Problems in the bedroom...

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Problems in the bedroom...
A

al

Registrant
I know there's allot of posts about intimacy problems but here's another one anyway.

Been having some problems in the bedroom and i just don't know what to do about it. Closeness and snuggling are fine but as soon as it becomes sexual i'm transformed back in time and it's not the face of my loving partner anymore and passion turns into terror. It seems no matter what i try i always end up with the same result and it seems to be getting worse, not better. And we're getting beyond frustration since it's been before i went into the hospital in September :( . Anybody have any tricks to get the flashback out of the intimate moment? Please post if you think of ANYthing that might help :confused:

Thanks.
Al
 
I'm interested in this, too.

I absolutely cannot be intimate with anyone and that has been a long term problem for me.

I am in therapy right now to specifically to address that problem. I follow where my therapist leads. It is (seems like) a too-long process. It seems like she is having me work on healing the feelings around trust.

I guess that's what's its about. People who have been abused, especially as kids, often have a hard time trusting people, especially in bed.

Brett
 
I still struggle with some of these issues and sometimes they hit me harder than other times. Sometimes for me snuggling/cuddling is very difficult and can be more difficult than anything sexual.

There are certain "position" or ways that trigger me quicker than I could say trigger. I' have shared that with my partner and so we try to avoid those situations as best as we can. If my hand is locked down and it is dark, I don't even get a chance to be triggered as that is way too intense for me. Sometimes a very dark room is way too scary and I can't even think about anything. A small amount of light or some candles helps me a lot.

I've learned to as much as I can that sometimes I just can't do things. This has got less frequent these days, but it still happens. We have a very close and open relationship where we can share with each other. I've learned that if something is triggering me, I try to at least let my partner know so that my partner doesn't wonder if it is something with them.

We do have a rule as well that if at any time either of us need to stop, all we have to do is say no, and we stop. No questions asked, no second guessing, no nothing. We've had that rule from day one and it has helped greatly.

I know someone talked about a book one time with me that I never read of course and I think it was "ghosts in the bedroom". I don't know if it is appropiate for your situation or not, but you may want to check it out.

From my viewpoint, things have gotten much better. For at one time, I couldn't even be hugged at times without almost getting physically sick to my stomach. Those days are a more distant past. I do still struggle at times but not as bad as I did a few years ago.

Don
 
I wish I had an answer, Al. Unfortunately, this is my own personal burden to bear too. I think that is what angers me the most sometimes about my abuse... that I never had the opportunity to have a "normal" sexual experience.

I struggle a lot with the flashbacks during sex. That is what drove me to my suicide attempt and stay in the psych ward last month. So, as you can see, it's sort of the blind leading the blind here!

For me, it is my utter desire to not be in my body while I am experiencing sex. I've tried. I panic and usually get really angry at my girlfriend (something I am not proud of) because I don't know how to process it any other way. Last month, when the flashbacks got to be way too vivid, I tried to process it by slitting my wrists. I just didn't know what else to do with the feelings that came up.

I've had to rely on violent fantasy in order to escape from being in my body. It was actually what brought me to the MS boards in the first place... I don't want to have to do that anymore. I have a great girlfriend but I am ashamed everytime I am with her sexually and I'm thinking about male sexual violence. I hate it. I hate how I feel. But I think maybe creating these violent scenarios in my head are a way to escape the flashbacks of what really happened.

Sorry I couldn't be more help, but I know where you're coming from. PM if you ever need to.

-Sean
 
We do have a rule as well that if at any time either of us need to stop, all we have to do is say no, and we stop. No questions asked, no second guessing, no nothing. We've had that rule from day one and it has helped greatly.
Click to expand...
Doug and I have had that rule most of our relationship and it both works and doesn't work. It works in that it prevents us from having sex, but sometimes that is what I think I need in order to feel like someone really wants to be with me, so that's how it also doesn't work.

I'm towards the end where it's harder for me to cuddle and have intimate moments than to have sex. My T suggested that Doug and I have loving touch that does not include the G'l area for about five minutes to find out which touch feels good for us.

In the like sense, I suppose I would just suggest finding small things that feel good and work from there, and be able to say "no" at any point and have that be okay.

I wish there was an easier answer, I'm still looking myself.

Best,
Scotty
 
Hi Al,
Someone once told me to try to have my wife talk to me while it's going on. It worked for us, it kept me grounded and in the present so that we could have intercourse. Hope it helps.
James
 
My little Brother.

First off I cant send an email because my friggen computer is broke at home.

Now intimacy. We all have a tendancy to do it with the lights out or in low light and with our eyes closed. That is when our subconscious sinks in I think.

I dont know if you knew Mark at all but I suggested to him that when he and his girlfriend made love first they should shower together and then retire to wherever and keep the lights on and the eyes open and to keep talking. I know that this sound less than romantic but Mark, before he died of a heart attack (congenital) was so excited that it worked for him and Eve.

Al give it a try and put some of your favourite music on. Personall I feel that if candles are lit and light is low it makes me feel that this is not really romantic but contrived.

Let me know ok.

Sex can be fun. I really mean fun. Especially when you are in a loving relationship as I know your are. A lot of times we are too serious. It is ok to laugh and giggle and talk. I think for me it makes it a lot more intimate. Additionally when I close my eyes I did it in shame. And there definitely is no shame to making love.
 
the lights on thing really helps, try it. when the images in your face are dramtic and inspiring, it helps keep you in the moment instead of drifting off somewhere in your mind.
 
I can't do it in the dark - no way, and like Mike I have to keep my eyes wide open. That way I see less of the flashbacks.

I also prefer the morning at the weekends for some reason, probably me being lazy and enjoying a lie in afterwards ;)

Dave
 
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=2&t=000427
 
I have been avoiding intamacy with My wife, I am not sure what I am afraid of. I am hoping to improve the situation though. I hope I can succeed.

MJ
 
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=2&t=000427
 
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=2&t=000427
 
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