Problems Seeking Help

Problems Seeking Help
H

Happenstance

Registrant
A few of you already know of my delimma; for those that do not, I was abused by a male babysitter when I was 7, my stepson was abused by his baseball coach when he was 12. Doe is 15 now, I am 36.

It was suggested by several of you that I seek some sort of joint counseling, which I thought was an excellent idea; however, the thereapist we have had him seeing declined seeing us both at the same time, and the local "behavioral health center"(even crazy folks get the politically correct treatment!) does counseling for children in one building and adults in another. I am at a loss. The lady at the center suggested group therapy, but he is not open to that; joint therapy, yes, but not group.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? I do not want to see a therapist by myself as the whole point was to help him. Would it be enough if he saw me going to a therapist? I doubt it; teenagers start loosing faith in their parent's ability to tell the truth once puberty hits. Any other suggestions, guys?
 
Happenstance - Yet another roadblock and you've barely started down Recovery Road.

Yes, I think Doe would be pleased to see you doing what you are telling him is necessary for his healing. You've both suffered similar abuses. Both need to be addressed similarly.

You could still walk this road together, even if you don't start out in the same room. See a therapist on your own, I think you can visualize the benefits. And let him do therapy on his own. You can spend plenty of time comparing notes, sharing thoughts and emotions and reading books on the subject.

As you've probably surmised, this recovery thing takes time. Your circumstances will change over time, as will Doe's. There may be opportunities in the future to do joint therapy, there may not. But don't put a halt to your own recovery before it even starts just because you're frustrated. Doe will appreciate and admire your determination. Peace - John
 
Happenstance,

It is important that Doe understands the effort behaviorally and mentally that you have spent trying to seek a therapy for yourself. To know your struggle in the process will hopefully encourage him to sustain his struggle when things are not easy. Plus it doesn't mean you've given up ... another solution may present itself.

Definitely read books and share notes together and of course visit this discussion board.

Doing what is reasonable possible within given constraints sets the example ...

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Happenstance:
You said= "I do not want to see a therapist by myself as the whole point was to help him. Would it be enough if he saw me going to a therapist? I doubt it; teenagers start loosing faith in their parent's ability to tell the truth once puberty hits."

Helping yourself sends a message to him that therapy is ok. It also allows each of you to deal with the personal issues that the abuse affected in you (for example, if you had any sexual or intimacy issues with his mother, it would be hardly appropriate to discuss in front of him. Likewise, if he is dealing with intrusive masturbatory fantasies or problems with peers, he would be reluctant to discuss them in front of you.)

My suggestion is that each of you do your own individual therapy and if sometime in the future it would make sense to do sessions together, you can. Don't dismiss the individual therapy at this point. If he sees you quit, what's in it for him?

I'm not sure what you mean by "the truth". The truth is that both of you have likely been affected by the abuse and working on it is the best way to deal with it.
Ken
 
Happenstance,

I admire you for the work you are trying to do for yourself and for Doe. It sure seems like they have the cards stacked against you doesn't it. I'm so sorry things don't seem to be working out.

I understand what you mean about teenagers not trusting. I remember those days myself. I think the hardest thing for a teen who has been abused is to trust. I also understand Doe's objection to group therapy even though it may be a beneficial thing for him. I mean how scarey can it get? I would NOT have been open to such a suggestion at his age.

I don't claim to be an expert on the subject of counseling, individual or otherwise, but I've been asking myself all afternoon what I would do if I were in your situation. I keep coming back to the fact that I would book separate apointments at least for the time being, and keep working on the idea of joint counseling if that is what you both would like to do.

I'll keep sending good thoughts your way as you work to be a good father to the boy. I truly wish you the best. I can only imagine the anguish you feel over the whole mess.

Courage my friend,

John
 
Ken's advice sounds "right on" to me. I think individual therapy regimens, for now, can only be helpful to you both. Give it try! What have you got to loose?
 
Only speaking of my personal experience, I wish my mother was able to get the help that she needs. She is of no help to me even to this day. And I don't mean help me with my issues but help me as her son. I find it difficult to be around my mom as I never feel the past let go when i am around her.
 
Quick update on Doe; this morning we had a meeting with the juvenile probation officer. Doe's father was there, as were his father's parents. Everyone was well behaved(even myself, which was quite a struggle, as I have wanted nothing more than to throttle the big dummy ever since he told Doe to "just get over it"). The probation officer suggested no other counseling besides what he is already getting, and, although it bothered me, I said nothing.

What bothers me is that we had to fill out a questionnaire, and one of the questions was "have you ever been sexually abused?". This would indicate to me that this is something they come across in their jobs: troubled kids with a history of having been abused. But why is no other attention paid to it than "good, you are already in counseling". I could easily have throttled her at the same time as I throttled the big dummy(I do have two hands! Why didn't I do it? Dang, another lost opportunity!)

The system that protects our children is flawed, and the system used to "fix" them once our protection fails also is flawed. I struggle daily with the "failed parent syndrom", while still struggling with my own demon. I am calling the local "nut house"(I apologize if I offend anyone with the terminology "nut house", but, being a nut myself, I could not come up with a better term) to see about any group sessions they may have.

And I apologize if I seem especially bitter today; I took someone's advise and tried to come clean with my boss about why I needed a few hours off and the possibility of needing to leave early once every week or so(depending on when group is). I explained to him(with none of the steamy details) why Doe and I needed to go together. He was okay that day. This morning the ogre yelled at me and threatened my with my job if I went.

So, now, I sit at my desk at work, wishing I had a third arm to do some mass throttling; I am sick and tired of...shit, I don't know anymore. Stress? That seems too...trivial. Tired of the beat downs? Doe's father contends that I have screwed up Doe's life by allowing him to read Stephen King and watch horror movies. My boss...well, whatever. And as much as other people(you all included!) have told me, I still believe that I am responsible. Failed parent, you see.

Will keep you guys updated on the group thing. Thanks again.
 
Personally I would not listen to the probation officer. If you have a good relationship with your stepson and both of you are willing to take that extra step twards recovery then go for it. And I can see why you would rather go to your own therapist for this joint counseling but, if need be, go out there and find someone who is willing to take that step with both of you.

-Adam
 
Oh, Geeez.

I don't know what to say happenstance. I am so frustrated for you. It is good that you feel you can get on here and rant a little. Better than taking it out on Doe or your wife. Certainly better than getting jailed because you throttled someone for being an ass.

I care, my friend, I really do. Keep us posted. There's got to be a good break coming your way at some point.

We're here pulling for you.

Courage my Friend,

John
 
Happenstance,

I have been off the site for a few days and am just catching up on your latest developments.

On therapy, I think it would be best if you two went to separate therapists and at separate times. Otherwise the therapist would be caught in the middle on many issues. Your stepson is a teenager growing up after all, and he needs to have complete confidence in the therapist he is revealing his darkest secrets to. He absolutely won't trust his therapist if you are seeing the same one. This is a boundaries issue for him: he is an abused kid and his ability to trust is pretty battered right now.

Thinking further, I think that quite apart from the fact that it is a good idea for you to deal with your own needs as well, your stepson won't get much out of therapy if he sees you are not trusting it. Kids are like that - very "show me" oriented.

I makes me so mad that your boss is being such an asshole. I'm not sure what the answer is, but clearly it is something that requires further thought. He has been set off by something. Bad day? Misunderstood you? If I were you I think I would just stand back a few days and try to keep calm and figure out what the real problem is.

But bottom line: Your stepson so desperately needs a male role model he can look up to and trust, and in you I think he has that. It just takes time bro. I know that's easier to say than to deal with, but it just takes time. And lots of love.

Much love,
Larry
 
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