Problems with Sex

Problems with Sex
S

survivingdaybyday

New Registrant
I haven't seen my issue posted on here. I am recently in a relationship. When my partner tries to be sexual with me, I freeze up and can't get an erection. I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up and feel the panic go through my body. I have been working with a therapist for 8 mos now but he has not been able to help me. I am fearful that I will ruin this relationship because of my sexual issues, while the rest of the relationship so far has been great. Has anyone had this issue, and how did you resolve it? I think that I am having a trigger when I feel that my partner wants to have sex with me and I have to 'perform'. When I was abused (age 5) my abuser tries to get me to get an erection, which I fought against.
 
Relax!

It is a question of trust, trust that you would not be abuse if you allow yourself to become vulnerable again. Yes you do become vulnerable when you open up sexually to another being.

Luckily for me girlfriend understood the situation and took it slow, she allowed me to become confortable with our bodies and told me not to panic if I could not rise up to the occassion. It didnt matter, she loved me too much to have this as a barrier, we just enjoyed each others intimacy, while cuddling. This brought me to a point where I could rediscover the sacred and the joyous side of sex, rather than that of power struggle. And sure enough, I was ready to go in a short period.

The important thing is to not make performance a self esteem issue. It just my dick which is afraid of risng up and getting hurt, once it realises it is safe, it would. It is more a mental problem than a mechanical one.

I AM SAFE and I can do ANYTHING I want in life and most of all, I CAN BE MYSELF, that is the turning point here to watch out for. Once you realise that, the rest will just fall in place.

Relax!
 
Surviving,

I think that a lot of this has to do with the fact that if a boy learns from abuse that sex is about him being used, mistreated and exploited, that creates a very unstable foundation for his later feelings about sexuality, espectially specific sexual acts.

Bear in mind too that when an abused boy has an erection the abuser often tells him that this proves he likes or wants what is happening, so the boy feels betrayed by his own body.

I have to admit that while I feel I have made great progress in other areas, being able to "perform" sexually is still an area where I need a lot of work. The problems you are having sound very familiar to me.

Resolving a problem like this takes a lot of time and honest work with a therapist I think, and an essential first step is to try not to feel guilty or inadequate when these problems arise. Like every other aspect of abuse, this is not our fault; we are simply reacting to a terrible childhood experience that has not yet been resolved.

Much love,
Larry
 
oh Yeh, I can relate.

It is weird b/c I never really felt anxious with girlfriends, but I have near panic attacks while being intimate with my wife.

I am learning there is a difference between sex and intimacy. Being intimate seems to open up a lot of vulnerability for me.

The best thing I have done is talk to my wife about it. Recovery is an ongoing experience for both her and I. We are working on stepping back and taking it slow. Sex isn't even on the map right now. Just holding and progressing until I get anxious, then we stop and talk about it with the hope that over time I will get more comfortable and less anxious. It is tough work.

Hang in there...
 
Thanks for all of the great advice. The simple fact that others have / are going through the same issue helps a lot. At least it would seem that there is some hope. I just wish that this came with some 'how to' guide to recovery. I have read a lot of books, but none talk about this issue & how to get past it. I am just not sure just where to start when talking about this. My partner knows of my abusive history & is willing to take things slow. This is just a humiliating topic which I guess I feel I have no control over.
 
Surviving
I've been married for just over 31 years now, and intimate sex is something that I struggle with.

It hasn't always been this way in our marriage, but maybe some of that was down to youthful vigour?

Much of my problem still comes down to the feeling that 'sex' is something still related to waht happened to me as a boy, I still can't fully seperate the 'dirty' feeling of the abuse from the loving and intimate feeling of sex with my wife, even though in almost all other respects my healing has been a great success as far as we're both concerned.

It's our ongoing problem now, and something that we're both determined to overcome by trusting each other and not looking at sex as some kind of performance.
If I can't get an erection then so be it, I'll find something else to do that gives us both pleasure. Hopefully that pleasure will lead to me feeling less under pressure, less likely to lead to failure and the feeling of sharing sex with someone I love.

It's not easy, and it does take huge understanding and effort for both partners, but if you both feel it's right then it's got to be worth it?

Dave
 
This is one of the areas of my life in which the abuse has affected me most. I have not deigned to marry, or even enter a committed relationship with anyone. I've had girlfriends in the past, sure, and I tried sex a couple of times (mostly because I felt it was something a person at my age in such a situation was expected to do at that particular time), and it never took, with me.

I don't know whether I have the same problem as daybyday, because I haven't had the chance to find out. As I grew up, I didn't have the obsession with sex that most teens have, I didn't have the drive. I've been able to emotionally love, I believe; yet since those first couple of attempts I've actively made decisions which would prevent any sort of potential sexual situation from springing up (difficult to articulate without making a bad pun here, sorry guys). I push sex away, and I think I do it because I don't want to have to deal with the issues that you all are dealing with. How will I feel? Will my memories get in the way? Will I start making some involuntary comparisons? I'm afraid I will. How could I not? It's like driving past your old house or school, and trying not to think to yourself, "I was there". Like driving down a road and trying to -not- think about the horrible auto accident you once had on it, even as you drive past the very spot it happened. Where the guardrail is still dented.

I don't want to deal with it, so I don't. I don't know whether that's completely healthy, but I hope one day to be able to change it. It would be great to have sex and think only about what it -is- right then, instead of what it once was. I'm just not ready yet. Until I am, I simply won't drive down that road.
 
Where the guardrail is still dented.
Click to expand...
I've made a few dents in 'guardrails' of my own, and through my abuse I've seen even more dents.
But the guardrails always held up, my coping mechanisms - however bad they were - always seemed to bounce me back onto whatever road I was on.

Dave
 
I'm not worried about crashing again, to continue the analogy; it's not that seeing where the accident took place could prompt another accident. But the scars are still there, and while it may not be painful to think about them, if I had my 'ruthers I'd not think about them at all. But you can't -help- but remember, when you see something like the dent that your own car put in the guardrail - you have no choice. So, I avoid thinking about such things by avoiding doing things (like having sex) which would make me think about those things. It's avoidance, plain and simple, and I know I'll have to get over it eventually, when I'm ready.
 
mill,
I dont see any one forfeiting their Drivers Lisense just because you had a car accident once, and that too because the other driver was rashly or plain drunk. Now that is not being fair on yourself.

If you are afraid of driving on the highway, why not start by practising again in your motor way, all by yourself. That is the way all teenagers start, right.

So go ahead, rediscover the joy of driving and find why millions of cars course thru this planet everyday. To feel the brush of air thru your hair.
Soon you'd raring to hit Route 66.
 
Please define or redefine sex. I'm not sure I understand entirely what is occurring ... an erection is necessary to have sex ... there is an entire world of sexual experiences including using toys. Since the vast majority of women do not orgasm through intercourse and require more forms of sexplay/foreplay what defines sex needs to be broad. For me sex starts the night before I want sex with a phone call simply telling my partner that I'm thinking about her and look forward to doing x, y, and z with her. Look at tantric sex which is more of a spiritual connection type of experience rather than a physical experience.

Yes, sometimes I don't want to have intercourse, especially recently. I try and take charge and get us to do something else.

Try coming up with your own sex game. Use cards that have the sexual things that you are comfortable with performing. The game is to do what ever on the cards, but only what's on the cards. Hell put them in order so you know what's coming next. You can add more daring items later.

Point being we need to redfine what is sex for each of us, focus on our comfort zone, and be willing to slowly expand/explore the wide variety of sex.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Surviving,

Gosh you story sounds all to familiar. I have had similar problems and have been embarrased many times with guys that I have been with because I could not get an erection. This is a very normal response and unfortunately a very stressful one.

How does one get past it? You are wise to realize that you are being triggered when your partner initiates sex, because you are being triggered. Triggeres happen because there are unresolved issues. For me when I am triggered I look at what the trigger is telling me and try and work thru it.

What I realized from my own triggers when I had sex with guys, was how scared I was. I was terrified that I would get hurt, they would get rough with me, that I would not be able to control it if things got out of hand. I was still living in with that little boy perception and interpreting my current situation based on that little boy perception and fears. You can resolve this my being aware of how this trigger makes you feel and then begin to know that this is no longer the truth, that you are a grown man and you have a voice, a choice in the whole thing now. Also by knowing that it is ok to enjoy sex (this was a huge thing for me) and there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex.

I am not in a partnership or have a BF so one of the things I have had to do is have sexual encounter just so I can work thru that fear and know that I was not that little boy again. Boy this had been the hardest thing Ihad to do but well worth the time, effort and energy. It has been very helpful for me. Now my fear as diminished just about all the way and I can get erections and enjoy sex. In fact I have probably gone a little crazy lately. LOL

you are fortunate, that you have a partner and he knows. He sounds willing to work with you. Take it slow. Maybe start by just being comfortable holding him, touching him and vice versa. Knowing it is safe to do that and then build from there.

You can move beyond this and will. It is not impossible and you will love it once you move out of that fear.

Love and light man

Dominic
 
You said you've seen a therapist for 8 month. These issues take time and there are a lot of them. We all wish we could snap our fingers and heal but unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Telling your partner about what you are going through can ease your fear immensely. Take it slow. Go at your pace, not theirs, if you feel uncomfortable, you can stop. Remember that. Sexual healing is challenging and it takes a while. There is also no reason to feel ashamed or behind everyone else in that department. You are exactly where you need to be. Keep tryin, you'll get better. I know how you feel. Something that helped me was a big yellow book called "the courage to heal" by Laura Davis. You can get it in any book store. Probably one of the greatest purchases I ever made. It deals with about any issue around sexual abuse you could think of and it has done me a lot of good.
 
It is very helpful knowing that others have been through the same issues and have been able to overcome them. I have made some progress in this area (finally) but I think that I have a ways to go. Thanks again.
 
all this applies to me too. often could get a hardon for a while then lose it. very difficult to come with either women (young me) or now men, not that i'm happily living gay. i'm always afraid of sex, hope my partner won't want to, and i hide from it. and i fantasize about S&M. and now i'm applying for psych disability and federal benefits. happy my 55th birthday last week, huh?

thanks for being here, guys.
 
TYPING MISTAKE: meant ****now that i'm happily gay***. i did not mean that i am not happily gay. sheesh, what a freudian slip typo, if it was. yoicks. yoicks.
 
Surviving,

I wish I could help you on this issue.
For me and my SoulMate, it has been a very difficult 4+ years, since the memories of the SA resurfaced in my mind.
I cannot entertain the thought of anything sexual happening to me in real life, w/o triggering the hell out of my psyche. I cannot even touch myself, w/o shuddering in fear/revulsion.
My efforts at counseling has been insulting, to say the least. The 'County' leaves much to be desired in this field.

I can only wish you well in your endeavor(s), and hope that things work out for you in the long haul.

I believe that open communication with your partner is extremely important for your relationship. Letting him/her know how you are feeling, and what you are going through counts for a LOT, IMHO.

Be Well!

Whicker
 
surviving....i have had this same exact issue....i have been in a relationship for 13 years...the first three were very rocky because of my history of abuse and my reaction to intimate sex....just sex with no emotion invovled was never an issue...but the kind of sex one has with the one you love is a totally different animal...i recoiled for those years...and now he is having difficulty reconciling the rejection he felt for those first years....all i can say is that we are who we are...and we react the way we react...but your partner is not your abuser...and keep reminding yourself of that....maybe hollow words here...but they are from experience and the heart...i now live for those moments when i am held and feel the safety of my partners arms.....steve
 
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