Priest Abuse / Recovered Memory Question

[OxfordArms]

Hi. I'm new to the forum and don't know where to put this question.

Through the process of intensive therapy, I was able to recover memories of being abused by a priest when I was in grade school. I have clearer memories of being abused by an uncle as well. My therapist felt I should make a report to the Diocese regarding the priest, but I'm struggling with a lot of self doubt (did it happen? Am I positive? etc.) My questions are: 1. are there other survivors here who are struggling with recovered memories and doubting the truth of their experience. And 2. in order to possibly confirm that I'm not crazy, I'd like to know if anyone else might have been abused by the same priest. I'm desperate to know if it's real or if I'm crazy, and I believe if someone else has had the same experience, it will validate my own situation.

Again, I'm new and I apologize if this is the wrong venue for these questions. I have not made the report because I don't know that I trust myself. I've been in recovery for 10 years trying to overcome compulsive sexual behaviors and pornography addiction among other things. I don't doubt that I was abused, but my memories seem so unreliable....

Any help or guidance would be appreciated.

Thanks,

OxfordArms

For what it's worth, I went to school in Kentucky, in the Diocese of Covington.

 

[justplainme]

You know just to re affirm your memories. I would like to add that i was victimized at age 3 and had no recollection of it until i was 19. So if you sense it, most likely it did happen.

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

Hi OxfordArms and welcome to MS.

I was abused at age 3 by a neighbor and it was hidden from me until I was 28. The memories came back in sketchy form following some lifetime integration therapy sessions. The first time they came to me, I think I coiled up in a ball for a whole evening and was rocking myself on my bed saying "did this really happen? did this really happen?" Lots of self doubt. But over time it crystallized and it's like, yeah, this did happen. It took even longer to call it what it was (rape) but that also fit.

Lots of abusers (and their allies) will exploit the shakiness of childhood memories to make you doubt yourself, and it's very easy to buy into.

It's very unlikely you'll find another person on this site who was abused by the same person so I wouldn't use that as a gauge of your own sanity. It would be finding a needle in a haystack. What's important is what happened to you, how it impacted your life, and how you move forward.

 

[GeorgeMartin]

Human Beings traumatized, can and do have the ability to repress memories, and thereby have recovered memories.

I was abused up to the age of 11 yrs. and I do not know when the sexual abuse stopped. But today years and years later (now in my 40's) I do still have memories that I never had before, come into my awareness, as I was able to able to dissociate as a child quite easily. In retrospect, I completely did not remember ANY sexual abuse by "that family" UNTIL I became psycho-socially stressed (military stressor's and deaths of family members = destabilization mentally, but there were other triggers too) and even a number of years later, I did not understand where the memories were coming from. Re-remembering was quite traumatic to my stability mentally etc as well, because the recovered memories are very much like "someone else's" (and not my own memories).

I still have a difficult time, as to when events happened, and its like turning on and off a video camera in the mind, as I encounter these 'foreign' now-recovered memories.

At first I thought I was CRAZY and I doubted the memories. Later, I gave up on doubting the memories, because they were so crystal clear most of the time, and the visual environment of the memories were intact.

Let me say that I have never had a memory of the actual physical assaults which caused me to dissociate or blackout, in the first place. And most of what I remember are -out-of-body- type of perspective to the memories.

I was religiously abused as well in my childhood. Not the Catholic Church but Protestant Fundamentalist Church.

Write your childhood history down chronologically, etc using what documents you can get, then begin to map out when the memories (events of abuse) seem to have happened, memories of abuse are supported by other memories around the abuse(s). Patterns begin to develop if the abuse isn't a one-time-assault or isolated.

Hope this helps.

 

[tbkkfile]

OxfordArms

I'm 56 and even now my memory will let something out that before was hidden.

I had a really bad episode earlier this week, triggered by being put in a situation that I couldn't get out of or control and I remembered vividly the actual process of blacking out when I was 11, I'd always wondered why there were some holes in my memory, it was a jigsaw that fitted together at last.

 

[cosmos]

OxfordArms welcome; in 2012 I remembered the salient points of my abuse that started @? and ended at the age of 4, all I can say is that it all made sense, I made sense, I could never remember anything to just prior to turning 5 now I know why. This kind of stuff the human mind is not meant to handle at any age read the adult section; however when the abuse is targeted at an immature mind well I dont need to tell you, you kindly forgot. The fact that I remembered and resulting fall-out has made me steadfast in my resolve to see this through to the end, see for me I forgot everything, not just the abuse, I turned my back on society and myself, I have forgotten the good, my real father not what he became, so not all the memories for me are bad, but it does remind you that the human mind is a mystery.

Chris

btw I just turned 47 and never could have imagined what I forgot; feel free to pm me

 

[Sailor John]

Hi OxfordArms,

I too was abused in 1968. I hid it for over 40 yrs. with the exception of about 2 or 3 months and then hid it again. My doctor said that your brain has the ability to compartmentise the good and the bad,then puts the event in the right slot and sometime later the slot will be opened and the flashbacks and/or even the event will come back. No, you ARE NOT crazy, This is part of the healing process and will take time and lots of energy.

Good luck with everything.

 

[traveler]

My therapist felt I should make a report to the Diocese regarding the priest, but I'm struggling with a lot of self doubt (did it happen? Am I positive? etc.) My questions are: 1. are there other survivors here who are struggling with recovered memories and doubting the truth of their experience.

hey, Oxford,

i too had lost or forgotten or repressed (my favored term) memories of abuse for many years. i knew i did not have a happy childhood and that some stuff had happened that i did not want to think about. i had minimized the significance of what generalities i did remember to make it more tolerable.

When it all started pushing up to the surface of my awareness, i also doubted the truth at first and also questioned my own sanity - even accused myself of having a filthy and perverted imagination to make such stuff up.

through the process of therapy, reading about CSA, writing out my memories, and participating here on the forums, it all became clearer - i regained the assurance that i was not crazy, i now knew the truth, i could now reject the lies that had allowed me to survive, and that it was the perps who were the filthy ones - not me.

And 2. in order to possibly confirm that I'm not crazy, I'd like to know if anyone else might have been abused by the same priest. I'm desperate to know if it's real or if I'm crazy, and I believe if someone else has had the same experience, it will validate my own situation.

i would encourage you to make your own discreet investigation through whatever means you have open to you. i am sure that there must be some here who can advise you how to go about that - through law enforcement, the Church, and the internet/social media. it may help you to feel more settled in your own mind. but - at the same time - i hope that you are not totally dependent upon others to validate what it seems you know at a very deep level. it may be circumstantial confirmation - but it would not be proof of your own history.

i would caution you about making a report at this time, while you are still feeling insecure and uncertain. the questions, challenges, cross-examination, and doubts that you are likely to encounter may be more than you can handle until you are more certain. that process can be daunting even to those who are absolutely sure and have never had any memory suppression. the only exception to that i would think might be if the statute of limitations is about to expire. then you may need to file a report and then try to protect yourself until you can feel stronger.

best of luck in your exploration and your healing journey!
Lee

 

[motmcd]

Howdy, OxfordArms. Welcome to MS.

I'm sorry for you troubles and fully understand, as do many of us here, the doubt and trepidation you are dealing with at the moment. I always say there are 12 different ways to do anything, so each of us here have processed our CSA in our own way just as you are working through your experience in your own way. Cheers to you for that.

I am also a victim of clergy sexual abuse. Here's a place for you to search your abuser's name (if you know it) and find out if he is already identified as a perpetrator of sexual abuse on children. Knowing this may be useful should you move forward with registering a claim with the diocese. Be aware that the list is not complete. My abuser's name has yet to appear in the database.

https://bishop-accountability.org/priestdb/PriestDBbydiocese.html

Cheers,
Tom

 

[KMCINVA]

Through the process of intensive therapy, I was able to recover memories of being abused by a priest when I was in grade school. I have clearer memories of being abused by an uncle as well. My therapist felt I should make a report to the Diocese regarding the priest, but I'm struggling with a lot of self doubt (did it happen? Am I positive? etc.) My questions are: 1. are there other survivors here who are struggling with recovered memories and doubting the truth of their experience. And 2. in order to possibly confirm that I'm not crazy, I'd like to know if anyone else might have been abused by the same priest. I'm desperate to know if it's real or if I'm crazy, and I believe if someone else has had the same experience, it will validate my own situation.

I had memories but denied them for a lifetime. I met with the Diocese and my experience was positive. I received validation, certain statements were mentioned by them that validated for me the abuser, but his name was not spoken. I was encouraged to file a formal grievance and contact the State Police anonymous hotline. I did the latter. So I felt relieved with learning what I learned. I have not done the formal grievance process, that is on the table.

Through on-line and meeting lawyers I found others that were abused by the same priest. The lawyers hear from more survivors than I realized. The lawyers said only a small percentage move to the formal process or take legal action, if the statute of limitations have not expired. However, for me and the other survivors the lawyers have identified have no legal or civil recourse, only the Church's process. The lawyers believe it is important to have multiple victims file the grievance, it gives confirmation to each of our stories. The formal process can be extremely draining, emotionally and physically per the lawyers. Many victims are not able to withstand the formal process and the lawyers vet the victims. They have told us there are similarities in our stories and specific words and acts. The lawyers do not want to put any survivor into a position of being a victim and pushing them back to addictions, compulsions or anything far worse.

For me the meeting with the Diocese was sufficient. If I had not received what I believe was validation, I do not know how I would have reacted. So approach either venue with caution. The Diocese may not give you the answers you are looking for.

Google your parish, diocese for sexual abuse, the perps name and see if anyone has made comments about abuse. Remember they moved the priest around and someone from another parish may have been abused. I found one survivor, or should I say they found me, from a site I had posted my story. I had forgotten I had posted it, but it was a contact I never expected to be made. Have you checked the Bishop's Accountability Report to see if your perp is on the list. I found SNAP (Survivor Network of Those Abused by Priest) to be a valuable resource. They have a posting forum.

You need to trust yourself. I had memories but as I began to heal, the memories were pieced together. For years they were snapshots, but now they are almost like a movie. I guess I am waiting for the movie's last frame "The End". Only recently did I remember the water that was hitting my face was not holy water but the spit of the priest, telling me I was basically damned to Satan. I had felt the water hitting my face for so long and I could see it in my flashbacks and nightmares. It was a triggering event that brought the memories forward last week. I also knew being spat on, which I was in recent years, was triggering and caused flashbacks, nightmares and dissociation but could not understand or more correctly did not want to accept,why it was so triggering. Others had told me I must have been spat on during the abuse to cause such a response. I knew it had to be and because of an unexpected event by unknown people last weekend I now understand. Why did it take that event to validate the trigger, I do not know. So trust yourself.

It is a journey, over time the memories becomes clearer. We bury the memories and that part of us. You need to accept what happened to you. Your compulsions are from the abuse. Once you begin to accept the abuse, accept all of you (and this was hard for me to accept the child within who was wreaking havoc in my life. I did not want to accept a part of me felt special to the abuser. I had left this part of me out of my life and all this part knew was the abuser and the abuse. This part of me just wanted to be loved. Once I broke the wall down, life began to change), accept you were not responsible for what happened you will find peace and control over your life. It is a difficult process and we all heal differently and at different paces.

The memories are there, they are just waiting to be released.

Best wishes

 

[OxfordArms]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and for the encouragement. I would be willing to continue my own personal recovery on my own terms, except that the priest who abused me 30 years ago is still active in a parish with a school. If he was retired, or dead, I would likely try to move on in my own way, but the fact that I might be allowing him to abuse others by my silence is disturbing me.

I've talked to members of SNAP, but did not receive much useful help. I check the bishop-accountability.org site regularly but he's not on their list. I've googled every combination of words but can find no record of any other reports against this priest. I'm nervous about calling the diocese because I don't want to be interviewed by the police, or a bunch of attorneys. I just want them to say, "yes, this priest has been accused by others too. We know about his past." But I'm afraid they won't say that. Because if he's been reported before, why would he still be active in a church with an elementary school? The fact that he is active leads me to believe there have been no other reports against him. And that leads me to believe that my memories are somehow mistaken.

I don't know what to do.

---

As a bit of background. I've been "acting out" in one form or another since I was 11 years old. I was exposed to porn at a very early age and it was all downhill from there. I first started attending a 12-step program in 2004 and began seeing a therapist before that. Nothing really helped. Eventually I ended up seeing a Christian counselor and I found my faith again. It was during this process with the Christian counselor that all the pieces finally started to come together. I had old (harmless) memories of being with my uncle and being with the priest, but no memories of any abuse. Eventually, the hidden chunks of time - the abuse - was uncovered and my years of isolation, anger, self-hatred, acting out, depression etc. all finally started to make sense.

It's only been the past 2-3 years that I've made any progress. And again, I'd be happy to keep working my program with the few people I trust and keep my mouth shut if it wasn't for the fact that he's still out there.

Thanks.

Oxford

 

[KMCINVA]

Oxford

There may have been reports against him, but years ago the Diocese would just transfer the priest. The Bishop from my Diocese admitted destroying records and shuffling priest around to give them a fresh start. I bet most of these priest are not on the Bishop's Accountability List.

My perp is not on the list and I now know of others who were abused by this priest. So do not presume there were not other victims.

You are facing the past and I hope you find some peace. Keep healing and in time I hope it all begins to make sense and you accept the abuse as real.