progress
Dear all
Sorry for the long silence. These days not so much time to write and have time to myself. I work full time and my studies have started again, I am looking for an internship in Canada (working with male survivors, not easy to find ! Not the survivors, hey
, just the proper institution ou center)and I am dealing with new issues for my own healing. So my brain is working at full speed and I am exhausted most of the time. I apologize for not having the strength to answer though I read very interesting things here !
As for V., I am learning not to be dependant and it's getting easier. This is our third break up, I am starting to understand that though Vincent is trying his best at sabotage, he also needs the symbolic fracture of a break up to be able to face his horrific issues. This is not an excuse for what he has done. Strangely enough, we both grow from these break up, every time we go deeper into ourselves to to heal at a deeper level.
His affair was clearly a BIG regression phase, everything spoke for it: an unsual silent, unshaven man (clear sign with Vincent that he is in depression), kiddy attitude and talks about old cartoons...The affair is over but it seems he hasn't recognized yet he was replaying the victim role. It was very striking he was being used as an object and treated like shit and he could not escape. Finally he could because he initiated the break up (actually after reading my message here. he knows I am a member and that I can't really post on the French website).
He managed to write on the other site, in response to a female survivor friend whose boyfriend is in the process of disclosing his own abuse, that I had done all the right thing. He said he needed time alone, that heavy stuff were resurfacing but he was not able to talk but was greatly supported knowing that I felt for him and was him through thoses difficult times.
He was even encouraging me to live my life and be happy while he is dealing with his pain.
This is such a breakthrough ! I honestly believe that we were for sure in co-dependency until the break up in July but since then, I think the relationship has changed a lot. I have learnt to protect myself, I have registered for dates on the net where the only guy who picked me, very nice guy, is a survivor !
Anyway I am learning to cease the days as they come. I have realized that my fast pace for healing is my own and I have to respect his, which is much slower. He knows he has hurt me a lot. His level of shame and guilt is high, he can barely look at me in the eyes.
He is learning how to trust me and that in itself is a major issue in sexual abuse. I am not sitting around doing nothing, I have stopped giving too much. I have understood that for most of the issues, he has to face them on his own.
At some point I will have to tell him he has hurt me and this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.
so that's it for my news. I am seeing him Saturday and I am really anxious to see what's going to happen. I will look for the clear sign: Vincent with a clean shave , looking gorgeous and using the perfume I got him for Xmas, Dolce Gabana (so sexy guys ! I just would want to kiss him in the neck and all over with that perfume ! lol !)
Ah ces franaises !!!!!!
Love and blessing to all
Caroline
Sorry for the long silence. These days not so much time to write and have time to myself. I work full time and my studies have started again, I am looking for an internship in Canada (working with male survivors, not easy to find ! Not the survivors, hey
, just the proper institution ou center)and I am dealing with new issues for my own healing. So my brain is working at full speed and I am exhausted most of the time. I apologize for not having the strength to answer though I read very interesting things here ! As for V., I am learning not to be dependant and it's getting easier. This is our third break up, I am starting to understand that though Vincent is trying his best at sabotage, he also needs the symbolic fracture of a break up to be able to face his horrific issues. This is not an excuse for what he has done. Strangely enough, we both grow from these break up, every time we go deeper into ourselves to to heal at a deeper level.
His affair was clearly a BIG regression phase, everything spoke for it: an unsual silent, unshaven man (clear sign with Vincent that he is in depression), kiddy attitude and talks about old cartoons...The affair is over but it seems he hasn't recognized yet he was replaying the victim role. It was very striking he was being used as an object and treated like shit and he could not escape. Finally he could because he initiated the break up (actually after reading my message here. he knows I am a member and that I can't really post on the French website).
He managed to write on the other site, in response to a female survivor friend whose boyfriend is in the process of disclosing his own abuse, that I had done all the right thing. He said he needed time alone, that heavy stuff were resurfacing but he was not able to talk but was greatly supported knowing that I felt for him and was him through thoses difficult times.
He was even encouraging me to live my life and be happy while he is dealing with his pain.
This is such a breakthrough ! I honestly believe that we were for sure in co-dependency until the break up in July but since then, I think the relationship has changed a lot. I have learnt to protect myself, I have registered for dates on the net where the only guy who picked me, very nice guy, is a survivor !
Anyway I am learning to cease the days as they come. I have realized that my fast pace for healing is my own and I have to respect his, which is much slower. He knows he has hurt me a lot. His level of shame and guilt is high, he can barely look at me in the eyes.
He is learning how to trust me and that in itself is a major issue in sexual abuse. I am not sitting around doing nothing, I have stopped giving too much. I have understood that for most of the issues, he has to face them on his own.
At some point I will have to tell him he has hurt me and this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.
so that's it for my news. I am seeing him Saturday and I am really anxious to see what's going to happen. I will look for the clear sign: Vincent with a clean shave , looking gorgeous and using the perfume I got him for Xmas, Dolce Gabana (so sexy guys ! I just would want to kiss him in the neck and all over with that perfume ! lol !)
Ah ces franaises !!!!!!
Love and blessing to all
Caroline
