I spent two years in that hell. I thought I could leave it in the past when I left it physically, but I was sorely mistaken. I notice I'm revisiting it more and more often, and the weight of the burden is getting heavier as time passes. This surprises me, as I would think it would lessen over time, the further one got away from it. At least for me, this is not the case. Sometimes the guilt and shame squeeze my heart so tightly, I half expect it to stop beating just from the pressure.
I was thinking I might be able to connect with people who have been in a similar situation, to see how they've managed the emotions and feelings of guilt and shame (noting that they are not the same as the feelings of guilt and shame of the childhood sexual abuse, but similar). I was wondering if they've ever told their wife or partner, and what that person's reaction was. If they've discussed the situation with their therapist, I would like to know if they've been given any insight on how to begin the long, slow process of self-forgiveness, and too, if such a thing has actually ever transpired. I've many, many questions to ask, I suppose I'm just not sure where to begin -- maybe this post is the starting point.
I've never told my partner about this part of my past; as a matter of fact I've never spoken of it outside of MaleSurvivor, and only to a select few. I'm feeling increasingly guilty for not telling Nick -- I believe he has a right to know. To the ends of the earth, I have no idea how to tell him, and even less of an idea about how he will react.
~Yves
PS: To those who wish to correspond privately, please feel free to do so. Anything that you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence. Thank you.
