctly different ways. And well, if things get done, does it really matter how….if no one is hurt? I digress. I went to rehab 2x and attended 12 step meetings daily. It kept me focused on my “disease”, I had to find my personal balance. I suppose it’s like grieving…each person requires healing time. I applaud your level of commitment, but be sure to take care of yourself first. Al-Anon really is helpful to family members. If bankrupt, you will have nothing to give. Here, Street guy isn’t remotely intimate, so I tried different modalities. I’m a writer…so I write little notes where I can slip a tiny heart. Or XO. I gave permission for my journals which he picks up from time to time. A 10 page letter here and there. Which he keeps. I know it’s uncomfortable for him, but he hasn’t complained. And his saving them means the world to me. If you know his Love Language.. explore simple, open signs/symbols that don’t require or obligate a response. We all grow and change. Conscious check-ins and affirmation of continued desire of the relationship is a decision. I ended my last letter with this definition of love (for I will not utter it).. Love: to provides space to the other for his soul to find its way. I don’t make promises, but told him that I will bear witness to his journey…..even if co-existence is untenable.

I love this. Thank you for taking the time to relating and expressing your own experiences @Peaceful Warrior.

I will take your recommendations and try them with him. Hopefully they will help improve our relationship.

Also, thank you for your service.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs
 

Rockachaw99

New Registrant
I dont know alot, but based on the way you described your significant other, this behavior would seem "normal" to me coming from someone with bipolar, and under high stress. It does seem a tad narcissistic, but speaking for me: I never knew until recently after starting therapy how much of my life was a response to my trauma. I never realized how much anxiety I had, and therefore how much my response to lifes stressors were completely off, and often inappropriate and sometimes downright cruel. I think to remember his response might just be the illness talking, but to keep a close eye on it, would be a safe way to proceed. Patients, but, not allowing yourself to be mistreated either. Blessings
 

Honeeecombs

Registrant
I dont know alot, but based on the way you described your significant other, this behavior would seem "normal" to me coming from someone with bipolar, and under high stress. It does seem a tad narcissistic, but speaking for me: I never knew until recently after starting therapy how much of my life was a response to my trauma. I never realized how much anxiety I had, and therefore how much my response to lifes stressors were completely off, and often inappropriate and sometimes downright cruel. I think to remember his response might just be the illness talking, but to keep a close eye on it, would be a safe way to proceed. Patients, but, not allowing yourself to be mistreated either. Blessings

Thank you @Rockachaw99;

Nice to meet you as well. I will be keeping an eye on it; and I don't know in recent days I'm not sure if we are truly together anymore. I hate to say it; but lately ive been asking myself when "is too much too much?".

I've tried so hard to walk a mile in his shoes; and have always tried to keep a smile on my face in good times and bad - but with his attitude and the way he treats me; I know I have to put myself out of harms way - or I will continue to live in a life where I am beneath him or "not good enough".

I will keep you guys posted; I am praying for a decent change in the situation. We shall see.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs
 
Thank you @Rockachaw99;

Nice to meet you as well. I will be keeping an eye on it; and I don't know in recent days I'm not sure if we are truly together anymore. I hate to say it; but lately ive been asking myself when "is too much too much?".

I've tried so hard to walk a mile in his shoes; and have always tried to keep a smile on my face in good times and bad - but with his attitude and the way he treats me; I know I have to put myself out of harms way - or I will continue to live in a life where I am beneath him or "not good enough".

I will keep you guys posted; I am praying for a decent change in the situation. We shall see.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs
I’ve always been prepared to have 2 places with sleepovers a couple nights a week. I live alone since 16 for all but 5-6 years. Nothing worse than a particular, Virgo, with a bit of OCD, and no background in healthy relationship arguing. Bachelor is certainly in my future
 

Honeeecombs

Registrant
I’ve always been prepared to have 2 places with sleepovers a couple nights a week. I live alone since 16 for all but 5-6 years. Nothing worse than a particular, Virgo, with a bit of OCD, and no background in healthy relationship arguing. Bachelor is certainly in my future

2 places? Hahahaha; I can barely afford one! But yeah; I just recently moved from my last apartment in which my significant other (glorified roommate!) moved out of to this new one in which we both like. But I'm prepared to move in the Future if I can set aside the funds to do so; that or he will leave.

I miss living on my own to be honest. The days spent as a bachelor was nice - because I could have peace; quiet; and while sometimes I was left in my thoughts due to my PTSD - most of the time i was able to counteract that with coping methods.

There is alot of benefits to having your own place; but also having someone who understands your abuse and trauma. It's a trade off I suppose.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs
 
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