Progress I Have Been Told
Friday night was an interesting night. I was at a friends house and I went to the bedroom to get changed. I had a difficult week, talking and reliving the abuse and having to speak about periods of the PTSD and certain triggers--which I do not like to tell all to certain people. But I had to share some because they were noted in various reports.
Next thing I knew I was in the downstairs of the home. It is what happened before that which concerned me. I gather I went to the bedroom and somewhere along the way I began to dissociate--I was exhausted and worn down but did not feel dejected or anything. I was told they heard a bang and they came up the stairs. They looked in and the window was opened and I was gone. They quickly ran outside and I gather they found me and led me back to the house. I was supposedly very polite but could not answer any of their questions about who I was or who they were. They said I kept asking to leave. It was a short episode when I came back and then I learned how I came to the downstairs of the home.
Spoke with the doctor and he said I was making progress--I said progress I thought would be when these episodes cease. He said yes but this one was short and reminiscent of an event in my life. He reminded me I have been reliving the trauma for the past several months, speaking of the abuse, traveling to the diocese, disclosing more specifics to the diocese and he knows I did not tell all because of my fears. I told much of the abuse but limited the disclosure of the triggers in the home because lawyers and doctors as well as the diocese has said they show signs of very disturbed individuals who should not be protected. Some have said they would risk my life to hide the truth of what they have done from the day they abandoned me while I suffered syncope through the next 15 plus years. I try to smooth it out so as not have many think what is probably the truth of who they are and have become. He said I should hide and be fearful of what they did to me because they are aspects of the trauma that needs to be resolved. He said they will not help to resolve my trauma because their abandonment as a child is a trauma for them to resolve. How each of them processed it is different but their behaviors are classic and the one who was abandoned and their family who instigated much of the abandonment live in denial choosing to put 100% of the blame on me. I know the children have issues but they prefer to deny and take others down through mockery, making fun and laughing at, which was a pattern with members but not all of their other family.
I was lost and he said I recreated a trigger event--he said think what I had to do when I was locked in the office in my house. I said I climbed out the window. He believes (but gave a caveat-their understanding of trauma and dissociation is still evolving)I am progressing through the trauma by recreating an event to escape from the the abuse of being locked in the office which was similar to being in the church cellar. The event was climbing out the window as I did when faced with being locked in a room in recent years. I asked how did I get to the ground because I was on the second floor. He said he did not know but people in dissociative states can retain most of their senses and only lose identity and place. I asked where was I going, and he laughed and said we still do not know the answer but he said it appears I am running to safety now and not the abuse. In the past I may have been running to the abuse, for part of me saw the abuse as safety. He said I am begin to accept the child within. I will take his word because when I did come out it, I did not have the anxiety I usually possessed after an episode..
Through all this I seem to have lost my phone. I know I brought it in the house and was going to charge it. I do not remember if I plugged it in. It has been missing since Friday night. I know it is in their house somewhere or did I lose it during my escape. They are continuing to look for it--In a way it is nice not to be encumbered with the phone--I have the laptop for emails and that seems sufficient. Hopefully it is found.
Thought I would share--sounds like progress in this healing journey which is good news to me. I just need to get rid of the depressed moods that seem to take over at times. In time I guess.
Kevin
Next thing I knew I was in the downstairs of the home. It is what happened before that which concerned me. I gather I went to the bedroom and somewhere along the way I began to dissociate--I was exhausted and worn down but did not feel dejected or anything. I was told they heard a bang and they came up the stairs. They looked in and the window was opened and I was gone. They quickly ran outside and I gather they found me and led me back to the house. I was supposedly very polite but could not answer any of their questions about who I was or who they were. They said I kept asking to leave. It was a short episode when I came back and then I learned how I came to the downstairs of the home.
Spoke with the doctor and he said I was making progress--I said progress I thought would be when these episodes cease. He said yes but this one was short and reminiscent of an event in my life. He reminded me I have been reliving the trauma for the past several months, speaking of the abuse, traveling to the diocese, disclosing more specifics to the diocese and he knows I did not tell all because of my fears. I told much of the abuse but limited the disclosure of the triggers in the home because lawyers and doctors as well as the diocese has said they show signs of very disturbed individuals who should not be protected. Some have said they would risk my life to hide the truth of what they have done from the day they abandoned me while I suffered syncope through the next 15 plus years. I try to smooth it out so as not have many think what is probably the truth of who they are and have become. He said I should hide and be fearful of what they did to me because they are aspects of the trauma that needs to be resolved. He said they will not help to resolve my trauma because their abandonment as a child is a trauma for them to resolve. How each of them processed it is different but their behaviors are classic and the one who was abandoned and their family who instigated much of the abandonment live in denial choosing to put 100% of the blame on me. I know the children have issues but they prefer to deny and take others down through mockery, making fun and laughing at, which was a pattern with members but not all of their other family.
I was lost and he said I recreated a trigger event--he said think what I had to do when I was locked in the office in my house. I said I climbed out the window. He believes (but gave a caveat-their understanding of trauma and dissociation is still evolving)I am progressing through the trauma by recreating an event to escape from the the abuse of being locked in the office which was similar to being in the church cellar. The event was climbing out the window as I did when faced with being locked in a room in recent years. I asked how did I get to the ground because I was on the second floor. He said he did not know but people in dissociative states can retain most of their senses and only lose identity and place. I asked where was I going, and he laughed and said we still do not know the answer but he said it appears I am running to safety now and not the abuse. In the past I may have been running to the abuse, for part of me saw the abuse as safety. He said I am begin to accept the child within. I will take his word because when I did come out it, I did not have the anxiety I usually possessed after an episode..
Through all this I seem to have lost my phone. I know I brought it in the house and was going to charge it. I do not remember if I plugged it in. It has been missing since Friday night. I know it is in their house somewhere or did I lose it during my escape. They are continuing to look for it--In a way it is nice not to be encumbered with the phone--I have the laptop for emails and that seems sufficient. Hopefully it is found.
Thought I would share--sounds like progress in this healing journey which is good news to me. I just need to get rid of the depressed moods that seem to take over at times. In time I guess.
Kevin
