Puzzled by feelings about my Dad

Puzzled by feelings about my Dad
A

abcdefghijklm

Registrant
I'm puzzled by the way I feel towards my Dad, who died about 10 years ago.

When I was young I used to think my Dad was amazing. But for a long time I've had quite negative feelings about him: contempt, impatience, irritation. When he got ill with cancer, I couldn't bring myself to express any sorrow or sympathy. Part of me was aware of being glad that he died.

One way I can make some sense of this is that somehow he is associated in my mind with the guy who raped me. They were both of a similar age; and my Dad had been a teacher, teaching the same subject as the guy who raped me.

Also I think there's something about feeling that he didn't have the right to be my father, because he didn't know about what had happened. I got caught cheating in an exam when I was about 13 and I remember him saying that he was "very disappointed". That made me really angry. I thought "who the f--- are you to be disappointed". I think that somehow I felt that, given that he didn't know what had happened to me, and hadn't helped me, he had no right to be either proud of me (which I would have also hated) or disappointed with me.

I just wondered if any of this chimes with anyone else's experience, or whether anyone can help me make sense of my feelings.

Tom
 
Tom,

My guess would be that you resent your father because you feel that you were abandoned to abuse. An abused boy will often wonder why his parents don't see what's happening to him, especially when he himself feels that he looks so obvious - like he's wearing a sign even. I remember sitting at the dinner table screaming silently to my Mom and Dad, Why can't you see!!!??? When we remember that an abused boy will quickly come to think that the abuse is happening because he is unlovable and worthless, it's only a short step for him to connect the dots and conclude that he has been abandoned to abuse. That's a lot to be resentful about!

Abuse also creates a ton of confusion in a boy's mind, and associations that he makes are no longer the sensible ones (but what's sensible about ravaging an innocent child?). So yes, I can also see how you would see the similarities between your father and the abuser as grounds for, at least, concluding that your father was somehow "on the other side".

What we don't acknowledge here, however, is the other side of the coin. Abused boys will devote their heart and soul to keeping their terrible secret; they fear discovery more than anything else, even as they wish someone would notice and help them. There's also the fact that until recently the abuse of boys wasn't recognized as a social and criminal issue: not by the police, not by social services, not by parents.

Parents sometimes didn't see because they didn't know what they were looking at. I would come home after a session with "him", for example, and run upstairs to my room. My mother recalls coming up to check on me to see what's wrong, and she would find me trembling with a vacant or wild look in my eyes and not wanting her to hug or even touch me. She would ask me is something wrong, and I would of course say no can I please be alone. End of story.

I don't recall if you are in therapy, but if so this one is a good subject to raise with your T. There's a lot for a survivor to be angry about, and in your case I wonder if you are displacing your anger onto your father when in reality it should be directed at the man who harmed you.

Much love,
Larry
 
sorry! double post
 
Tom,

I can agree with what Larry says, but I also wonder if you feel anger toward your father because there really wasn't a good father/son bond between you guys.

I remember when I was little, My daddy used to do all kinds of fun things with me. He'd tickle me, carry me to bed by my feet while I giggled and protested and generally wiggled and squirmed, but I loved it. He'd sometimes take me on long walks, just him and me if he wasn't working that day, or we'd go visit his mother (my Little Grandma) who lived next door. Just him and me.

One day it all stopped. No more nuzzeling my belly with his 2-day growth of whiskers. No more holding me on his lap while he read to me. Nothing more than a "Hi" (if that) when he got home from work. He never taught me how to work on the car, he never taught me how to drive, he didn't pay me any personal attention at all. He made sure my physical needs were met and that I got wherever I was supposed to be on time, but that was it.

I didn't realize it till years later, but it hurt that none of these things happened for me from about the time I was 5 or 6. I resented it, but did not understand the source of my antipathy toward him.

Anyhow I'm just wondering if perhaps part of your attitude from your father could be coming from a similar resentment to that which I felt toward mine.

Just my thoughts. If they help, I'm glad.

Good thread.

Lots of love,

John
 
Tom, I have a similar feeling about my mother. In contrast to you and your dad, my mother and I were super close as I was growing up....my t says probably too close emotionally. But, when she died, I had no feelings of sadness whatsoever. To this day I can bring no feelings, good or bad, about her up into my mind. There is no love, no sadness, no happiness. It's as if she was a stick figure in my memory. Six months after she died, my memories of abuse started to surface. I don't know if I was protecting her in some way. Now, like you, I don't know if I blamed her in some way. It is a total puzzle to me. I feel it has something to do with my abuse (by my father), but I have no idea what that might be. Bobby
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top