PTSD again (triggers?)

[fhorns]

I know I haven't been here for weeks, but I'm back. Again.

I come from an alcoholic family, and something happened last week..and yesterday...that hasn't happened since '03. I dissociated.

I had to drop off our daughter to my wife last Sunday. Right now we are living separately. When I got to the place (McD's), I sort of went into shock. I was able to walk my little girl up to the restaurant, but I froze inside.
Wife noticed it. Didn't know what it was. She wanted to spew excitement she had over the weekend with a friend. I couldn't/didn't want to respond. It was a flashback of being around my mother....very dangerous scenerio for me. I knew it was dissociation because I really..left me...in the car. I went home in shock.

Then last night, I went in to see my counselor. We smalltalked for a few minutes, then I stepped into what happened. Told him everything, dissociation being my concern. We delved a little, and before I knew it, I was balling. I froze and cried more. I even started laughing, then crying again.

It started when I told him about EMDR work I had done 3 years ago, how it helped me. It was then that I broke down. He asked, "what did you remember?" while I was crying. Couldn't answer. I cried more. In between, I told him "I had it here" while I pointed to my head, and then I pointed to my heart, crying again. I told him later I had worked through that during an EMDR session, but it was in my head. The pain, anguish, horror, and terror came flooding through. I had belched, "vomited" it all over that office. But I got some of it out.

Thoughts pour out as I write. I knew I hadn't had my Zoloft that day, and 1 1/2 days before that. I knew it might affect the session before it ever happened.

I did reading online about PTSD. Zoloft is an important part of treatment, for me. It says antidepressants are often needed to assist with recovery from it. As thoughts came today, I remember pre-Zoloft days. Nothing seemed "small". The amount of challenge of any task, be it impressing someone, taking on a people job, or even thinking about the future was too big for me to handle. I hid..via TV, coffee, sweets, books, 12 step meetings; pick whatever. I've never lifestyled with drugs or alcohol, but as I sit here I can feel the "ease" of escaping. Anyway I knew how.

This was/is hell. Reply..share your experiences, please.

 

[Brian]

fhorns,

I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time right now. We are all here to support you.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

 

[roadrunner]

fhorns,

A year ago I was still having difficulties with dissociation and PTSD. The flashbacks were pretty grim and sometimes the dissociation was quite unsettling, but on other occasions the out-of-body stuff was just ridiculous. Once I was in a line at the supermarket and began to debate with myself whether I should stay in the line or leave "Larry's body" and go find some vantage point where I could watch him waiting his turn in line.

All this seems to have receded entirely. In talking about it with my T, she suggests that this was because we had addressed the underlying causes. I am still on meds for depression, but not for anything else.

The point I'd like to leave you with is that it IS possible to deal with these problems, even if it seems very difficult right now. Certainly you should stay on your meds, or if you feel they aren't helping you, check with your doctor about revising them.

Much love,
Larry

 

[fhorns]

Larry, I sometimes feel like most who post here are wrestling with this 24/7. I don't, or haven't.
I know things change. I will starting a 12 step study meeting this Sunday, and if there's anything I'm hearing, it's "one moment at a time". I called one guy twice last week. I was afraid. Having just finished last year's step study, he adjusted me with "what can you change right now?", and "In the next 5 minutes, is there something you will do to lose your job?" I was scared about a number of things. I used to hate hearing the "One Day At A Time" slogan. I thought it AA rubbish, hogwash, a canned response. With this guy though, he survived this last year being with real friends, real tools, and things I may learn in months coming. But the message worked for me. There is nothing I can change in the future. I had lived there. But now is what I have. Dealing with "now" makes me relax a little. It's bullshit at first site, but in this minute, I'm surviving. I'm struggling moment to moment, but I'm okay if I remember and ask for help. One moment at a time.