Psychiatric Test Results...

[blueelectron9]

During my inpatient sexual recovery stay, I took the MMPI-II and another psychological test. I asked my inpatient therapist to go over the results with me. The MMPI was inconclusive because I had answered too many questions across the board, but the second test showed all the proof in the pudding of my various diagnoses, with the addition of some psychosis.

My IP-T suggested that I may be living in my own world a lot because of the amount of isolating that I did as a child. Rocket science here. It was a relief to be validated and to know that my Ts were correct in their diagnoses, but I was really hoping that the psychosis and parnoid results would not be there--simply because I didn't want to have any sort of "genetic" link to my family as far as emotional problems were concerned. I think that having a chemical problem in the brain is somehow impossible to overcome, but overcoming the hell of an abusive environment is possible because it's not genetic or chemically transferred.

Well, I'm home now after 26 days--only to return for another 12 days of outpatient treatment. I'm not sure how I feel about that--what's wrong with me to not be able to complete the 28-day program in 28 days? Reality is I'm on disability because I cannot function at my normal level and this was not exception. I had to take it very slowly and rest a lot between intense groups.

The good news is that I'm now involved with SA and SAA meetings in my area and I'm learning a lot about sexual addiction; and I'm learning a lot about my past sexual trauma and childhood abuse. The real key has been to get in touch with my inner child (little Scotty) by using a stuffed moose and dialoging. I also wrote a chat program on my calculator that stores dialogs between my adult and other alters/parts so that I can establish co-communication. The high-tech approach really works for me

Today is my second day on the outs, and I'm feeling a bit lost and don't feel like sitting through the second three hours of the Academy Awards. Snore. There's nothing fun to do around here anymore and I can't revert to my fantasizing and masturbating to make myself feel better, so I'm living life on life's terms and attempting to be happy and grateful. It helps when I say that I'm striving for progress, not perfection. Then I at least have a sense of positive direction.

I'm on meds for the psychosis and they help, but my alter personalities still come out and talk trash. I'm so smart in other ways, it seems like I should be able to "think" myself out of this.

Just bombarded with this cruel/not-so-cruel reality.

Thanks,
Scotty

 

[markgreyblue]

Scotty -
I really loved reading your post - it is great to read something someone writes that
insight into my own experience - and yet illuminates my experience even more - in the sense that - you express things i should probably be taking note of personally - and telling my therapist - although at times all of the baggage I have to deal with makes me so imprisoned in my mind and makes me feel like life is a prison-
that i would like to exit from more often than not -
but this note is helpful definitely - and I am going to think about it and see what i can do
to work on living life - succeeding at the basics for now -

 

[markgreyblue]

Scotty -
I really loved reading your post -
it is great to read something someone writes that
insight into my own experience - and yet illuminates my experience even more-
- in the sense that - you express things i should probably be taking note of personally - and telling my therapist - although at times all of the baggage I have to deal with makes me so imprisoned in my mind and makes me feel like life is a prison-
that i would like to exit from more often than not -
but this note is helpful definitely - and I am going to think about it and see what i can do
to work on living life - succeeding at the basics for now -

 

[Mike Church]

Scotty I am really happy that things are going better for you.

And hey reality is a strange thing for all of us when we experience it. I found to be boring and not nearly as fast a pace as my fantasy world. But now I find it really nice to be a bit bored sometimes and not always hanging on the edge of some cliff top waiting for whatever. I can actually relax and enjoy what is not happening around me.

Keep it up brother. It will grow on you.

 

[outis]

Scotty,

It's good to see you post. You seem to have a pretty positive feel about the work you're doing now.

it seems like I should be able to "think" myself out of this.

Thinking seems like such a panacea, doesn't it? We're taught to use our heads, approach problems from all sides, "think" outside the box. I struggle so much with the desire to understand what happened to me, and to think my way to something else. That is a major block for me right now, because thinking is not going to "fix" me, no matter what kinds of "success" it brought me in the past.

Hey, that chat program sounds way cool. I need something like that (and something smaller than a laptop to run it ).

Thanks for talking about your progress. Good news is always welcome.

Joe