protecting our sons

protecting our sons
P

protector

New Registrant
what do you think we, as parents, can do to protect our sons. last night i read the prevention articles but they didn't really seem to apply to me.

i have a 10 year old son with asperger's syndrome. i am aware that this diagnosis pre-disposes him to be abused. i am working to prevent that and would love your input as to what else i can do to help protect him.

thus far:
1) our children are not punished physically. i believe physical punishment sets a child up to believe his body is not his own.

2) we have taught our children that anything inside the reach of their arm could be a violation of personal space.

3) hugs and kisses are never forced.

4) tickling is rarely tolerated. if it were entirely my decision it would never be allowed. my partner does not come from an abusive background and views tickling fondly. our compromise has been that it is only allowed with a key phrase that must ALWAYS be respected. "please stop" is our key phrase.


those are the things that come to mind. do you have more ideas?
 
Protector
My only knowledge of Aspergers is from reading Mark Haddon's excellent book "The curious incident of the dog in the night" which describes the life of a young boy with Aspergers.
I would say you're being a bit 'strong' in saying "that this diagnosis pre-disposes him to be abused."
But I do understand your fear that a vulnerable young man can easily be taken advantage of, and for most of the guys here 'normal' vulnerability was enough for our abusers to gain advantage.

Am I right in thinking that Aspergers tends to make people very 'logical' in their thinking?
If it does then maybe use that logic to instil in him right from wrong as far as touch from strangers is concerned.
Christopher, the hero in the book, also tells the truth, and again I don't know if this is typical, but if it is then he's a lot less likely to keep an abusers secret than I was.

Dave
 
i found a short article about asperger's here:

https://www.asperger.net/newsletter_march02williams.htm

it touches briefly on the abuse connection. i was actually referring to abuse in general when i said that about pre-disposing him. boys with asperger's are frequently a target of bullies. i certainly did not mean that all aspie boys are abused. just as being a child of divorced parents makes that child more likely to abused, so does the quirkiness that comes along with asperger's syndrome.

i do agree that it is unlikely (next to impossible with my kiddo) that the abuse will be kept secret.

thank you for your reply--i hope my focus on his dx did not hurt anyone. i was also a target as a child and certainly did not mean to minimize anyone else's experience.
 
Hmmm, yes aspergers does pre-dispose that the child may have been abused.

I read a harrowing story of a mother who never sought medical help when she was dying of cancer, because two of her kids had aspergers.

The whole point of this, is that the social services had put these kids in the at risk category, so the woman thought that hospital treatment would lead to authorities removing her kids from her.

Just be a normal parent and love your child, and try and find the best treatment for him.

I am sure he gives you a lot of affection in his own way, but it is a sad thing in life,

ste
 
I've worked with a few kids with Asperger's over the years. Though none were known to be victims of sexual abuse (and there is nothing to even suggest abuse can cause Aspbergers), I think the poor social skills may make such a kid more likely to draw the attention of a "frienly adult" who can take advantage of the kid sexually.

Hard core pedophiles look for kids who tend to have poor peer relationships... they are more likely to see the abuser as a friend and would have fewer resources such as friends to talk to about the abuse or abuser.

Ken
 
protector,

If you're concerned about keeping your son safe from other kids, you could look to the schools. I know that in our district the kids learn about bullying and standing up to bullies at the same time they learn "Good Touch/Bad Touch" and that among other things, they are encouraged to speak up if they see another child being teased or hit.

I know that I feel better just knowing that teachers and other parents in the district have some awareness.
 
Here are two more pages on other forms of the syndrome https://info.med.yale.edu/chldstdy/autism/pddinfo.html and https://www.pediatricneurology.com/autism.htm Here are some sort of related sites about love shyness in men.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness and https://www.love-shy.com/ Love shy has the whole book Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and treatment by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin as a free download. It is well worth reading.
 
Originally posted by reality2k4:


I am sure he gives you a lot of affection in his own way, but it is a sad thing in life,

ste
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actually, i have five children. surprisingly he is the most affectionate. the others are all very affectionate but he--even more so. not only is he cuddly, he weighs nearly 100 lbs and is 5ft tall. imagine this child at full run coming home from school "MOMMY!!!" much like you would expect a pre-schooler to do. kids with asperger's do love to socialize, they are just very very bad at it. so a 10 year old who relates with others like a 4 year old, that's my son--but then for academic things he is more like a neurotypical 18 year old.

he is a pleasure to have around. i am honored to be parenting him, but i do know that he takes some getting used to and i don't trust many other kids around him.
 
Yeah, I used to talk with a woman who had a son with this syndrome.

It is unfortunate to say the least, that these kids are locked in their minds and find difficulty expressing themselves.

I found that story pretty hard to read, and I just hope that he can find the right path of treatment, but things are being more understood today,

I wish you well,

ste
 
If you havent read Mark Haddon's book "The curious incident of the dog in the night" ( ISBN 0-224-06378-2 ) then I would thouroughly recomend it.

It's a murder mystery novel, with a twist.
It's written from the perspective of the 15yo boy with aspergers, and apparently very accurate in it's depiction of the syndrome.
There's nothing triggering in the book, and it never seems to belittle or minimize the problems, but it doesn't pull any punches either, and is a superb read that made me so much more aware of this syndrome.

Dave
 
"he is a pleasure to have around. i am honored to be parenting him".

That brought a huge lump to my throat, I suspect that no one will be able to take advantage of him (or your other children) with a father like yourself.

The book "The curious incident of the dog in the night" was reviewed on the radio a little while back. I think I will be buying it next time I am in town.

I am not a parent but I do have two married stepdaughters and four grandchildren and I am well aware of the dangers out there and I am determind that those four children will not have to go through what I and many others have, you are aware and that is an excellent start.

Kirk
"Instigate change, as it appears it wont come naturally in our cause. Sometimes it needs a little forcing".
 
Hi Protector, question I don't remember anything from earlier than four years old. I seem to remember reading somewhere that you normally don't remember anything from before you start speaking. I started speaking at four years old. I also had double phenomena with fever at four years. I remember over hearing my mother saying that they were worried that I had autism, but when I started talking, they stopped worrying about that. I have always been outside my social group. I thought this was due to moving to 15 different schools between first grade and high school. But looking at all the symptoms on the web pages, if I had them they must not have been noticeable. I do have problems with spelling and grammar. I never had a normal dating experience I never dared to approach girls to ask them out. I was raped at 11, and never told for a very long time. I tend to see things as black or white, good or bad, no gray areas. In school I was very good in math.
Any way I was just wondering. if this fit anything.
 
I never heard of aspergers syndrome yeah? But then theres a lot of stuff I never heard of til recently. but i do know about kids being safe at least something. You guys asked what do you think we, as parents, can do to protect our sons. Ok heres what i think, but not as a parent.

I think grownups live on mars sometimes. like i see what u guys say & i sooooo get it man. but thats how it looks to you yeah? Not how it looks to a teenager. Want to know how to protect me?

Dont yell at me when i fuck up. I know i messed up man. I just wish i could take it back. Yeah we can talk about it but dont fuck me up more & dont hit me & punish me just to show you can do that.

Listen to me when I need to talk. Not like okay yeah whatever, but really listening. Im so scared & I need to see yr listening & whatever i say you hear it & were still okay.

Tell me you love me no matter what i do. Im already thinking a lot of totally stupid stuff about myself yeah? If you dont say you love me then drugs & bad people will, & thats the truth.

Let me get in yr face & tell you no sometimes. You dont have to win every time. & dont laugh at me cos thats so humiliating.

If things go bad then there is still stuff I need for you to do:

Show me how its gonna be better. Talk to me about what we can do & hold me & tell me im okay. Tell me its ok to cry & im not a sissy cos of that.

Tell me Im safe & make me believe that & nobody can hurt me anymore.

Help me understand that if i dont trust anybody thats just cos of what happened & not cos the world is against me & im a fuckup.

Make me believe its not my fault. Make me know Im not alone & im not dirty & worthless.

I guess this turned into a steep post.
Kev
 
You know somethng Kev?

I am probably twice your age & I am still waiting for my parents to "get it."


:mad:
 
Kev,

Show me how its gonna be better. Talk to me about what we can do & hold me & tell me im okay. Tell me its ok to cry & im not a sissy cos of that.

Tell me Im safe & make me believe that & nobody can hurt me anymore.

Help me understand that if i dont trust anybody thats just cos of what happened & not cos the world is against me & im a fuckup.

Make me believe its not my fault. Make me know Im not alone & im not dirty & worthless.
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Yeah, thats what I always wanted, it is all I ever dreamed of, but one day the dream comes true, because there is always somebody to take you there, and it may not be me, it might be many ppl' but I am sure you will get there,

ste
 
Kolisha
you're exactly right, I was never beaten or mistreated in any way by my parents, they loved me I know.

But I was raised by critisism rather than praise, and even at 52yo I still feel that way about my relationship with my very elderly parents. It's a very hard thing to get over as well.

Dave
 
I think maybe my post wasnt very good. I didnt mean to disrespect with that mars thing, I just meant sometimes its weird how diffrent people think depending on their age.

& I didnt mean im not protected in my own family cos i am. when i typed that stuff I was thinking of my birthdad & sometimes my mom gets on my case & picks at me & demands an answer for a question that doesnt have an answer (why did you run away, answer me), stuff like that. i hate that.

Kev
 
Kev - Your post had a lot of meaning for me.
 
i know where you are coming from kev. i felt the same way a lot of the time but my mom never gave up. after 12 or more hours drilling me for an answer i didnt have i would make one up so i could eat or sleep, if i could after haven been given the fith degree. i agree with you that adults dont always listen to us and i felt a lot of the time like i was stupid coz my mom and dad made me feel like i didnt know what i was talking about when ever i tryed talking to them. my mom still dose that to me to this day and i am sure to rub it in her face when i prove her wrong. i know i should not do that but it all just makes me so angree. your not alone bro.

well to protector i would think it would help to incerrage your son to bring his friends home form school. that would let you know what kind of kids he is hanging with. and talk to your sun. and like kev said listen to your son. you will learn so much and can use that to teach your son how to pretect him self. you can only protect him so much. and you can not be with him 150% of the time so teach him to pretect him self. i think that is also a good way to prevent something from happening. teach him to tell you if some one abuses him. teach him he can trust you always no matter what and that you are always there for him even when he has done something bad. think before you react to him. make sure you do not over react, that can hurt him not help him. i can tell you love him very much.

im Wild lightning
I am a survivor of abuse, child sexual abuse, and rape.
Stand up now, stand together, speak together, and together we can stop the hurt!
Now lets go out there and conquer the world!
 
SAR,

When you are not busy being mysterious in Gaboogistan, :) I can see you are occupied being a mother interested in how your school is looking after kids. I take your point, and yes, if the schools are offering real support and intervention then that's great.

The problem is that sometimes the schools' programs are just on paper. At least that was my experience in Europe, where both of my kids were raised and educated. You walk around the school and they have posters up about reporting bullying, but then your own son comes home with stories of being bullied! I took this straight back to the school and they told me they had no knowledge of any such incidents. I persisted, and what I got was advice to tell my son next time go tell the monitor right then and there: i.e. squeal in front of all his friends. When I protested along these lines and asked what steps are really being taken to prevent bullying, they told me they can't be everywhere at once and that their program basically ended once the posters went up. I think for kids the general result of incidents like this is that they distrust their schools and teachers as resources they can call upon when things go bad, for example if some adult makes a frightening advance. They trust their friends more, simply because their friends are really there for them. But even those they probably won't tell.

That brings us back to what Kevin and Blake are talking about. If we genuinely want protection for our kids, the first line of defense has to be with us as their parents: maintaining a relationship in which we build up their confidence and self-esteem on a daily basis and make them understand that they can trust us with even the most terrible news.

I am sure you feel the same way. I just wanted to add this as a note on the role of the schools. If things are different in the USA, great.

Larry
 
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