PTSD, isolation...... and good job choice? (also posted in Main Forum)

[fhorns]

I posted this in the main forum, but I know this will be an excellent place to put it since this involves my spouse, and beautiful baby.


Are any of you like me? I don't want to be in reality ....ALL the time! I am a case report for classic PTSD, considering all the shit I have had to go through all my life, especially as an adult.

As an child with an unresponsible adult alcoholic mom, she nor I wanted to see anything called reality. We were enmeshed, yes, and too much. It was, and still stands, as emotional incest. Codependency. Shit. Nothing "normal" people would consider loving. That left me with a classic habit of withdrawal. She was the model for it. Damn!!!!

Anyway, I was reading into a workbook today called "Life after Trauma". I was shocked by its frankness, since it said to put it down if too much was coming up. And one clear symptom is actually the subject of this letter (finally : increasing isolation when stress increases.

I have to get a job, no something I could follow up on, more like a career. And one avenue, or rather supplement, came up this past year since I lost my driver's license for medical reasons. My wife knew someone who did medical transcription, and she did it at home. They make good money. I looked into it. I decided against it because it would be too lonely. I tend to be a loner as long as my PTSD appears, but otherwise I tend to socialize quite a bit. Also, when I studied at home and went to classes at local campuses full-time two years ago for another career, I fell into depression. Maybe because I had just started up here with MaleSurvivor, maybe. I ended up on meds, and PTSD symptoms still surface (not major ones). However, I fear following through on this idea. There's a nice online medical transcription school I saw after looking into a host of them. I read and posted on their forums, and there was a lot of support. I didn't tell a soul my past, just that I want to socialize more, I like artistic and creative endeavors, and lack of variety could bury me in the profession. I was encouraged to give it second thought if I truly needed to socialize more, but I could always work within a hospital or the like since people are all around there.

But shit!! Here comes schooling again. I am so damn afraid. I isolated so damn bad during that last semester at school. I wanted to be right (grown up) for them, and I sacrificed myself for it. But I signed up last week for the medical transcription course since I could truly do it, but I'm afraid. I haven't paid for it yet, so it's not final. I am afraid. I isolate anyway when PTSD worsens, and I could be stuck in front of a computer at home if it happens. I don't want to work in that PTSD again! Please, please, please tell me! Am I wrong? Should I go on with it? I can't, can't quit!! I have a child and wife who need my endurance and commitment, and I should be there. If I want my relationship with them, which I do, I have to be ..... F***!....an adult.

(Ashamed) I want to hide.

Imput please. Nothing else to say.

 

[SAR]

fhorns

I understand your desire to provide for your family, emotionally by being an "adult" and financially. You should be commended for it, in my opinion most of all for your recognition that the biggest part of providing is your mental state. Not saying the $$ aren't important, I'm just saying that they are no substitute for a loving, enduring, adult presence in the home. You seem to get that, and not every man does. So good for you.

I also understand your fear about working at home. It's not for everyone and in some ways it's harder than working out of the home. You have to motivate yourself, not procrastinate, not get distracted, and not get lonely and depressed. Only you can really know if that is the stuff that will make the job impossible for you, but I also think it is great that you are willing to think about your own limits and look for different solutions, rather than just not try at all, or go headfirst into something you know you're not comfortable with.

If this is something your wife wants you to do, my suggestion would be, make a list of things you need her to do to help make this work. That list might include setting aside some extra time or money so that you will have the chance to go out and socialize (you might find a "regular" crowd you like at a diner counter or coffee shop, cheaper and friendlier than going to the bar IMO), it might include a place of your own in the house where you can work, it might just include her encouraging you to succeed.

Good luck,
SAR