Progress (kinda long...)

[swandive]

Things are progressing. I'm not sure that it's all positive, as made apparent in a response I wrote to TracyUK in my 'Tonight I started reading 'Victims No Longer' post, but things are progressing.

Last night my b/f came over and we did the whole cute cuddling and talking thing for awhile. And then he picked up Mike Lew's book and skimmed the intro. I made sure he knew that he didn't have to look at it now and I would put the books away if he wanted me to.

He said it was fine and kept reading. He asked me if I saved the address of his abuser, which he had found one day last fall (when he was seriously considering contacting his sister to find out whether or not he works with/has children). I asked why he wanted it and he told me he wanted to send him a letter with just one line, saying that he 'will be punished.' I told him that I too have though about a mean-spirited one line letter. "You know what you did and God will thusly punish you." It made him laugh and he said that he liked that line better, but he wanted to make it sound more like it could be either God or my b/f personally, that will punish him. I told him that I didn't know that it would be safe to send either letter, especially one which implies that my b/f will be the one doing the punishing. I just don't want him to get caught up in any legal issues, that and I really don't think he should try to contact that guy without seriously discussing it with his therapist. I don't know what he wants to get out of it, but I want him to be aware that he might get nothing from it, or open himself up to a response from the guy.

I also let him know, again, that he didn't have to do anything he wasn't ready for. And I told him that although I will be reading these books, and coming to my own conclusions about the impact of the abuse, I will let him come to his own conclusions about it. However, I included that should he ever want my opinion, I would be willing to share.

And I told him that I wanted to know that he doesn't have to tell me everything, or anything for that matter. And I never want him to feel pressured to discuss what happened or what he thinks of it now. But I told him I would NEVER turn him away if he wanted or needed to talk. He said that he wants me to know everything, and added that he has already told me everything he remembers. And he said that he doesn't want to go through these things without me knowing about it all. Then I reminded him that although I appreciate his honesty, he doesn't have to talk about anything that's uncomfortable for him, and he is free to change his mind about what is or isn't uncomfortable to talk about.

We also talked about his therapist. And he said that he doesn't think his therapist is really trained to help someone deal with CSA. He said he WILL look into possibly getting a new therapist, if he can find one he is comfortable with. *smile*

Oh, but in the end he suddenly slammed the book down. I asked him if something he read upset him, and if he would like to talk about it. He said he didn't know what upset him. So I posed the question, 'Is it something the content of this book that upsets you, or, is it that you have a vested interest in the content of this book that bothers you?' He said it was having to read books like this that makes him so angry. He told me, "I just suddenly had the urge to throw this book across the room, and THAT really scares me." All I could say was that things will be okay, and I asked him if I could give him a hug. And that was that.

I'm really not sure why I'm telling you all this. I think part of me is looking for someone to tell me if I am doing this right or wrong or if anyone could ever really know?!?! I think I kind of just need this post, and this forum, to convince me this is all really happening. I knew for a long time that we would eventually have to deal with this, but now that it's happening, I can hardly believe it. So much has happened in this last month...it feels like downhill skiing. We are just barely getting started but I am already amazed by the momentum, and right now I am just trying not to hit a tree on my way down.

 

[Nobbynobs]

I think Victims No More should have a foam rubber cover, because I've wanted to throw that damn book across the room too.

This is a very generous thing you are doing for your boyfriend, but be very careful with yourself. It is really easy to get caught up with an abuse survivor, and we tend to be very emotionally draining to those around us. It is especially important to be careful to provide only support and not "therapy," i.e., try to steer away from analysis, etc. There is definitely a danger that your b/f might become more dependent on you for his recovery, and that is not good for either one of you. Recovery requires professional help, it's as simple as that.

My wife simply stayed out of all the therapy components of my recovery and just provided the support I needed, whether that was when I needed someone to talk to, or making a special meal, or simply just being there.

That said, thanks again for trying to help out a fellow survivor. We need all the help we can get and I really admire your courage and compassion in helping your boyfriend.

TC,

Nobby

 

[swandive]

Thanks for the encouragement.

As for steering away from analysis...I really am trying my best. I know that when I suggest he do something or consider something...he tries harder to resist it and sometimes becomes totally opposed to my ideas (not about SA, just life in general). So basically, I am not suggesting to him what I think might be going on because I don't think he will ever consider it if I am the one to bring it to his attention. It kind of feels like a catch-22 in our daily life, but I think knowing he is like this makes it easier to not try to be his therapist. All I want is to be his partner and to be successful at loving him in the way that he needs.

 

[Trish4850]

Gabrielle,

Wow. What you are going through right now is exactly what I was going through starting in October of last year. I learned so much and it was brutally hard not to give a speech to my b/f every time we talked about the s/a and tell him how smart I had gotten {what a crock!}

I bit my tongue a lot because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I really didn't understand why. If I know what you need to do to fix the problem, why not just listen to me and it'll all get better? {once again, what a crock!}

It took months of listening to the people on these boards and a few visits to a therapist of my own for the magnitude of all this to really sink in. You'll hear over and over and over again that the survivor has to do his own healing, we can't do it for them. It's a pretty simple concept really, but very difficult for an s/o to do.

I started seeing a therapist about a month and a half ago. Speaking face to face with someone who absolutely knows what my b/f is going through and what I'm going through was/is priceless. She helps me to be the best support I can be for him, and gives me tools to deal with my own emotions at the same time. If I tell her something I believe is happening to him/us, shell validate what I feel, but shes very quick to tell me that I should not analyze him. He has a T for that.

I have a lot more I could say, but Im distracted cause I have work to do (isnt it a pain when work gets in the way of your personal life? }

ROCK ON...........Trish

 

[clemente]

Gabrielle:

Victims No Longer was the first book I read and I gave a copy to my b/f. Now I'm reading "Abused Boys" by Mic Hunter and it is a good follow up. If VNL helped to identify the issues the stem from CSA, then Abused Boys outlines some strategies for dealing with the issues. I especially liked his information for partners and his explanation of the healing process as analagous to the grieving process: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance. Of course, people bounce back and forth in each of the areas, but it helps me to have a name and to realize that, oh wow, I am really pissed...okay, that's normal...