procrastination

procrastination
Here's another of mine. When I receive my mail in the morning sometimes I find it difficult to open certain letters. No idea why - I haven't a clue what's in them. After awhile this stuff accumulates, and my assistant and I joke about my system for dealing with these neglected items: incoming --> neglected --> important --> urgent --> desperate --> hopeless --> trash.

Much love,
Larry
 
Another procrastinator here, I wanted (thought I wanted) to answer this ages ago. I also put stuff off to the last possible moment and get in problems because of not doing it.

Recently I noticed i put off buying toilet paper for ages. I mean it is really embarrassing in the checkout at the supermarket with a package of toilet paper. Me, have an Arsehole? Why yes, sorry!

I get good excuses, because conditions must be right. ie, after dark so nobody in the street notices I'm carrying, and no rain so the paper doesn't get wet, and some other rules I cannot recall, but cannot ignore when they are in force.
HUm.
 
Procrastination! Thats my middle name. I always guilt myself for not doing tasks and I dread them even when they are small and simple tasks. My thing is that I guilt myself afterwards for feeling happy and giving myself credit for doing those tasks. As if I don't deserve a sense of a "job well done". Why not? Because someone from my childhood said so. They said I don't deserve happiness, directly and indirectly. Well, all I gotta say is F..k'em! Their opinion is irrelevant to me anymore. If I feel I did a good job, I will enjoy that notion Damnit!

Ok, I gotta study for a midterm I have at 9:00 in the morning tomorrow. I had all week to study for it too! imagine that! Procrastination? No way! not me!
 
Procrastination, that seems like the buzz word of my life, but as all things in life I keep fuelling it, by regularly controlling myself to do things right and/or at the right time or the right way. this excessive self controlling builds a kind of self resistance in me, so when time comes to really act I dither, or procrastinate. Also I want things to be perfect, so I will not do it, if the time is not right or I cant do them right, so I feel I cant do so, I will dither, knowing that it is only my fear of imperfection that making to step back from acting out, so my current pratcise is to learn to do things knowing that its ok if I do things wrongly.

Till I keep controlling myself at one end I would keep procrastinating at the other. I fear getting wrong so much that have to do things right, that makes me a perfectionist, I dont want to goof up 'again'.
 
I really connect with the thought of me being a control freak myself, having control myself for so long to not goff up to annoy my parents.
I still want things to do things perfectly, so that they would love me at least, because somehow I had gathered that if they dont love me, it is, was all my fault, so I am correcting that now, by doing thing wrongly dilebrately and telling myself its ok.
Like earlier shopping useld to be a hellish experience, as I coul dnever decided which colour or trouser to buy, or out of five cds I like, howmany I love and how should I buy these wrere all questions that faze me now. but now I have started listening to my heart now more andmore, as my mind is decidedly screwed up. may be it is good. as it is forcing me to listen to my heart, my self, earlier when I didn't I tried to control myself toooooo much hide my fears and all, while I was collapsing inside.
 
This brings me to the point that I am trying too hard at times, to do things right way or what I think is right.

There are many things where 'normal' people also get stuck or confused, but they dont flagilate themselves over it. I tend to be over analyse as part of my over self protection and imagine numerous self illness.
As my T once warned, over analysis can lead to perilious cicrcumstances as self diagnosis is a perilious thing, when your tool of analysis, the mind is itself warped, as it is right now. Allow your mind to rest and heal before depending on it completely...
Meanwhile turn to a Higher wisdom within you and let it guide you. Let it show you what is right for you and what is not.

Gradually I am beginning to leave so many of my imagined problems and beginning not to turn everything into a problem or an issue, sometimes the best solution is to let go. I think at the crux of it all is Self compassion that I am willing to practise now, it is ok to gooof up or get confused, we all do.

As the famous prayer of AA goes:
GOD GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN'T,
AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
 
Ok got it, just as there is always a flip side always to every situation, my problem of procrastination is rooted in my pushing myself too hard.
I rush up things too much and myself to do, complete things faster and faster, so this repression comes up on the other end of the spectrum as procrastination, a pro-test against own repression.

Patience is my lesson here, as I allow myself to ease up, I will do other things on time.

Thank u
 
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