Putting the pieces all together
When dealing with all this abuse for the first time in 40+ years, I've found that my thinking on so many things is turning around from where it orignally was. Not only my thinking about the things I know happened, but now about pieces of things that I'm starting to put together in the larger puzzle of what was a very dysfunctional family.
Things that I had always thought were wrong, are becoming right, and things I thought were right, are becoming wrong. It's frightening and confusing. Like someone or something is lifting the veil over all this, and I'm beginning to see things for what they were. It's creeping me out in a way.
One example - my oldest brother doesn't come around the family any more (I haven't seen him in about 3 years, although he lives 1 mile from me). I've always thought it was because of his bitch of a wife. But now I remember my mother saying years ago that my brother's wife had said that my father made sexual advances towards her once when he was drunk. My mother said that my brother came to my father's house and confronted him about it. There's been a riff ever since. I remember thinking at the time how ludicrous that sounded, and that my brother's wife was just being a bitch. Well, looking back on it all, on my father's entire life behaviour, it doesn't seem so ludicrous after all. I think my unwavering allegiance to my father all my life due to his powerfully controlling and abusive nature has kept me blind to some things such as this.
Do others of you follow similar patterns of putting these pieces together? Understanding things for what they really were? It's unnerving, in that it makes my mind question so many things in my life. My mind wants to have a sense of feeling grounded, but unravelling all this stuff feels like I'm a tent with the stakes being pulled from the ground by the wind, one by one, and I'm about to be blown away.
Things that I had always thought were wrong, are becoming right, and things I thought were right, are becoming wrong. It's frightening and confusing. Like someone or something is lifting the veil over all this, and I'm beginning to see things for what they were. It's creeping me out in a way.
One example - my oldest brother doesn't come around the family any more (I haven't seen him in about 3 years, although he lives 1 mile from me). I've always thought it was because of his bitch of a wife. But now I remember my mother saying years ago that my brother's wife had said that my father made sexual advances towards her once when he was drunk. My mother said that my brother came to my father's house and confronted him about it. There's been a riff ever since. I remember thinking at the time how ludicrous that sounded, and that my brother's wife was just being a bitch. Well, looking back on it all, on my father's entire life behaviour, it doesn't seem so ludicrous after all. I think my unwavering allegiance to my father all my life due to his powerfully controlling and abusive nature has kept me blind to some things such as this.
Do others of you follow similar patterns of putting these pieces together? Understanding things for what they really were? It's unnerving, in that it makes my mind question so many things in my life. My mind wants to have a sense of feeling grounded, but unravelling all this stuff feels like I'm a tent with the stakes being pulled from the ground by the wind, one by one, and I'm about to be blown away.
