PTSD or emotional stress after family's visit?
PTSD or emotional stress after family's visit?
- Thread starterriviera
- Start date
Hi,
Again I come here looking for some help and some insight. Thanks for being there.
My boyfriend's sisters have visited us and stayed for a week. They are Irish and we live in Madrid so this visit has been very intense in every sense. There have been many disclosures such as perp being dead and a girlfriend of my boyfriend's sister being abused as well by the same perp (apparently she had a nervous break down 3 years ago and now is going to therapy).
During his sisters visit and after they left he has had broken sleep, nausea, vomiting, asthma, and other physical symptoms. He has been very hypervigilant and irritated. I guess it is the body reaction to emotional stress. However some of these fall into PTSD criteria perfectly and I wonder whether the recovery process is provoking the PTSD.
He is at the moment extremely sad. I have also thought that cause of not wanting/being able to show emotions in front of his sisters he has hidden them and now that they are gone he is coming down with all these physical problems. He needs to express his sadness and grief in order to recover his health.We all knew that the sisters coming would definitely have an impact on us all.
He is reluctant to go the doctor. He did mention a couple of days ago that he was tired of being with people and he needed time on his own. I have offered him that I will go away for the weekend. Here the letter I wrote:
***** I love you and I understand your need of being alone and have the freedom to grieve and move on as well as the freedom to come to me when you feel is appropriate.
I love you and understand that you need time and space sometimes and I celebrate that you trust me enough to actually tell me.
I know that it does not mean that you don't love me anymore or that you are pushing me away.
I've decided to put forward my trip to the south. I am thinking on leaving Saturday early in the morning.
I hope you truly take my decision without any guilt or remorse. I think it is beautiful to trust each other enough to tell about our needs and hopes. Please do not try to change this decision just cause of believing that it will make me happier. I am only happy when I know that you are being true to your feelings and needs.
Although I won't be here, I'll be with you in the sense that anytime you need me you can grab the phone and call me. As I have said before you have my support 100% and nothing in the world can change that.******
After reading it he agreed that he needs time alone but he has asked me to stay. And I will but I am thinking now whether he is just trying to make me happy or really wants me to stay with him.
I have asked him if he is sure about his decision and he says 100% positive.
I want to help him in the best way. My fear is that if I stay then he might be holding himself back from moving on.
Any thoughts?
Take care
H
Again I come here looking for some help and some insight. Thanks for being there.
My boyfriend's sisters have visited us and stayed for a week. They are Irish and we live in Madrid so this visit has been very intense in every sense. There have been many disclosures such as perp being dead and a girlfriend of my boyfriend's sister being abused as well by the same perp (apparently she had a nervous break down 3 years ago and now is going to therapy).
During his sisters visit and after they left he has had broken sleep, nausea, vomiting, asthma, and other physical symptoms. He has been very hypervigilant and irritated. I guess it is the body reaction to emotional stress. However some of these fall into PTSD criteria perfectly and I wonder whether the recovery process is provoking the PTSD.
He is at the moment extremely sad. I have also thought that cause of not wanting/being able to show emotions in front of his sisters he has hidden them and now that they are gone he is coming down with all these physical problems. He needs to express his sadness and grief in order to recover his health.We all knew that the sisters coming would definitely have an impact on us all.
He is reluctant to go the doctor. He did mention a couple of days ago that he was tired of being with people and he needed time on his own. I have offered him that I will go away for the weekend. Here the letter I wrote:
***** I love you and I understand your need of being alone and have the freedom to grieve and move on as well as the freedom to come to me when you feel is appropriate.
I love you and understand that you need time and space sometimes and I celebrate that you trust me enough to actually tell me.
I know that it does not mean that you don't love me anymore or that you are pushing me away.
I've decided to put forward my trip to the south. I am thinking on leaving Saturday early in the morning.
I hope you truly take my decision without any guilt or remorse. I think it is beautiful to trust each other enough to tell about our needs and hopes. Please do not try to change this decision just cause of believing that it will make me happier. I am only happy when I know that you are being true to your feelings and needs.
Although I won't be here, I'll be with you in the sense that anytime you need me you can grab the phone and call me. As I have said before you have my support 100% and nothing in the world can change that.******
After reading it he agreed that he needs time alone but he has asked me to stay. And I will but I am thinking now whether he is just trying to make me happy or really wants me to stay with him.
I have asked him if he is sure about his decision and he says 100% positive.
I want to help him in the best way. My fear is that if I stay then he might be holding himself back from moving on.
Any thoughts?
Take care
H
When I need to be alone a long walk in the woods surrounding our home is usually enough, I have a favourite place where I sit and look out over the famous Ironbridge gorge and just let the view wash over me and bring some calm back into my life.
Then I go home, and look forward to a long hug and some understanding.
For me being alone is bad for me, like my wife being away for any time, but choosing to be alone for a short while is very good. Sometimes I just go and 'pretend' to work on my 4x4 in my workshop, but I'll just sit on a pile of tyres and think.
I need it after stressful times, like your guys been through. But we learn about control every time it happens and we process the bad stuff correctly, which is something we didn't do before we started our healing. It takes time to get it right, but it gets easier every time.
There's a huge amount of PTSD info' on the USA Veterans site. I'll go and find the link
Dave
Then I go home, and look forward to a long hug and some understanding.
For me being alone is bad for me, like my wife being away for any time, but choosing to be alone for a short while is very good. Sometimes I just go and 'pretend' to work on my 4x4 in my workshop, but I'll just sit on a pile of tyres and think.
I need it after stressful times, like your guys been through. But we learn about control every time it happens and we process the bad stuff correctly, which is something we didn't do before we started our healing. It takes time to get it right, but it gets easier every time.
There's a huge amount of PTSD info' on the USA Veterans site. I'll go and find the link
Dave
H,
In general, my thought is that it's important to let survivors direct themselves, and make their own decisions, even if you have some fear or anxiety about those decisions.
Will he always know what's best for him? Maybe not, but no one does the best thing in every situation, and whatever these guys have done has got them this far without "us" around.
Part of everyone's growth, survivor or not, is about making decisions and experiencing the natural consequences. If he really wishes you'd go away for the weekend, it's up to him to accept that offer. It's up to you to provide a safe and accepting environment where he doesn't have to be afraid of giving his honest answer-- and that's all.
In general, my thought is that it's important to let survivors direct themselves, and make their own decisions, even if you have some fear or anxiety about those decisions.
Will he always know what's best for him? Maybe not, but no one does the best thing in every situation, and whatever these guys have done has got them this far without "us" around.
Part of everyone's growth, survivor or not, is about making decisions and experiencing the natural consequences. If he really wishes you'd go away for the weekend, it's up to him to accept that offer. It's up to you to provide a safe and accepting environment where he doesn't have to be afraid of giving his honest answer-- and that's all.
Hi Riviera,
I just wanted to add my own reflections to Lloydy's post.
I understand your concerns, but I would suggest you to trust your boyfriends words. You have written him clearly that you would not like him to ask you to remain home only to make you happy, and his answer to your words has been to stay. As trust i.e. both being able to trust and being trusted is for survivors one of the most important issues in their life and recovery, I guess that you could believe that he is sincere about his desire about you to remain physically at his side while he needs at the same time space and time for being alone.
You know, many times survivors have this deep mixed feelings about the need to be alone and the fear to be abandoned. Being a survivor myself, I remember a period of my life at the beginning of recovery where I didnt want my family around but could not also tolerate the idea they were having even a one-day holiday. Its possible that your boyfriend feels the desire of space for elaborating the emotional consequences of his sisters visit and the information he has received, while at the same time he doesnt feel for being physically alone during the process.
On the other side, as a survivor its crucial that he learns with time and patience to build healthy boundaries. So, if I am wrong and despite your statement in the letter he has asked you to stay while thinking otherwise, believing him and trusting his words could maybe allow him anyway to move a little forward in understanding the boundaries issues and that honest communication about feelings and needs is the master key for building healthy relationships.
I hope what I have written makes sense.
Take care,
Abby
I just wanted to add my own reflections to Lloydy's post.
I understand your concerns, but I would suggest you to trust your boyfriends words. You have written him clearly that you would not like him to ask you to remain home only to make you happy, and his answer to your words has been to stay. As trust i.e. both being able to trust and being trusted is for survivors one of the most important issues in their life and recovery, I guess that you could believe that he is sincere about his desire about you to remain physically at his side while he needs at the same time space and time for being alone.
You know, many times survivors have this deep mixed feelings about the need to be alone and the fear to be abandoned. Being a survivor myself, I remember a period of my life at the beginning of recovery where I didnt want my family around but could not also tolerate the idea they were having even a one-day holiday. Its possible that your boyfriend feels the desire of space for elaborating the emotional consequences of his sisters visit and the information he has received, while at the same time he doesnt feel for being physically alone during the process.
On the other side, as a survivor its crucial that he learns with time and patience to build healthy boundaries. So, if I am wrong and despite your statement in the letter he has asked you to stay while thinking otherwise, believing him and trusting his words could maybe allow him anyway to move a little forward in understanding the boundaries issues and that honest communication about feelings and needs is the master key for building healthy relationships.
I hope what I have written makes sense.
Take care,
Abby