Putting It Out There

[wreckage]

OK. Left to my own devices, cherry-picking information and living in my head is not working, so I'm going to put it all out there.

I married late and after 14 years and 2 kids later, we are both middle-aged. Menopause has shut my sex life down. My wife has gone off a cliff in terms of desire (not to mention constant symptoms).

I fantasize constantly and have done so since I am a kid. Until recently, when the molest revelation(s) came to me, I had no idea about the psychosexual dynamics involved with my thinking.

I am constantly fantasizing masochistic/humiliation scenarios and have been getting into porn about it. I have a history of face-to-face sessions that have cemented the images/sensations in me.

I suffer from the shame-guilt-relief-shame... cycle constantly.I feel like I am living a shadow existence as I am never really where I am standing because of the secret masturbating and viewing (and triggering).

Ideally, if I can get my wife to perform acts on me I think on the one hand I would be happy. On the other, is that true intimacy? If it were done within a healthy relationship, that's different- and optimal.

Lastly, I don't know how to re-introduce touching and affection and sex into our middle-age coldness/menopausal situation.

I have zero personal communication skills and have a history of isolation, depression, manic swings and identity crisis.

I don't know why I am writing this as it doesn't have a focus.
Thank you for listening

My feeble attempts at mindfulness have flopped. I am overweight and in therapy.

 

[George]

Your Wife probibly needs hormone replacement, does she see a gynecologist at all? They might put her on the patch and that would most likely get things back to normal, if she was fine with sex before menopause.

 

[Ceremony]

This is important to me too, with some slight differences, or not, you would have to clarify. My wife too, and I have drifted far away from intimacy after our son was born. I blame her, she says it's my lack of being a provider and now it's my being overweight. Excuses come all the time, so it really doesn't matter when the search for intimacy is involved.

I define it as seeking to connect physically with mutual passion. To me, at my age, it's also a compassionate experience, where holding and caresses would be ideal too. I'm going to let imagination begin here, so I can leave the "what if" out of my own mind. I really need to stay away from wishful thinking. My ability to get back to intimacy is heavily diminished by toxicity in our relationship.

If that's not the case for you two, I know that just talking over the basics seems Ok...

Caresses, and holding each other, skin to skin.... ok, again, go with imagination so I don't have to think of what I don't have.

I don't go too far off into porno, I do like it in the sense of knowing couples really enjoy getting into each other. I like it to be close to my age and type, but, old memories to get into it. I was prime in my early 20's, but only with my wife. I'm not experienced with partners, but I had no problem making a go at being the best I could be. I was oblivious to my trauma memories then... I was hoping I could be stronger and get better...

I crashed and failed, but for a few years I fooled myself and had a good time. We've been together as a couple since about 1982, and we're monogamous. That's really on me, as much as her. I am extremely self conscious and it took a lot of effort to overcome immense anxiety and fear just to be with her before we got married. I almost didn't go for it...

We have two children, which are nearly 20 years apart. My daughter is good with her little brother, though she can tease him more than my liking...

Anyway, I'm middle-aged, and I can understand what you mean by wanting a partner to perform. Mine won't either. I can't even get the caressing started anymore. Like I said, money and my weight are her excuses. I think weight should be left out of it, we're middle aged, and lying down, maybe under a sheet, holding each other isn't about weight.

She won't even sit next to me.

I need testosterone treatment, and have avoided it for over a year. I've done that because I'm angry at the way it's dispensed and discussed. I've not been told to see a specialist either and someone reminded me an Endocrinologist is the specialist. I don't like the way a GP talks about it. One who saw me just one time, made a permanent note in my records that I have a testicular problem!! NO, I have a failure to produce testosterone and that's a combination of factors, not just my balls. What about my brain, the Hypothalamus and Pituitary glands??

It got worse after my vasectomy, so yes, part of this is that, but still I should absorb test. if I'm producing enough. I've not my whole life, so middle-age reduction hits me very hard. I'm supposed to take it, but like I mentioned, I quit in disgust concerning the dispensing.

I too wonder if your wife could benefit from hormone replacement. I think we all might check into it as we age?

 

[Tom E.]

It's difficult to deal with for sure.. I'd rather cuddle now than have sex..