PTSD/Shame/Guilt & How do I open up about this?


My previous thread: 'Groomed and raped by a celebrity (Trigger Warning!)'

I’m having some trouble these last couple of days—more than normal. Self-blame, shame, and guilt are at the forefront, sometimes crippling and puts me in a dark place.

I don’t look at myself in the mirror with respect. Instead I see a guy trying to remove himself from the situation and hide it by not talking about it to those closest to him. When I do talk about it, I find myself belittling the incident as if that will make it go away. It’s like I’m in denial but I have been in therapy for about 2 months now actively working on it. But I wonder if it’s enough.

My PTSD is hyperactive. Many things are triggering—a radio commercial with his voice, my friends and family commenting/liking his social posts or talking about him, the spot in my house where it took place, so many things.

I wrote an email to my therapist last week like a journal entry—very therapeutic. Sunday I got drunk and blacked out. This morning, I discovered an email draft I had started that was following up to that first email to my therapist. It read, “I’m not a peace. I keep feeling like it’s my fault. I should’ve seen this coming.”

I was fine about a month ago, but over the last week I feel overwhelmed with emotion and doubt. I also have hate in my heart for this narcissist asshole. I really wish I didn’t and in fact, I want to forgive him. I think that would help me move on.


Admittedly I wasn't an adult when my SA happened. However that doesn't stop me from feeling responsible in some ways. When I started to notice what is now called The grooming process I knew something wasn't quite right but the attention was something I craved. There was a person an adult who actually cared about me (so I thought), who spent time with me. She would even invite me over to her house to play video games and talk about school. It got to the point where she was saying things like "You may think people don't like you but I really like you a lot" or "They don't know you the way I do, I want to know you better". I think you get the picture. Then the physical contact nothing sexual at first, just lingering touches you know? Then there were times when my mom would leave (she was mom's friend), my abuser would show me her new top. Strange that a lot of them were very thin material and oops she forgot to wear a bra. I don't know what I thought was going on. I knew it wasn't normal, I mean she was an adult wasn't like she was my girlfriend was it? It wasn't right and it should have known to run but I didn't.

Long story short she turned out to be a sexual sadist. She did a laundry list of crap to me that was just painful, humiliating and degrading. All for her sexual satisfaction

She did all these things to me and I still hold on to some of the guilt. It's what our abusers do, how they groom us, they reel us in. They pray on our affection our need to be needed. It's been over 40 years and I still feel like I'm swimming around in a pool of shame/guilt and humiliation. I talk about it with my therapist and here helps lessen the power, helps you grow and accepting it. I will tell you it takes time. I'm just beginning that journey myself.