punished for been brave

[deaddreamer]

I am a 30 year old man from South Africa Cape town.My father was a troubled man a drug addict and a alcholic,and had a bad past.

He did not sexually abuse,but he would punch me insteadd of punishing me.I suffer from a sleep disorder called R.T.S. which makes me rock in my sleep and when i was 11 it was so bad that I would hit my head against the wall over and over untill it would wake me,this must have driven him out of his mind.One night I was rocking he came into my room and punched my head so hard that the leg of my bed broke.I just layed there stunned and confused and he said somrthing and left.

This kind of thing happened every once in a while and they left me terrified.And i remember starting to rebell.

When i was 12 I left my freinds birthday party and I went too the train station when i was waiting for the train a man approached me and
said that he had found a litter of puppies in the graveyard,And asked if i did not want too take one.I had a feeling of being unsure

about this man but I thought of my mom who had
just recovered from an ordeal,and i thought a puppie would cheer her up.

So it was already dark I walked with the man,he said the puppies,were just behind a hedge.when we got there he put he has hand on yhe back of my neck and squeezed and told me too lay down
I froze with fear,he said he would not hurt me if i do what he said so i did,he then proceeded too rape me,I could not believe what was happening I think I just spaced out and layed
there crying.

When he was finished he took me to the train station and gave me a orange.H waited there as if he was worried something would happen too me

This the part of the that fills with all kind of feelings.

I knew that this was not my fault and i said to myself that i would not let this change me,and i thought I could catch him and that way I could win back something so i told him that I would be there the following frday too

I know that that sounds insane but this is only the beginning.The train came I got on and went home.

When I got there I went to the kitchen and told my mom and dad.My mom cried and my dad just looked down and said "no lord no"

they called the cops and and came to speak to me
at this point I was being my brave self,I was even smiling,but when i did that everyone looked at me strangely .i remember my mom telling me not to laugh or smile,I think now that I was still in shock ,I then went for a medical exam and it to
was a unpleasent experience but I was determined to have him caught.

THE next day I went with the police back to the graveyard,This is where i told the policeman about my plan .I thought that he would be impressed.But he showed no intrest as a matter fact he made me feel like I did something wrong

So no one really gave a damm,I waited till the following Friday and planned to go back myself
with a knife,but when the day came I was too scared to go alone,A whole week had went by
and everyone was pretending like nothing fucking happened to me,I really tried to go claim myself back but when I did nt ,I felt like a coward.

No one ever spoke to me about it again,only on single occasion my mom said "dont stay out late you now what happened to you last time"
I then lost my cool and freaked her out and told that she should never speak to me about it again

and she never did.So no therapy or anything just alone,I remember deciding that feelings were a bad thing ,

Since this I was kicked out 4 schools went to the army when i was seventeen saw some more tragedy .I have taken all sorts of risks ,drugs ,suicide,physical
risks,basically all kinds of risky behaviour
I lost my job because of my temper

I have calmed down a lot in the last year I have not done any heavy drugs or drank for about a year and a half.

through all this the rape was never considered as a problem it was never taken into account as to why was I so rebellious

My father stopped hitting me when i was sixteen,because after he beat me up I asked him if it made him feel like man,He could never look at me the same,

I guess what I am trying to say is I thought that I would be brave and that i wont let it affect me,BUT no one saw how much pain and fear and shame were behind my eyes,

I am alone even when there are poeple around me


carry on soldier

 

[Lloydy]

'dreamer

No one ever spoke to me about it again,only on single occasion my mom said "dont stay out late you now what happened to you last time"
I then lost my cool and freaked her out and told that she should never speak to me about it again

and she never did.So no therapy or anything just alone,I remember deciding that feelings were a bad thing ,

All anyone had to do was TALK ABOUT IT.
But people freeze with fear, and imagine it will all go away if they don't mention it. We all know that isn't true. What a tragedy, you talked, they didn't.

So talk now, never stop talking. The guy who invented therapy, Freud, called his theory "The Talking Cure."
We need to let it all out.

I hope we give you a safe and welcoming place to let it out.

Dave

 

[Leosha]

I read your post with lot difficulty, I am having trouble to be easily triggered of things right now.

You were brave, you still are. You were child who was wronged, and stil, you were so much braver of me. I never told no one of what happen to me until few months ago, and you did it same night. It is amazing to me.

I am real sorry that people did not react as they should have. I do not know if you were fully punished for being brave, but you were definitely disappointed and let down. I am sorry the adults in the situation did that, did not protect you, and abandoned you so much in the situation. That is fault of them. Nothing of what happen is your fault, you were so very brave, and still are.

Please try to use that courage to help yourself now. It is so hard, and is not fair that we must work so much at what we do. But you are well worth of it, and it will get better. You deserve a good life. I wish you good luck.

leosha

 

[outis]

DD,

It is hard to read what happened to you. Doesn't that say volumes about how much harder it was to live it? The boy you were should have received the help he needed. Someone, no, some group of people should have stood by you, listened to you, worked with you to catch that man, and helped you through all the terrible feelings that come from such a violation.

It's not too late. We know our own terrible feelings here, and we know what violations like that have cost us. You have found a group of people who can listen and will let you vent. I hope you can find a professional, a therapist or counselor, who will help you one on one, outside the online world.

Your brothers are absolutely correct. Listen to Dave and Leosha.

So talk now, never stop talking.

you are well worth of it, and it will get better. You deserve a good life.

Sometimes I come to this group of people just to find this kind of wisdom. It helps me and I hope it will help you, too.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[crisispoint]

You are brave my friend. It was wrong for these people to make you feel that you were punished. The fact you tried to get this guy shows you had your heart in the right place.

We all have suffered irrevocable damage because of the abusive morons in your lives. You are talking now. That's the important thing. Keep talking. Always keep talking.

I hope you find peace. We all deserve it. I love you, Bro. We all do. No strings.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[Mike Church]

You are a brave man dont ever forget that.

Listen to what others here have said.


The thing to remember is that you are never alone again ever. We are like brothers here. There is no judgement or dislike, just caring, sharing and helping one another.

So as you were told. post, listen and join us. It won't be easy but it is sure a hell of a lot better than being alone in the world and merely existing in life and not truly living it.